Preface of my story.

By *Katie · Aug 8, 2012 · ·
  1. About; (short and to the point) Girl is a pianist. Goes blind at 6. *11 years later* Is now 17. She always been able to see in her dreams. Get experimental surgery to make her able to see in real life. It works. Now she can't see in her dreams. And even though she can see in real life it's not what she expected. It's not as beautiful as it was in her dreams. Her mom looks older. Herself looks different. She expected everything to look like a combination of what she remembers seeing when she was six, and what her dreams showed her. (I'm still trying to think of a good ending) By the way, the point of veiw is by the girl, and, her name is Ameira. I dont have the last name yet.
    Okay, here I go. This is the preface of my story:

    The sweet flowery scent was lightly perfumed throughout the entire field. Purple lilacs, white daisies, pink roses, and green grass danced in the breeze. The few clouds scattered in the soft sky were a pure white and fluffed just right.

    I was afraid to take even one step within the glorious meadow, fearing that I’d crush its beauty. But I just couldn’t resist, so I slowly lifted one foot, and as gently as possible, let it fall upon the flowers. To my surprise, I didn’t disturb a single blade of grass. So, I took another light step, and another, and another. It was as if i was floating. Not floating above, but floating through.

    As I wandered about the meadow I began to hope that this would never end. That I could spend the rest of eternity swallowed by such splendid colors and shapes. So I stopped, and just sat there. Soaking in the beauty while it lasted. I never once blinked because I didn’t want to return to the deep, black, darkness. Not even for a second.

    But it slowly crept upon me, forcing me back to life. Forcing me back to a world of black.
    * * *​

    Then I was completely awake

Comments

  1. Mckk
    If this is the epilogue, then it means it's the part after the real end to the story. So why is her world black, considering she's meant to be able to see now? This is confusing, even if you meant the black as a metaphor to the fact that seeing is not as beautiful as her dreams, because it makes me wonder if she's gone blind again.

    So she goes blind again, and is sad about it? Or she begins to be able to see in her dreams again but doesn't lose her sight, which allows her to compare more starkly and is sad about it? Or what? You have an interesting premise :) and I loved the way you described the meadow. Very vivid and dream-like.
  2. *Katie
    Oops, meant preface I'll fix it.
  3. auntiebetty
    Hi Katie:
    I think you have too many adjectives "...sweet flowery scent as lightly perfumed..." and maybe too many words.
    As for this being a PREFACE, I'm not sure. The first part is very direct and journalistic. "Girl is a pianist. Goes blind at ....". Then, you switch to this rather poetic style. I would like to see some comments from others as to whether the PREFACE should be in the same style as the story.
    You are on to a unique character and I hope you will work on until it is the beautiful story you envision.
    Ray Charles, the famous singer, was blinded in early youth. You might look at his real person'experience.
    Your talent is blooming...keep writing.
    Auntiebetty
  4. *Katie
    Where I wrote " Girl is a pianist. Goes blind at.." I was just telling the reader what the story is about. just so when you read it you werent confused about what was going on. That not actually part of the story..
To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice