Trailer trash - rise of the planet of apes
‘I wonder how this film ends?’ – No one
What with King Kong and now this, Andy Serkis has successfully become the first actor in history who is being typecast as an ape. Apparently James Franco’s brilliant scientist is so gosh darn it brilliant that a side effect of his new virus/plasmid/magic potion is high intelligence. A side effect. That’s like a cure for aids having the side effect of curing the aids of anyone the user of the cure also has sex with. A film where one man cures his Aids and has to have sex with every other victim on the planet to cure the virus would be fantastic/interesting. Sadly, we’re stuck with this.
Having presumably injected every monkey, the scientists decide to then check for any dangerous side effects, while wondering if they’re actually starring in a spoof of 28 Days Later and later wishing they were starring in a good film, like 28 Days Later. Please don’t go and see this. Rent 28 Days Later.
ROTPOTA – Tom Strange draft
A group of scientists sit around wondering what they can inject in apes next, because trying to cure cancer got boring. Brilliant scientist James Franco bursts in screaming.
DR FRANCO: They’ve gone ape! They’ve all gone Ape!
TOKEN BLACK CHARACTER WHO WILL BE FIRST TO DIE: The hell you talking about?
DR FRANCO: You maniacs! They’ll blow it up! I’m telling ya they’ll blow it all to hell!
TOKEN BLACK CHARACTER WHO WILL BE THE FIRST TO DIE SERIOUSLY THIS STILL HAPPENS IN FILMS WATCH X MEN FIRST CLASS IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME I KNOW ITS PATHETIC ISN’T IT BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO: Damn!
INT. DARK CORRIDOR
A nervous security guard mistakes a walking ape for a human in the shadows.
SECURITY: Hey you! You’re not authorised to be here! Stop monkeying around!
Audience member laughs hysterically. Rest of audience wish they had rented 28 days later.
Idea for twist at the end: Franco, the last survivor of humanity looks into the sky and sees two suns. It was another planet all along!
You can have that Hollywood. And the Aids-cure-man idea too. And any needless prequels you come up with for that.
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