The Tragedy of Julius Caesar ~ A PARADOY!!

Published by Link the Writer in the blog My First Internet Blog. Views: 49


I had considered posting it in the "Humor" section of the Short Stories, but I realized that since the paradoy is so long and I'm not looking for a critique, I elected to post it here in my blog. :)
Let the games begin!
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A/N: Welcome to the first ever parody, done by yours truly…ME. Today, we will parody William Shakespeare’s The Tragedy of Julius Caesar. Enjoy and know that I own your soul.
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ACT I. SCENE I.
(Scene I. Rome, a street.)
(We see two guys, Flavius and Marullus walking down this street all pissed off.)

FLAVIUS
Go home! Go home, for the love of Jupiter!!! Why are you commoners wandering around like a bunch of brain-dead zombies!? You! Random commoner! Get over here so I can sneer at you and demand you to tell me what your job is!

GUY
I’m a carpenter by trade, sir. I fix and build furniture.

FLAVIUS
Why, then, are you walking around not in your leather apron and building furniture?! You suck! Hey, you! Other guy! WTF do you do for a living?

GUY #2
I’m a workman?

FLAVIUS
Don’t be a smartass! Tell me IMMEDIATELY!!!

GUY #2
Woah, easy there. Want help removing that stick from your ass? I’m a shoemaker and yes, I am handy with an awl, thought I wanted to mention it so you’d know I’m quite deadly with it. ;) Anyways, I-

FLAVIUS
THEN WHY ARE YOU NOT WORKING!?!?!?!?! (Stomps foot)

SHOEMAKER
(Backing away from this lunatic, holding his hands out in a ‘please stay away’ motion) Because Caesar is home, triumphed from battle.

(At this, Flavius and Marullus are shocked. Caesar won? Their face twist in a contortion of rage and mental anguish. Their limbs and lower lips tremble like that of a small child. Marullus advances, barely keeping in the tears.)

MARULLUS
H-He won?! Our hated enemy won a battle!? You…(He shakes his fists) You blocks, you stones, you WORST THAN SENSELESS THINGS!! (Children giggle in the background) Why can I not curse?

ME
Dude, this is rated PG, not R. Chop-chop!

(Marullus glares at me with his tear-stained, pig-faced eyes.)

FLAVIUS
It’s no matter, Marullus. Let’s knock over this Caesar statue here (does so), and carry our pathetic pity-potties elsewhere.

(They leave)

SHOEMAKER
WTF was that all about?

ME
Don’t ask me, mate. I didn’t write this play. Continue with the next scene!
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ACT I. SCENE II.
(A Public Place)
(We see Julius Caesar accompanied by his wife Calpurnia, the sex god general Mark Antony, a soothsayer decked out in robes, and Brutus, Casca, Cassius and Cicero in the huge ass crowd. Portia and Decius Brutus are also present too. Caesar raises his arm and opens his mouth.)

CASCA
Everyone, shut up! Caesar is about to speak!

CAESAR
Calpurnia, lovvie!!!

CALPURNIA
Yes?
CAESAR
Go stand in Mark Antony’s way as he prepares to run the course!

(Calpurnia tilts her head and her face registers concern, but she complies anyway. Antony is shirtless like the other runners who are all doing pushups under the watchful eye of a overweight, aging general with a huge scar running across his eye and down his mouth.)

CAESAR
Antonius!

(Antony immediately jumps onto his feet. The sunlight strikes his sweat-covered six-packs, making them glimmer almost. The song Too Sexy For My Shirt plays out and we hear the “Aaahs“ as a few teenaged Roman girls collapse in a dead faint in awe of his utter sexiness. And no, I‘m not going gay for Antony.)

ANTONY
(Looking warily at the fainted girls) My Lord?

CAESAR
Yah, before you start running, touch my wife. She’ll take away any curse.

ANTONY
Um, sure, sir.

(He lightly taps Calpurnia on the shoulder. She immediately shrieks and withdraws. Antony is sad. Upbeat patriotic Roman music plays.)

CAESAR
Okay, time to start. Ciao!

(The crowd is clapping and fainting as Antony and the other racers we don‘t care about takes their position. Caesar and the flustered Calpurnia ride in their little chariot a ways away until the Soothsayer appears!)

SOOTHSAYER
(With a wavering voice) CAESAR!!!!


(Everyone stops in their tracks. Caesar looks around.)

CAESAR
Who calls?

