Age Differences in Relationships

Love can happen at any age and between any two people. The issue you've brought up isn't love or romance, really, it's sex. It's unlawful to have sex or engage in sexual activity with an underage person ...whatever the permutations of that may be.

The difference between your characters isn't so great as to be icky at all, in fact if they were both 5 years older nobody would bat an eye. So go for it. If this had happened in a different century, their parents would be marrying them off. However, if they live in modern times, they need to be aware that in some places sexual activity between them at their present ages would be illegal.

You could actually base your story around this issue if you wanted to. They genuinely love each other, but can't do anything about it yet.

 

FWIW, my wife, when she was 15 and 16, dated a fellow who was five years older than she (this was before she and I met). Her parents were VERY upset about it, which is why she kept it going (rebellious little thing, she was). Nothing ever happened between them, and she eventually broke it off.

In the film "Manhattan", Woody Allen plays a guy of 40 dating a girl of 17 (played by Mariel Hemingway), an odd example of art predicting life.

I take it, @Duchess-Yukine-Suoh, that you want your readers to not be creeped out by this relationship. I'd suggest making him a little immature for his age and her very mature for hers. But I, like @GingerCoffee, am curious as to why she has to be in high school. What do you feel it adds to the story?

 

It also depends on the time period. A hundred or so years ago, he might even be considered too young for her.

 

@EdFromNY, it's hard to explain without a really long summary, but at the start of the story, before she's pulled into solving a mystery about her dead brother, she's living alone in a dingy apartment with a guardian she never sees, working a hard job. Being in high school gives her friends she sees on an almost daily basis, teachers, learning, activities. She'll miss those. She'd probably be happy to leave her old life without those.

 

It depends on the characters and how you present it. I mean, a same age relationship could be pretty creepy if one of them was really immature and the other was blatantly using them. The age of consent is sixteen in the UK so as far as we're concerned a 17 year old can do whatever they want really. Make it a thing in your story though, don't brush it off as "oh there's a four year age gap between them." make some sort of acknowledgement of the situation on the character's behalf.

My grandma got married at eighteen with a four year age gap, she's still happy forty-odd years on.

 

Aside from law or otherwise, that's not much of an age difference really. My last partner was 11 yrs my junior. I know in younger years people tend to see 5 yrs as being huge, but from the perspective of later life that's hardly anything at all. Your difficulty comes in because of the teenage question more than the mere 5yrs difference. If they were 20 and 25 you probably wouldn't be asking this question. If it were an historical setting that age would been seen as past their prime. Back in the day people often married very young, certainly before 18yrs.

From the perspective of someone in middle age let me tell you, although I thought I was all grown up at 18, 22,28 and 30. The truth is most people don't reach proper adult mindset until closer to 30yrs old. The twenties really is like a prolonged adolescence in which individuals are still trying to find their identity, railing against authority, and being driven by blind ambition. That's not a negative assessment at all, it's just what people do in their 20's. They still have a rather naive understanding about what the world is all about even though they are doing obstensibly adult things. Your 22yr old guy emotionally and mentally isn't that far ahead of a 17yr old girl, if at all. He's probably just more experienced sexually. My 29yr old boyfriend acted like an absolute child a lot of the time. But he was pretty typical of guys in his age group.

So back to your question whether or not it's creepy depends upon your milieu. You are allowed to write about things which may break the law, it's writing not doing. But whether or not readers see it a paedophilia really comes down to how you handle it and what context you put it into.

 

I don't think anyone's brought this up yet but does iot have to be explicitly stated that the guy is 21/22? I have no problem with a five year age difference and I'm pretty sure few people would bat an eye about a relationship between a guy who "looked around twenty" and a seventeen year old girl.

 

It doesn't, actually. Good idea!

 

Different here, age of consent is 16 in UK

 

In my opinion, I've always been picky with age difference. I usually say two year max between partners, but I accept larger age gaps.

The biggest age gap I accept would be in medieval times when females would get married to forty year olds at the age of thirteen. But I can only have it as medieval, if its modern then that story is rather creepy and I would back away from it with my hands up.

 

There is a HUGE difference between a relationship between a 16 yo and a 22 yo and a relationship between a 17 yo and a 21 yo. Basically, there is a good difference between a 17 yo and a 22 yo as well. But, first and foremost, a sixteen year old, in most cases, is light years away from the putative maturity level of a 21 or 22 yo. THAT relationship would be creepy as well as illegal in the United States.

The seventeen year old, however, can be presumed to have reached a different stage of maturity (more or less) and experience. Of course, it is the experience that begets the maturity so that, too, is subjective. Still, a 3 or four year difference in age between a savvy and aware 17 year old and the average 21 year old could probably be made to work as a good fit.

16 yr old is more adolescent than adult; 17 year old is a bit more adult (hopefully) than the 16 yr old. A lot of things come into play but, for the most part, putting a 16 yo and a 21/22 yo together, you are definitely treading on creep factor territory and, as previously mentioned, in the United States, potentially illegal, statutory territory as well. Even at the age of 16 a person is considered a juvenile lacking in sufficient maturity to make informed decisions. Ignoring the fact that this is not always the case, it is still the law.

 

Hi @Wordsmith. In my opinion...I think you're getting too entangled there, and I don't share your perspective. Sixteen and thirty may be creepy to our eyes, but my mother was sixteen, and Dad was 22...when they...

Also...with our fiction - well, I see 'young woman trapped in smalltown meets college boy.' This is hardly taboo...or is it? atb

(I'll go read the thread)

...OP - I would make the age difference as 'difficult' as possible...15/20 even. It is fiction, you want to explore ideas and bring the audience on a journey...this is so important. Many posts ask 'what is safe..?' well, who cares about that? There's no complexity or conundrum in 'safe.'

 

Remember this: you're writing fiction. Many and any thing(s) can happen in a story. I can't imagine this would be a problem for readers if you make them believe it can work. In a fantasy setting, it's very possible to let it be, without it being an issue within the story. In a more realistic setting, you'd probably want to address your readers oppositions or concerns within the story. This could be a minor subplot, or it could be as small as a few lines, or a few instances wherein they meet opposition to their relationship.

Also keep in mind, that most states won't consider it illegal within 3 years if both parties and the parents are OK with it. If the parents of the girl were to press charges, then it would matter. 16-21 is a big gap, and readers would probably expect some repercussions in a modern American setting. 17-21, is less of a problem.

As long as the story works, their ages will probably be among the least of your worries. The only people I imagine being genuinely upset are those who are religious, or religiously against age differences like this. Now there would likely be a bit more opposition if this were a real case scenario, but this is the stuff of fiction.