relationships

I just.... I don't understand how people can do certain things in relationships. I don't understand how people can do friends with benefits. I don't understand how people would rather have sex and then get to know someone instead of getting to know someone and then having sex with them. I don't... I just don't get it. And I'm so fucking tired of feeling this way about it. I'm so tired of wondering why some dude I liked who I had chemistry with and got to know and developed feelings for could possibly prefer having sex with someone he didn't know and then getting to know her over having sex with me. I'm guessing - with good measure - that the casual thing is a huge part of it, bc I feel like he thought we would be more serious if we had sex. And he told me that it wasn't me, that I couldn't compare myself to her, that he was "never thinking, oh she's better than Alex," and I don't believe he thought that way at the time. I don't. He's not that type of guy and it all happened so quickly, but what kind of kills me is that, months on, he thinks that now. Like... I just want him to miss me at least somewhat. He's not dating this girl, but I want him to miss me. I want him to think about me and I want him to reconcile with me and I just... I don't want to be a blip to someone who was huge to me, you know?

I can't think about it anymore and after these three weeks are up, it'll be easier. It'll be the summer and I'll be in my apartment and working two jobs and it'll be easier but these three weeks are dragging and I'm so fucking tired and I just... I can't do this and I want to stop wanting to not exist from the stress and the sheer awfulness of fucking human connection I just... I can't do this. I'm going to, obviously, but holy shit.

I dunno. I just. It's a fact of life that life pulls you away from shit that was once important to you and that you can feel meh about someone you used to feel strongly about, but I can't deal with that and the idea that I am that for him now is just... it fucking hurts that he could call me "one of the coolest girls I've ever met" a few months ago and now not even care about me, why is that? How?

Just get through it. Just get through it. Just get through it.