The beginning of my book in progress... can I improve it and how?

By Amara · Mar 14, 2010 · 466 · 2
  1. It was the first day of summer, my friend Tael and I were laying on the lush green fields of my uncles land. Two eight year old boys resting after a romp in the tall grass.
    " Caleras," I remember Tael asking, " are you really going to be the new lord when you're older?" I looked at him and smiled. Tael sat up, the wind blowing through his dirty-blonde
    hair, and frowned.
    "What is wrong?" I inquired, also sitting up, "Are you not happy for me?" He looked at me, worriedly, with his dark blue eyes and spoke.
    " Yes, but..." He paused, " We will not be able to be friends then!"
    " Of course we will, Tael!" I assured him.
    " But I am the son of a bondsman!" He replied. Again I smiled,
    " No matter what happens, we will be friends forever." That statement seemed to have cheered him up, he layed back down on the grass and stared at the slow moving clouds.
    That is all I can remember of that fateful day, the day Tael died...

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  1. Nackl of Gilmed
    Well, there's a few grammar issues and I think your writing style could use some work. First up:

    "It was the first day of summer, my friend Tael and I were laying on the lush green fields of my uncles land."

    It's incorrect to inject a pause between two distinct phrases with a comma like that. If you want to separate them with a comma rather than a full stop, you need to rephrase it so that one is dominant over the other. In this case you should be able to achieve that simply by removing the 'were'. This appears again at the end:

    "That statement seemed to have cheered him up, he layed back down on the grass and stared at the slow moving clouds."

    In that case you could try: "Seemingly cheered up, he layed (also it's spelt laid) back down on the grass and stared at the slow moving clouds."

    Also you need an apostrophe there for "my uncle's land."

    Technical issues aside, the writing style feels a little too flowery for me. This side of things is far more subjective, of course, and it's not so easy to offer advice as I don't know what works for you. All I would suggest is that you continue to work on your voice.
    Nackl of Gilmed, Mar 14, 2010
  2. Prometheus
    It doesn't seem to "hook".
    Prometheus, Mar 15, 2010
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