Something I'm Working On (NEED ADVICE & CRITICISMS)

By Henri Le Rennet · May 16, 2012 · ·
  1. He ambled and limped through the narrow passage leading to the long stretch of white beach and disturbed sea. It was dusk and the light quickly faded, and the sand felt cool and soft beneath his feet. The tall grass waved in the hills of sand as he limped past. His right foot slid down the sides of the small white bumps as he tried to balance without aggravating the injury in his left foot. He was Henri Le Rennet, a French expatriate of 6 feet with a handsome, defined jawline, hawk-like eyes, and a hard, stern face that winced at every step. He walked with a rough hand in his pocket and broad shoulders slightly shrugged. The wind picked up slightly as his distraught body wandered aimlessly to the water.

    Across four Aprils the violent rebellion dispelled his primitive nature. An incessant commotion occupied his mind. Distant gunshots and faint cries of dying men echoed in his head like the curious noises that frighten children in the night. As he reached the water he looked up from his wet, sand-covered bottoms and felt the cool ocean breeze brush his long, disheveled black hair across his right cheek. The water greeted him as the moist air kissed his neck like a lover welcoming him home from the long war.

    As his narrow olive green eyes adjusted to the vast sea that lay flat in front of him, a blanket of waving shadows welcomed him. Man often takes solace in the comfort of the ocean. The ocean greeted him; the calmness slowly melted away his frozen vitality, setting free his visceral being that wandered in hopeless abeyance.

Comments

  1. Mercissa
    Hello!
    It has some nice imagery but you have a lot of unnecessary repetitions and there's not enough progress in the scene. For example, ambling and limping mean the same. I can't imagine someone moving fast as they limp, unless they're faking the limp.

    We already know he's limping from the first sentence.
    If he is limping, then, he is most definitely injured somewhere on his feet. We're not too interested with which foot he's injured, just that he IS injured, and it's less powerful when you're telling the readers about the injury rather than showing it to them. I would have described how careful he is at handling his injured leg, on top of having him wince at every step. Also, what are those small white bumps? More sand? Is he sliding down a sand dune or is his foot sinking into it and for some reason, he is feeling small "bumps" (which, I'm assuming, are small rocks?). Anyway, the point is, maybe "bump" isn't the right word here or you may need to make this less awkward.
    In the next line, you have him "[wince] at every step" which is great but once again, we already know that he is in pain. Also, you are describing him as though his wincing face is a part of his character and he winces every time he walks, regardless of the injury. It can be corrected with "...a hard, stern face that was wincing at every step."
    I want to point out that he has been walking for some time now. Also, "wandering aimlessly" is another repetition. I don't think one can wander with an aim but it seems like he does have an aim since he is attempting to get to the water, so this wouldn't make sense with the "aimlessly" part either.
    By "Across four Aprils" did you mean that four years have passed or the violent rebellion only happens during April and it has happened four times? If it's the first option, then, you need to edit the phrase.
    Try not to use the word "like" especially when you're comparing the way the distant gunshots frighten him just as the curious noises frighten children, and not the echoing compared to the children's fear.

    Once again, there's no need for petty details.
    Change "from the long war" to "from a long war" since you're making a comparison to a general thing.

    The last paragraph has more repetitive sentences.
    It's a very peculiar line to put in there. You're telling us the story again and introducing us to a new concept... And I believe that solace embodies the meaning of comfort.

    Furthermore, I don't understand your last sentence. How can he be set free when he has been wandering and how can he be wandering when he is in hopeless abeyance? Maybe I'm missing something here...

    Lastly, you have only been describing physical features and actions. There's been no characterization and I'm feeling an emotional detachment towards the character. It sounds like Henri has been through a lot but I don't feel it. Heck, I don't even feel sympathetic or empathetic towards Henri because I don't know him. What kind of personality does Henri have? How does he view the world? What has happened to make him become this way? Does he have a family? Has he lost someone? What kind of upbringing has he received? You need to make me befriend him before I can feel any emotions for him.
    Describe the rebellion. Please don't leave it at "distant gunshots and faint cries of dying men." What sorts of terrible things has happened in it? How have those men been dying and tortured? Describe the soldiers' despair!

    Anyway, good job on your writing! I know I was nitpicking a bit, but that just goes to show how close you are to being perfect! :D Keep up the good work!
  2. Henri Le Rennet
    Thank you very much! I appreciate the advice. I clearly have much to work on. Sometimes I fail to think through things, and that definitely shows in the introduction to my story. I'll be sure to revise where necessary and show you the changes.

    Also, 'Across four Aprils' is a general phrase describing the American Civil War, since the war or 'rebellion' started in April of 1861 and ended in April of 1865. I plan to include much much much more detail in the final draft (this is only the introduction to my story). So don't worry, I plan to thoroughly tell the story from beginning to end. At the conclusion I hope you, Mercissa, will have fallen in love with Henri and his reason to fight.

    Thank you once again. I appreciate you taking the time to analyze my work. I am very grateful. :)
  3. Mercissa
    Hey, no problem! I can't wait to read it! :)
    I commend you for the courage to put up your writing! I'm rather shy about posting my work but I've become more open to it lately. When I do, perhaps you can scrutinize it as well?
    Cheers,
    Mercissa
    PS Sorry for such a late reply... it's been nearly a month, I realize!
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