It's a great thing to have children, right?
Then why do so many parents bitch about it?
Why do they blame their children for their own mistakes in life?
So many adults I know seem bitter and frustrated with the little people they have created.
Is it because they no longer can live their own life but instead have responsibility?
The child becomes a reflection of the parent.
People seem to be entitled to the right to make children but then they don't respect the child they create.
Children become lesser than adults.
Sit still be quiet.
Don't ask questions.
Do as I say but not as I do.
Children become play things for adults.
They become adults dream-fulfillers
In the end they create what? Another confused and disgruntled human being who doesn't respect the people around them because their parents didn't respect them?
I grew up with a mother who suffers from bi-polar swings and has slight schizophrenia.
As a chld though, her word was truth.
Her world was real. Her world became my reality.
The older I got the more I started to notice the holes in her plot.
I thought she was just being a bitch or spiteful.
I tried and tried to reason with her. I became frustrated and angry with her.
It took me until recently to accept that she was mentally ill.
I didn't want to say it, it seemed like a cop-out.
I wanted her to understand what she had done to me as a child and continues to do now.
That won't ever happen. She lives in a world where there is a logical explanation for every illogical thought that I point out in her mind. She refuses to seek medical attention because she sees herself as a child of God. Being as such, she cannot possibly have anything wrong with her. She is perfect in every way. If there is an issue it isn't her, it's demons. Demons of course can be prayed away.
She cannot trust anyone or anything mostly because she believes that Satan can work through anyone or thing even her 8 year-old child.
FBI is tapping her phones and following her, She duck tapes the vents
Thinks there's an implant in the back of her neck.
ALIENS - I believe in them too but I don't fear them...yet.
SATAN- a.k.a White Devil
Fear and paranoia rule her world.
For 15 years they ruled mine.
I've spent the last ten years of my life repairing my own mental damage. I had to unlearn everything she taught me. I had to learn to get rid of her voice in my head that tore me down for simply being alive.
But can I truly blame it on sickness?
I suppose the first step was admitting that something was wrong.
Admitting and not being ashamed.
Shame of mental issues is so high in America and even more so in Japan (where I live now).
People don't talk about negativity. People keep a lot of themselves locked away.
I think the problem with not talking about experiences is that other people won't learn and have a chance to heal and change their situation too.
People aren't alone. There's always someone out there who has gone through shit or will go through shit the same or worse than you.
We all get changed by it in different ways but there is no shame in it.
Because we can all change ourselves if we try.
People might think what they want about you but we can't let people define our lives like that.
If we do, then we give up our freedom of self.
So that is what I have forced myself to stop being afraid of, myself and what others think.
I've been reading books and listening to other peoples stories.
I've been looking inside myself to see the issues at hand and finding ways to better myself.
If there's anything I have learned from watching my mothers self-destruction
is that living a lie in order to please the world around you will only make you ill inside.
Just be honest and move on.
I suppose that is why I am starting to change what I write about in general.
As an adolescent I wrote a lot of fantasy but lately I find that I cannot return to those worlds.
I'm haunted by the ghosts around me.
The people I see on the trains with looks of despair and anguish.
What are we trying to escape from?
Why can't we try to better this world we're in now rather than escape into an ideal world?
I'm learning to find my voice again and I find that doing so isn't easy.
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