Spitting Mad

Published by Carmina in the blog In My Own Little Corner In My Own Little Chair. Views: 109

So, my night last night was asstastic; let me just start by saying that. It started off well enough. I got off work, hit Walmart for some camping supplies for the trip with weekend, came home to dinner with my husband and some friends. I got a call from my sister telling me that our friend D is being an ass and is no longer going on the trip. She says she will tell me about it later. Then, during dinner itself, I got a call requesting my presence at the Opera House for Tuna rehearsal even though tech doesn't start until Sunday, they want us techs there early because it is such a tech intense show with about 40 costume changes.

So, I went to rehearsal at 7:30 without even clearing my plate. Why there, my sister (who is also teching the show along with my Daddy) told me exactly why she is mad at D and why he will not be going on the trip.

Apparantly, D had an ulterior motice for the trip. He wanted to save me from what he percieves to be a marriage to the wrong guy by seducing me. Now, I will own responsibility to giving him some wrong ideas. I complain too much about my husband and what isn't working so well. I am also suffer from a compulsive need for attention and flirt without thinking anything of it. I really don't. I mean it all in fun. It doesn't mean anything. I act the same male, female, gay straight. It is nothing. I just assume that is what everyone else thinks. I never hide the fact that I am married and plan to stay that way.

So, I am pissed at myself. However, I am more pissed at D. This shows a complete lack of respect for me, for my husband, for my marriage. I am afraid I have also shown lack of respect for my marriage by talking too much about what really isn't anyone's business. I have a hard time with boundaries and filters. I need to work on that, but again, I am pissed at myself. I am not even sure who I am more mad at. I feel very disgusted. I feel betrayed by someone who knows that I have low self-esteem and crave unhealthy amounts of attention. He knew this and planned to take advatage. There was going to be plenty of alcohol. When I drink, I rely on others to keep me safe. I have been drinking with D before. I felt safe with him. I don't think I can ever feel safe with him again. I also question my own judgement. I feel very unsettled.

I am also not looking forward to talking to my husband about all this. It will upset him. He might get mad at me. I know he will be wternally pissed D. He already doesn't like him. For the saek of an honest marriage, I have to tell him what is up.

I hope today is better.
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