Tears of pain, tears of joy

I must be losing my mind. I dream of seeing him, holding him, touching him, kissing him. I must be going crazy. WHY would I be thinking of him after all these years. It must be the bad marriage that I am in. I am just looking back for something familiar and better with almost a "grass is greener" attitude. I am really losing it. Could I REALLY have loved him THAT much. Harumph! Could any man be THAT lovable and am I even capable of loving him that much? My heart aches. My breast heaves with sighs of unrequited love. This is crazy; NO ONE loves anyone like this. This MUST be some infatuation. Two husbands and I am still thinking of HIM. What makes him SO special? Could it be that I really DID, I mean, I really still DO love him? If I love him SO much, surely HE must love me too! After all these years, has he been pining for me as I have for him? It would have to be a "dream come true" to believe this and I would have to be willing to DREAM that dream. But am I willing NOT to have him for the rest of my life? That is the question that if facing me; life or death. If "it" is not him; then there is NO man; If he "is it" then I have to know if I am loved by him as much as I love him. I spent years wondering. The time had come to find out if we REALLY had love and STILL do or is what I remember just a dream that never was?