CASCA
*sighs* All right, people! Let’s all be quiet now! Shut up!

CAESAR
Okay, now I know I heard someone yell out my name. Come out! Come out!

SOOTHSAYER
BEEWAAAAAARE THE IIIIIDES OF MAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRCCCHH!!!

CAESAR
Sunofa…okay, what did that guy just say, Brutus?

BRUTUS
It’s a soothsayer telling you to beware the Ides of March.

CAESAR
Bring him forward!

(Roman guards appear)

CAESAR
As much as I love to see you guys throw hapless people at my feet, not this time. Cassius, please fetch for him.

CASSIUS
(Spots a guy in robes and drags him to Caesar)

CAESAR
Okay, wise guy. What did you say?

SOOTHSAYER
(Hesitates)
BEEWAAAAAARE THE IIIIIDES OF MAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRCCCHH!!!

(Everyone presents roll their eyes)

CAESAR
Just your usual lunatic ranting about the end of the world. Let’s go!

(They leave him)
SOOTHSAYER
Damn, this is going to really screw things up!! (Takes out pictures he drew in crayon. They are of: Napoleon Bonaparte, The Titanic sinking, Adolf Hitler, JFK‘s assassination, The Roswell Incident of 1947, Pearl Harbor, and of course, December 21, 2012.) His death will directly cause these to happen!! Oh, I must not let them happen! Be still, my heart! (Runs off)

(We now pan our camera to Brutus and Cassius, who snuck behind a pot-making shop to dodge everyone.)

CASSIUS
M’kay, you gonna go see the course?

BRUTUS
No.

CASSISUS
Why not?

BRUTUS
I hate games. I loose a lot of money there.

(FLASHBACK)
ANNOUNCER
And Salvinus wins again!! HOORAY!!

GUY NEXT TO BRUTUS
Ha! You owe me 23 gp, buddy! (Thumps him on shoulder)

BRUTUS
(Dejected)
My money…my hard-earned money… :*(

(PRESENT DAY)

CASSIUS
M’kay, well, let me ask you something. Can you see your face?

BRUTUS
Now that’s a ridiculous question. See my face? I’m not blind!

CASSIUS
No, no. I mean your metaphorical face. The face that-
(They hear a lot of shouting)

BRUTUS
What are they shouting about? Caesar? I have to be honest with you, Cassius, I’m worried. The people want him to be their king.

CASSIUS
Ah, so you fear it!

BRUTUS
I have my doubts. Don’t get me wrong, I love the man-

ME
Heh. Hee-hee!

BRUTUS
NOT THAT WAY, YOU NINE-YEAR-OLD CHILD!!!

ME
Okay, okay. Heh. I’ll stop. (Inserts witty Brokeback Mountain joke)

BRUTUS
There is no way you’re twenty-one. No possible way.

CASSIUS
Ooooookay, let me guide the story back to its proper position by saying thusly: I’m tired of Caesar. Dead stinkin’ tired of him. He’s a military genius. Cool. He wants to rule as the leader of the Roman Republic, aight, but this!? He wishes to proclaim himself KING Caesar of Rome. KING!! This is madness!

ME
This. Is. Sp-

(More shouting is heard. Brutus silently thanks Jupiter.)

BRUTUS
They sound like applause, don’t they, Cassius?

CASSIUS
HA! He means to crown himself.

ME
Okay, guys. I would love to keep things going, but I’ve made it very much clear here that Cassius doesn’t like Caesar and Brutus is doubtful.

BRUTUS
But what of the exposition? The character-

ME
Oh, fine! Cassius thanks you for listening to his ramble about how Caesar’s the anti-Christ of Rome and bids you farewell because Caesar’s back!

BRUTUS
Excellent!

ME
Oh, and Casca is made to speak to you. He mentions that Antony gave Caesar the crown THREE times, but Caesar refused on grounds of which it is not clear, but I theorize Caesar was trying to make a point for the people, like he was all “No! I will not accept this crown though beautiful it is and how sexy it’d look on my head!”

BRUTUS
He said those words exactly?

ME
Well, not exactly. OH, and he had a lot of fainting spells too, so yeah. Not exactly a good day for him. Casca leaves and Cassius basically says, “Think on what you‘ve just witnessed!” So now it’s time for you to ANGST!!!

BRUTUS
I hate you sometimes, you know that?
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Well, here are the first two scenes. More hilarity to come later. :D Come, come, comment on how you thought of it.
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