Wondering...

There is a laugh that old people have. A short laugh, as if reflecting back on it all. I wonder how an old person views life. Do they see all the foolish things they spent or watched others spend time and energy devoting themselves to or fighting?

I wonder because I wonder now. It feels like I am in a house of cards (bet you never heard that before). That the rules that supposedly govern you and the things around you and the world at large are all make believe. That all of civilization and it's principles and such is one great monumental fantasy that we have built around ourselves. A huge bubble designed to keep out a single, urgent thought. What are we really doing? Why are we here? I don't think we have an answer because there is no answer. No purpose. We simply are.

Perhaps it is because of some pride, but like religion, we construct a purpose and a manifest destiny for human beings. We are, and we are meant to...do what? Expand? OK. Air expands too. What a great achievement that would be...because?

What are we doing? It seems like all this activity is mere busy work. Our entire human civilization is powered by our need to avoid boredom and so life has become dominated by all this fluff and flop I've come to call 'the great games'. But we are doing nothing of true note. I think it will all come to a head if I was old and looked back on all the things I spent my life doing. The things I spent my life seeking, reaching, fighting, and trying for. And it would seem that all of it was useless. Useless. Busy work. A whole lot of nothing. That the only things that ever really mattered to me was that I love my family (as I would define family), love my friends, and love those who come after me. And in doing so, hope they could love me too. Even writing. In the end, it just seems something I have picked that entertains me on this long ride. But even through my writing, I am simply trying to connect to people I care about. And that in reading it, I hope they could connect with me.