Tristan

Published by shirtsjokkum in the blog shirtsjokkum's blog. Views: 43

I feel like I'm in that Aerosmith song.
I don't want to close my eyes, even though I'm exhausted, because I don't want to waste a single second of this.
Tomorrow you will be gone. I press my face to your chest and try not to cry, I don't want to cry on you, how embarrassing would that be, you already think I'm weak, I don't need you to think that with any more certainty. Then again, maybe you'd like it if I did, maybe you'd think it was proof that I really do love you. You slide your hand to mine and grasp my fingers with yours. I love the way your hand makes mine look tiny, your whole body does that, I love it.
I wonder if its getting light out, the thought makes me panic. Morning is the worst thing I could possibly imagine right now, the scariest thing in the world. Morning means the end of this, the end of this moment; and I don't know when the next time a moment like this will come again.
Is it wrong that I don't want you to ever leave me again? Is it wrong that I want you here with me like this forever until the end of time? If you knew that I was thinking this, you'd laugh, tell me it wasn't possible, or maybe even say that you wouldn't want that, and that would ruin this moment. So I won't tell you, I'll just let it pass from my head and be taken over by something new. Like the smell of your skin.
It's funny in a scary sort of way, to know that at one point, not so long ago, I was afraid that I'd never smell you again; never smell this. I wonder if you know that just the memory of your scent can take me away faster than even the sound of your voice. When I think of you, and the memory becomes so real, its like I'm there again, right next to you; and I never want to leave.
I wish that I could take a picture of us right now, so that when it gets so hard to be away from you, when I start to think that I can't take it anymore, I can look at it and know that we were here. I don't have a camera, so I'll just have to remember the only way that I can. I will sit down some night in the near future at a time when it feels like my world is ending and you're farther away than the fucking moon, and I will write this all down.
Is it weird that I do that? I'm not sure.
I sigh, and you ask me what I'm thinking, and I tell you its nothing important, because it isn't, nothing is when compared to this. I don't even know why I sighed, I just can't seem to help it when I'm with you.
You sigh. I ask you for the reason. You say its been too long. Since what, I scoff, you've had sex? No, you say and tighten your arm around me, it's been too long since you've seen me. My lungs tighten and my eyes begin to burn. You cared, you cared that you weren't able to see me. I turn back towards you and press my lips to yours, wanting to tell you how much that means to me, but once again afraid that I will cry. Funny, how much that seems to happen in connection to you. I don't if that's a good thing or not.
I think I'm gonna cry, I say finally, and you laugh. Why would that make me want to cry you wonder. It's because it made me happy, don't you know that? I don't understand how you don't understand how much it means to me when you say things that let me know you care, maybe if you did you'd do it more often.
Tell me you love me, I say softly, wishing I didn't have to ask, but willing to do it anyway. You smile and turn your face to my ear, pressing your lips against it. I love you, you whisper. And for a moment, just a brief one, I do cry. My eyes fully water and spill over, but the moment passes quickly, and I try to pretend it never happened by pulling your face to mine and kissing you as hard as I can. Maybe I can make you understand by how much I want you; sometimes I wonder if that's the only way you even can. I wish I could show you what I feel when you hold me, when you look at me, when you kiss me. I wish I could make you feel it too. I'm scared that you never will.
I don't want to fall asleep, but its so hard sometimes. I feel so safe here in your arms, like nothing can ever reach me through them, nothing bad that could ever take this away. But thats not right, its not true. Morning will come and I will wake up and all this safety and peace that comes with you will have dissolved like the night, and I will be empty and scared again; and you will be gone.
I try to shove this away, try to block this from my head. I don't need it, I don't need it tonight. I just want to feel you next to me, feel you breathe.
That's all I've ever wanted from you.
All I ever will.
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