design007 Jun 2, 2009
:)The young man struck a lone figure as he made his way up the cliffside path, leaving the clutch of oil lamps of the streets behind him as he ascended the craggy rock path, I'd put a period here, break it up a bit.long strides Long strides made short work making short word of the steep incline, left like this, it implies the strides turned the corner...maybe start with "he turned the corner, ...turning a corner so the harbour beneath was out of sight.

Night was falling,Night was falling (period) The narrow path was cast into shadow by the boiling orb of sun that sank beneath the western.... the narrow path being cast into long shadows by the boiling orb of the sun as it sank beneath the western horizon, unbearable incandescent white turning to an expanding ball of orange. Darkness had already fallen in the harbour, shielded now from the sun by the cliffs. Their long shadows stretched out to sea...which was shielded from the sun by the cliffs, their long shadows stretching out to sea like a colossal hand extending its reach over a table of cards.

Hummd Greig made the last few steps to the top of the cliff and looked around, brushing a long sable colored strand of hair from his eyes---just an example here, otherwise it gets a little wordyone of his long brown-black strands of hair from his eyes. He was tall, with an elegant, easy demeanour and a confidence evidenced by the set of his shoulders, owed to the the braggodocio of youthin the set of his shoulders that bordered on youthful arrogance. One hand rested easily on the handle of a knife, ready to bring it to his defence whilst seeming completely at ease in his surroundings, not betraying any nervousness he may have possessed.This sentence seems cumbersome...perhaps this might work: His hand rested lightly on the knife handle; whatever nervousness he may have possessed was not betrayed by his stance. With a smile, he continued to walkwalked towards a second, smaller, figure.

She was stood near the edge of the cliff, her back to Hummd as she gazed over the ocean,period the angry reflection of the sun appearingappeared to cast... to cast a thousand flames in the peaks and troughs of the waves. Her arms were folded and she seemed to ignore her hair as it ....She had folded her arms, and seemed to be ignoring her auburn hair as it whipped around in the breeze atop the cliffperiod. She stood sentinel-like..., standing sentinel-like until Hummd walked up to herapproached, arms wide to receive a hug in greeting. Only then did she turn, her young face thunderous as she raised a single open hand and slapped Hummd hard acrossaround the face.

"Damn it, Rachel, I was only trying to be friendly."

Rachel away is sufficient hereturned back away, her face streaked by tears. "Be friendly to someone who wants it, Hummd."

"What have I done?"

"What have you done?" Rachel echoed, incredulity in every syllable. She turned again, recrossing her arms as Hummd took a wary step out of her reach. "Hummd, what haven't you done?"

Thank you for your story. Needs a little work here and there, but overall it's very enjoyable. I want to know more about your characters. Using too many helping verbs weakens your work, in my opinion. If you work on your descriptions of Hummd and Rachel, I think your story will be stronger for it. Good job!:)