The Death Grip -- How I've Killed My Creativity

By Link the Writer · Dec 24, 2015 · 802 · 8
  1. After thinking long and deeply about my stories, about why I never seemed to go anywhere above 2,000 words and brief excerpts, I've come to a shocking conclusion: I'm writing for all the wrong reasons. Now, let me be clear, I do take pleasure out of coming up with story ideas, characters, what-if scenarios; I get joy out of talking about the writing process but with my own personal writing? It's not from pure joy, but from pure fear. Fear of failure, fear of an unknown reality where I'm either a bitter old man in a retirement home/dying and knowing that I've never written anything. Fear of people -- people I've conjured up -- thinking I'm a failure and a liar because I don't write. That I'm disappointing them.

    What's hilarious is that my private journals don't suffer as badly as my stories. There's no scare tactics; no guilt-tripping. There's no fear that I'm a failure if I don't produce a journal entry every single day. I can go months without an entry and I'm relatively OK with that. I'm more than perfectly OK with the fact that just about no one will read my journals. So why can't the same be said for my stories? Why can't I just write out the damned story?

    Because of the death grip I've put on it for the last twelve years. All those years of worrying about whether or not it's original enough, worrying about whether or not someone else had used my story ideas. Authors -- with good intentions -- telling me through their blogs that it'd be a shame if I stopped or, to quote Holly Lisle, I would look back and remember a time when I had wings and could soar through the sky. It was never the desire to write because I wanted to write, because I had some smattering of an idea. It was out of fear of the invisible shame, fear of a future where I died a bitter old man because I never wrote anything.

    I read how-to books that gave me a long-winded list of what to do and what not to do. The more I read, the more restrictions I imposed on my creativity. Don't write about elves in your fantasy, oh, that sci-fi idea? Too close to Star Trek, so scrap that. Why aren't you writing? Don't you love writing? You'll die a bitter old man if you don't. People will judge you poorly. It'd be a shame if you'd stop. Oh, you shared your characters and story ideas online? STUPID IDIOT! Now they'll never be published, you're a terrible person!!!

    The death grip got tighter, and tighter, and tighter. It's gotten to the point where I just don't want to write anymore. I want to stop, but I'm driven to write for all the wrong reasons. I want to write, but don't know how to not write for the right reasons. I'm so wound up in the fear, the guilt-tripping, the invisible future shame of not writing that I'm basically frozen.

    It's funny, something that started out so innocent. A random, neat idea I had after reading Prisoner of Askaban in middle school and <chuckles> I've created my own personal Askaban for myself where I'm both the prisoner and the warden.

    I think what I'm trying to say is: I need to take a step back from this whole writing thing. Put it out of my mind for a few months -- a year, maybe. Figure out whether I truly, honestly want to write because I myself want to write. Not because someone else -- with good intentions -- scared me into writing by conjuring up horrible futures of me dying (of cancer, yeah thanks anxiety!) and knowing my stories would die with me.

    So there you have it. My entire relationship with my stories in a nutshell. Darth Vader-styled Force Choking and no end to it.
    Oscar Leigh, ladybird and Ben414 like this.

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  1. Lifeline
    I don't have a solution to your problem either, but I could feel a similar fear approaching one time. Curiously it was while starting to read a how-to book. Now I've read one scores of years ago, really relishing it and it did nothing bad to my creativity. But this time around, while I am actively writing and being engaged to the point of becoming a hermit with my WIP it's different. It was as if there was a guy scowling at me, admonishing me not to do this and forget that but you should never leave out this one over there.. there were just too many fingers pointing and I could feel it chocking my creativity. I feared (hopefully irrationally) that my story would never measure up, that no one would be as engaged with my MCs and world, and a whole lot of other stuff clogged my brain, all at once. In my case the solution was simple. Close the book, ban it to the shelf and forget the admonishment. I can look at it later when I have finished first draft and be logical again.

    I didn't write for a whole lot of years but then I didn't feel the need to. Try to find your heart that sings, and if that song is not for writing just forget about it now. I don't know how old you are but writing can be done anytime, whenever a story erupts. Be patient and maybe it will come.
    Lifeline, Dec 24, 2015
      Link the Writer and Haze-world like this.
  2. Ben414
    Thanks for sharing. I'm also wondering whether there is a disconnect between enjoying well-written prose, interesting characters, deep themes, and gripping plot, and writing them yourself. Intuitively, it would make sense they are distinct pleasures, but what would cause them to be enjoyed differently? It gets to the matter of why we enjoy reading at all so that it can compared to why we might enjoy writing.

    For a comparison, look at people who enjoy watching sports but don't enjoy playing them. I think most people like sports for a) being able to cheer for their team to win (i.e. competitiveness); or b) appreciating the skill involved in playing it. It would seem that playing the sport gives you both of these as well, though, so why is it different? Is it because many people themselves cannot play the sport well enough to win in a meaningful fashion and display a high level of skill, and they are either unwilling to or incapable of spending the many, many hours of training necessary to reach that level? Or is there another cause for the enjoyment that makes watching sports and playing sports categorically distinct?

    If the enjoyment in reading stories comes from being able to learn more about ourselves, then does the enjoyment in writing come from being able to teach ourselves more about ourselves, or does it come from being able to teach others about themselves, or does the enjoyment come from a mechanical efficiency (through enjoying the feeling of making all the parts of a story work much the way that someone might feel good for being able to solve a math problem)? I wish I knew these answers because I'm also trying to figure out whether I want to write for the wrong reasons or whether I'm just afraid of not being able to write up to my self-imposed standards.
    Ben414, Dec 24, 2015
      Link the Writer and Haze-world like this.
  3. Lifeline
    @Ben414 : I can only speak for myself but there is a whole world of difference between writing myself and enjoying others work. I am and was ever since I remember a vocarious reader and I was learning with each novel I read (about different persons, different characters, choices and intentions) but it is very much different now that I am writing myself.
    In writing I am forced to become so involved with my MC's and the villain that I can see through their eyes, describe and explain what drives me (i.e. "them") in these acts. That is a different level than just being a passive outrider as in reading a novel some other guy wrote.
    I guess that this is not a thing for everyone. There are times now that I question whether it is sane ;)
    But hell, it is fun to explore different reactions in yourself :D and I can't get that else through writing. So.
    Lifeline, Dec 24, 2015
      Ben414 and Link the Writer like this.
  4. Haze-world
    Hi Link, reading your blog has put me in mind of a base jumper who really enjoys the preparations, planning and making small jumps from buildings, but everytime it comes to jumping from a far taller cliff, the magnitude of what is happening stops the jumper in his tracks.

    My suggestion is that you get up on that cliff, stop focussing on all that other stuff and jump. You say you love all the preparations and that you write happily in your journal, therefore it's probably safe to say when you clear your mind and jump you will enjoy an even greater adrenalin rush.

    Also, the best part is, if your chute fails, it doesn't matter, you just pick yourself up, extract yourself from the simile and start again, having learnt a lot from it all.
    :supersmile:
    Haze-world, Dec 24, 2015
      Link the Writer and Lifeline like this.
  5. Imaginarily
    My dear Link, you know exactly what I'm going to say, right?

    Just write for you. Fuck the rules, embrace your clichés, write whatever the hell makes you happy.

    I think in your quest for perfection you have lost sight of the reason why you're trying to become better. You enjoy storytelling because you're a storyteller. That's all there is to it for people like you and me. The only person whose opinion should matter is our own, because we're doing this for its own sake, not to make a living or prove some point.

    You've seen my work. Jack was basically born out of Amelia Atwater-Rhodes fanfiction, and he wears a ton of sappy clichés around his neck. Do I care? Nah. Why not? Because his story makes me happy.

    I wish I could instill in you the same "Eh, fuck 'em" that I've developed, but that mindset has to evolve naturally inside you. Otherwise you won't believe in it. The best I can do is just sit here with my "Write For YOU!" bat and bonk you with it whenever this angst strikes you. :/

    So, *bonk*

    Write for you, silly whale. Write whatever you want, write what makes you happy. There are no rules, there are no restrictions.

    *bonks for days*
    Imaginarily, Dec 25, 2015
  6. Haze-world
    Haha! I'm really wishing I could double-like Imaginarily's post right now!
    :cheerleader:
    Haze-world, Dec 25, 2015
      Imaginarily and Link the Writer like this.
  7. Link the Writer
    Wow, thanks for all the replies! :D A wonderful Christmas present to wake up to!

    @Lifeline - Well yeah, part of that is because my characters sometimes scare the ever loving hell out of me. A character you thought was very loving, kind, and friendly ends up molesting the teen main character; or a serf owner who genuinely wants to adopt an orphaned child, but because of the extreme racism and xenophobia, because of the scandal it would create, he binds the child to serfdom instead. Or a psychopath character who exacts vengeance on the children of the people he hates because, to quote him, "There's no special kind of hell greater than hurting a parent's child." And he hurts the children right in front of them. He takes pleasure in their howls of desperation, of fear.

    It's like, "Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with you people!!?" :p I agree, it's on a more innate level when you're writing you're own characters rather than just reading them. Lisle was correct that you may find yourself conjuring up characters who fill you with absolute disgust and horror. When I imagined the rape/molestation scene, I thought, "Oh God, [character's name], why would you do this? You're a disgusting monster! I thought you were better than this!"

    @Ben414 - You've an excellent point. Not all who watch sports know how to play/wants to play sports. In my case, I do have the desire, but as all of you pointed out: I've gotten so distracted by everything else that I may have lost sight of the real reason why I wanted to write them in the first place: it filled me with excitement, with curiosity. To challenge myself. That's probably why I gave one of my characters a neurological disorder that I'm not that all familiar with: to challenge myself. I like to ask myself, "Can I do this? Let's see what will happen?" It morphed into the whole "Will this offend...?" thing, but at the core, it was 99.999% pure curiosity.

    @Haze-world -That's the beauty of writing. If it fails, you can always go back to the drawing board and try again, or put it away and work on another project for a while.

    @Imaginarily - *is bonked*

    "You enjoy storytelling because you're a storyteller. That's all there is to it for people like you and me. The only person whose opinion should matter is our own, because we're doing this for its own sake, not to make a living or prove some point."

    Beautiful quote. I'll remember this forever.

    I think it's easy for our ego to get in the way and want to write for everyone everywhere and it's all for their sake and we want to change the world!!! It's very easy. After all, we were inspired by authors who did make it big, who did make a mark on the world. So we read how-to guides, we absorb the 'dos' and 'do-nots' like the Laws of the Ten Commandments themselves. Our ego and our quest for perfection, to prove some point to the world blinds us to what we really wanted to do. We just wanted to write. It's what all the other writers are doing. As I've learned over the past few months, it's not about trying to change the world or satisfy a large group of people. It's about the story you (a) find very compelling and (b) the story you want to write.

    Writing is one of the few things in which we get to be entirely selfish and self-centered about but it's so easy to be distracted by the details.

    Thanks everyone. =) I really enjoyed reading the responses, gave me a lot to think about. As hard-headed of a whale as I am, it's going to take a bit for me to let go of that twelve year long grip I held on my creativity, but I feel it loosening up month by month. :D
    Link the Writer, Dec 25, 2015
      Ben414, Imaginarily and Haze-world like this.
  8. Lifeline
    *hug*
    Then go out with my blessings and create the world inside. It is a big universe, surely there is space enough for all the stories :)
    Lifeline, Dec 25, 2015
      Link the Writer likes this.
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