"..I walked through the air port alone.."

Published by dushechka in the blog dushechka's blog. Views: 82

Life has an interesting way of throwing things at you, spontaneously or not.

I'm in a weird spot right now. Week days I'm exhausted, wanting to sleep the day away, ignoring everyone around me. And on Week ends, I'm at home, having nothing to do. I don't want to be at work, yet I'm restless where I am.

Hobbies can be fun, but it's the job of finding one. I used to think my hobbies were reading, piano and the internet. But now? Well, I do those things nearly every day, so I'm rather sick of them, honestly. There needs to be something better, "funner", more rewarding. But I don't know what.

Knowledge depresses me. I want to know so many things, yet the thought that when I die, (whether it be 30 or 50 years from now) there will always be someone else who knew and learned more than I ever will. It makes me feel helpless, and the whole point of learning an entire waste of time. I'll never learn enough, I'll never reach that goal of complete knowledge. It's stupid of me to say, stupid of me to wonder about, yet I can't help it.

There's a need, whether it be a selfish one or not (I doubt that it is) to learn. Anything, everything, whatever. Learn it; Love it; Live it.

My three L's of life.

Funny how there's no emotional love in that sentence.

I have issues with loving people. That sounds weird and emo of me, but it's the same thing with respect. You have to prove you're worthy of my respect/love before I'll accept you for what it is you're wanting.

If there's one thing I can't handle, it's men who profess their love when they do not know, nor understand you for who you are. Maybe that's why I refuse to acknowledge love. It's never (in my case) for the long term.

I feel so... distant from anything relating to love. Not even in the romantic sense. In any sense whatsoever. Love from family and friends. My thought process is a complete mess. Love should be a warm feeling, but to me it's pointless and a waste of emotion.

But maybe that's my problem; I'm more logical than emotional, and so it produces this end result.

My writing seems pointless, and my vocabulary is lacking.

So many things I must do, yet I haven't found the time. Or maybe I've only done the things I want to do, so there will never be time for the things that must and should be done.

Can you tell I've had an annoying day? It's been frustrating and I'd love to curl up and hide under a rock.

I don't want to work, and I'm tired of being old. I want to be four. I want the innocence and happiness of being a little girl.

But that isn't life, and I'm sure it would get boring fairly quickly. Nonetheless, compared to today, I wouldn't mind the monotony of it.

Hypocrisy reeks in this place, and I hope they know they're digging their own grave.

They expected me to go full time this year (this month, actually), but I declined. Why? Well, my life does not belong to this company. The company that fires for no good reason, the company that gives contracts instead of solid full time. The company that demands you to do what they say, when they say it. I realize this is probably true with most corporations, which is why I refuse, (until I'm on my last mortgage or whatever the case may be), to spend my life sitting at a desk refreshing my inbox hoping one day life will shine a blessing on me and give me that fifty cent raise. I wasn't born to be a slave to the corporations. I wasn't born to make money. I was born to live. I was born to BE.

They look at me as if I have two heads. But that's alright. If they want their money and their expensive cars, let them have it. I'll have TIME. I'll have my own company, and that's all I really want.

I'm saving up for my Grand Piano. The piano, if allowed, I would play at 3 am. It's so freeing. I hate playing when people are in the house, but considering someone is always home (at least 3/4ths of the time) I have no choice in the matter. Regardless of that, when I am alone, tis a wonderful time.

I haven't really said anything philosophical today, or yesterday, -and I probably won't tomorrow- but I needed to write something. Something that didn't involve me writing to my supervisor and giving my two weeks notice. I haven't fallen that far yet...

Anyway, today I'll be getting my bus pass finally, and tonight we're going to Value Village to find some costumes for Halloween. I've never been out trick or treating. Funny? Maybe.
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