So I’m like at the store - right? - because I just have to run in and pick up milk ‘cause I just ran out yesterday, and there’s nowhere to park in the parking lot, so I end up pulling into the handicapped space, figuring I wasn’t going to take too long, and I swear I wasn’t in the store five minutes but as soon as I come out I see there is this lady in a wheelchair sitting right next to my car and she’s like on her cell phone with the cops and the next thing I know this cop is writing me a ticket for illegal parking and he wants to see my driver’s license, but I’ve like left my purse at home because I was just going to run out for a minute - right? - so then he writes me another ticket for driving without a license, and just as he’s about to leave I start my the and get ready to pull out and before I know it the cop is writing me another ticket for not wearing a seat belt and I’m like, oh my god this can NOT be happening to me. (yes that really is just one sentence.)
It was a fart that would end a marriage; a torpid vaporous effulgence, eye-stinging, nose burning, flagrantly condemning the gustatory selections of its callous creator, if not the very veracity of his being truly and surely alive, living but not living, perhaps perfectly a prime example of petrifying corpse flesh that one might only find on the lank and withered fractured frame of the unholy undead.
The tracks were fresh, they were just laid by a throng of beaten slaves with long voluptuous hair mostly starved but oddly well built considering the level of malnutrician their oppressors had put them through while subjecting them to the horrors and indiginties of putting fresh steel to wood without even letting them charge their iPods.
I love this. Reminds me of the opening to a fanfic someone once showed me: In the darkness, some pony farted. "Who just ripped flank?" Silence. "Who!? That was bucking awful." [Pony vocabulary translation: "somepony" = "somebody" (but this author wrote it as two words); "flank" = "ass"; "bucking" = "fucking"]
It is a story of true love. A sexy Roman soldier with impossibly chiseled abs and biceps discovers a Gaul princess and the two bond, never mind that his men are currently burning, killing, raping, looting and enslaving her people IT'S TRUE LOVE, DAMMIT! >:[ Anywhoo, they form a bond and this soldier turns a 180º against everything that would've logically and historically been engrained into his Roman mind since childhood and fights his own people FOR TRUE LOVE AND FREEDOM!! Despite this, um...true loves conquers all and blends culture together and...um...it conquers war! READ IT, IT'S TRUE LOVE! Here, a shot of the sexy Roman soldier inexplicably shirtless and his scantly-clad Gaul princess in front of some vague yellow heat that will serve as the front cover! I shall call it... Roman Steel
That face! Brilliant. If I opened a book to see that (although I probably wouldn't open it due to the near soft porno cover) I would burn it for the sake of humanity. The sad thing is that some wannabe writers probably do things like that. I would try, but I can't force myself to write like this.
I could actually see that happening with eBooks in the future. Just because it hasn't been done before, doesn't mean someone won't be the first. I think I will accept Literature as dead the day it becomes normal or even accepted though.
I've actually seen books written in an AIM chat format that use those. (The TTYL series, to be specific.) In that context it works, but otherwise, eesh.
It would be like the author just going, "I'm too lazy to show that this character is *insert emotion*, so I'll just put an emoticon instead!"
Now, see, that makes sense. What else would you be doing at a urinal, and why would you feel the need to explain it?
I can't believe nobody's mentioned this absolute classic yet: "[Protagonist], wake up, you're going to be late for school!"
"Sara, I am threw with you. I am so sick and tired of your constant complaining. We're done!" She had not expected the sudden outburst, her emotions flared unable to handle the rejection. "John, where is this coming from?" In the corner of her eyes, she saw Mindy spying on them with that only showed her hand in all of this. "Mindy, she got to you didn't she!" Her changed just as suddenly to . "Mindy finally showed me the truth," John's was beyond anything Sara had ever seen.
Barlitoran was Gabriel's father. Indeed, it's a story of a son who turned against his evil father, fighting for peace, justice and hope for his kingdom. He will endure, he shall endure. Barlitoran will fall before the noble Gabriel. For Gabriel has his companions, the Elf Warrior from a fading culture, a dwarf who works in the mines, a human child plucked from the streets and a turned-from-evil Orc found in a cave. They're all beautiful and Barlitoran and his minions are ugly and gross because ugly and gross people are EVIL!!! And, oh god, why did I quit that well-paying profession to write this!?!
Looking back over the past year of my life, I see now that it was perfect. As such, I never had any pressing issues that needed action towards a resolution. In addition, I never experienced any human growth over the year and never encountered anyone who did either. I never saw any noteworthy sights nor smelled any noteworthy smells nor tasted any noteworthy tastes nor heard any noteworthy sounds nor felt any noteworthy things. Despite all of this, I will now recount in detail every day over the past year.
The villain found the hero in his crib and adopted the hero to raise as his evil apprentice. The End.
