You died: Here

Ah~ Reincarnation.
Even in a land built off of the belief of gods and Buddha, not many people actually believe in it in Japan. Still, I can talk about it without getting a violent response. No one attempts to expel Satan out of me. Also no one attempts to put me in the loony bin either. This is much appreciated.

I was raised as a Bible-thumping God-fearing Christian.
So of course I ignored all my dreams as a child.
I paid no attention to the signs or memories of my past lives.
There was only one life. It was this one. I thoroughly believed that after I died, I would either go to Heaven or Hell and spend eternity in one of them. Jesus allowing, it would be Heaven.
(my fear of Hell was borderline psychotic.) Glad I saw the light. I no longer fear death.
And funnily enough, I no longer wish to die either. For once I am happy to be alive. Even though now to Christian standards I am damned. Go figure.

Yet things change.
If we allow ourselves, we too can change.

I went from believing that I knew everything, to understanding that I can truly know nothing.

All I can trust is my feelings of the world around me.
I've learned to listen to myself.

Slowly, I remembered who I was before.


Recently I visited the area where I once used to live in my past life.
I went to the area around where my bones now remains
in some dried up and long since buried river bed.



I had killed myself....
I still remember the weight of the stone and
the bitter cold winter waters that rushed over me.
Vividly I can recall bright moon shining down above me through the clear waters.
I remember the pain in my heart.
I was distraught with sorrow.
I drowned myself in a branch of the Hozugawa river in Kyoto some 400
years ago.

Going back there felt like being split in two. My mind felt torn between this world
and the world I had refused to leave for many years until my Twin came to get me.
I had remained trapped in my own grief filled world. Time stood still in my eternal self-inflected pain filled world.

I stumbled around in the bamboo grove in Arashiyama for over 6 hours. I could not bring myself to leave that area. I felt as if part of me wanted to stay there forever.
I found myself walking over the same old ground, over and over again.
I kept passing by the same graveyards and temples.
My heart beat quickened my breath became labored.
I could not avoid the energy that surged through the very ground.
The air was thick with all those who had come before.
I felt as if I was being pulled back in and would not get out...

Night fell, the whispers grew louder, the faces of people passing began to blur in the greying light.
Were they really there? Was I really here?
The screams of people long since dead still pierced the air around me.
He was dead.
Dead.
(Find the river)

I was in a numb daze. Panicked and fear stricken I headed for the river.

"Let it go, Delise." My spirit mother said to me.
He was right. I could not live in the past. I did not need to anymore.
I had found him again in this life. I had found them all again in this life.
My spirit mother and father and twin.
I had even met my Gemini.

Slowly, I am healing.
Slowly, I am letting go and moving on.