Voice in head?

Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by GuardianWynn, Jan 27, 2015.

  1. Chinspinner

    Chinspinner Contributor Contributor

    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2011
    Messages:
    1,901
    Likes Received:
    1,023
    Location:
    London, now Auckland
    I write in third person close, I don't use italics for thoughts as I consider them unnecessary (i.e. most of the prose is from the MC's POV so why would I pick some parts of their perception out and italicise them? It makes no sense). I do have an AI computer character who speaks in italics without speech marks, I would consider this similar to a voice in the character's head.
     
  2. GingerCoffee

    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2013
    Messages:
    18,385
    Likes Received:
    7,080
    Location:
    Ralph's side of the island.
    Since this thread is about voices in one's head, I'll quote where I answered this in the other thread and if we discuss it further maybe we should move this discussion to that thread.
    The point is, narration and direct thoughts are two different things, just as narration that includes repeating dialogue is different from narration which just describes what people talked about.

    I'm not suggesting you need to do the same, I'm just explaining a situation where one might consider it.
     
  3. Catrin Lewis

    Catrin Lewis Contributor Contributor Contest Winner 2023 Community Volunteer

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2014
    Messages:
    4,406
    Likes Received:
    4,755
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    @GuardianWynn, it appears you've chosen the method you want to use to convey the speech of a separate entity in the point of view character's head. Quotation marks with thought tags, if I understand you correctly?

    That's a start. But be sure to differentiate "Vivian's" voice from Valorie's in other ways.

    Where in her head does Valorie experience "Vivian"? Maybe she associates the voice with a pain or pressure or tingling in a particular place. So as a possible next line following on from your excerpt as submitted, you could say something like "A pressure like that of a punching fist was pushing at her skull from the inside, just above her ear." Since we know that's where "Vivian" has her seat, we'd know she's being attacked from inside as well as out, and that the inner assailant is "Vivian," without the mind-speech being attributed.

    And what tone does "Vivian" usually take? Demanding? Whiny? Insistent? Audacious? Insinuating? Or what? Make it different from Valorie's usual attitude, and we'll recognise the voice of Vivian.

    You wouldn't have to establish all this in the excerpt you gave us at the beginning of the thread. Do I remember correctly that that wasn't the first time she'd heard the voice? Then you would have been teaching your readers to recognise "Vivian" before this.

    BTW, I like the cry "No!" which does double service against the man with the knife and the importunate inner "Vivian."
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2015
    GuardianWynn likes this.
  4. GuardianWynn

    GuardianWynn Contributor Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2014
    Messages:
    2,392
    Likes Received:
    843
    You understand correctly.

    The way I see it is Vivian breaks through whenever they have a common goal. In this case survival.

    What tone? That is tricky. Vivian is angry. She is angry she has to break out. In a sense the body is both of theirs. I mean they both were born into it at the exact same time.

    This is the first time the audience has heard the voice. It is not the first time Valorie has heard the voice. That is what I meant with that.

    Thanks. :D
     
  5. Catrin Lewis

    Catrin Lewis Contributor Contributor Contest Winner 2023 Community Volunteer

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2014
    Messages:
    4,406
    Likes Received:
    4,755
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    OK, good. So do some foreshadowing, and make sure the audience/reader knows something weird is going on in Valorie's head before this, even if we don't know what. That way when this scene occurs they'll say, "Oh, gosh, is that what was going on!" And keep in mind that the phrase "Or let me out" needs to be set forth in a way to make it as unadorned, shocking-- and inevitable-- as you can.

    So to take your excerpt, I'd suggest something like:

    The man was surprised: for all his effort he simply could not bring it down on her. “You're pretty strong. It doesn't matter, though. You can't keep this up forever. I promise I'll settle it quick, just let it in.”
    “Or let me out.”
    A stranger's voice, angry, insistent, heard in the depths of her own mind.
    “No!” Valorie shouted at the top of her lungs. "No!"​

    Notice how I put "just let it in" at the end of the man's speech. IMO it makes a stronger contrast with "Or let me out."

    Just an idea.
     
    ChickenFreak and GuardianWynn like this.
  6. GuardianWynn

    GuardianWynn Contributor Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2014
    Messages:
    2,392
    Likes Received:
    843
    Why is the tag identifying the thought on a new line?

    Oh that is good. I like that. Thanks

    Not sure how to foreshadow a voice in head. lol. I mean. In this chapter I think I had her being polite, avoiding conflict she could win which would be out of a growing need not to get angry, though I wouldn't say that. I also see her hanging out alone. Not sure these count though.
     
  7. Catrin Lewis

    Catrin Lewis Contributor Contributor Contest Winner 2023 Community Volunteer

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2014
    Messages:
    4,406
    Likes Received:
    4,755
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    You're welcome.

    Why the tag on a new line? Deliberate ambiguity. The phrase can serve as a tag, yes. But it would also be Valorie's recognition that this thought is not her own. It marks her shocked reaction to the voice and what it says before she releases her tension in the scream.

    The white space after "let me out" makes the reader pause a split second. It's like a breath sucked in after the shock of what has been said.

    As for foreshadowing a voice in her head . . . you might show her shaking her head as if to clear it, or putting her hand to her head, or even hitting it with her palm, as if she's trying to knock something out of it. But don't give us her thoughts as to why she's doing these things.

    Or have some other character notice her doing it. As in,

    "Hey, Valorie, what's wrong? Why are you doing that?" It was Bevan, a guy in her class.
    "Doing what?"
    "Hitting yourself in the head like that."
    Oh, gosh. Now she was doing it in public. Right in front of Joe's Bar, too.
    "I wasn't . . . I . . . I was swatting a fly. In my hair. Yeah."
    "Well, don't kill yourself along with it. It looks totally crazy. . . . Bye, see you around." He turned away, down the street. Putting her hand to her head, she stared at his retreating form.
    Crazy. Is that what she was?
    She shook her head, but nothing could clear it. "Shut up! Shut up!" she cried silently.
    If only her mind could get less . . . crowded. "Crazy" would be a relief compared to that. "Crazy" she could understand.​


    If she's shy it might be really interesting to have "Vivian" be more forceful, especially if that sort of behavior scares her.

    This reminds me a lot of Jungian psychology, which teaches that all of us have a Shadow Self, which needs to be embraced.
     
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2015
    GuardianWynn likes this.
  8. KaTrian

    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2013
    Messages:
    6,764
    Likes Received:
    5,393
    Location:
    Funland
    It seems if you want to go with no italics, you have to denote with a beat or a tag that the thought-voice is talking. In the long run, it might get confusing if you don't do that, and repetitive if you always mention it. Of course if the voice has a distinct way of talking, it's a no-brainer, really, you might not even need tags. We'll know easily it's her talking, not the MC. Either way, I've seen novels without italics show thoughts and I've seen novels show dialogue without quotation marks, so it comes down to what works for your WIP. Write it and give it to beta-readers. They'll let you know if you confuse them. Also note that some people have the patience to e.g. read The Sound and the Fury without the color and font codes (there're only italics now, but there should've been more) that were supposed to be there to help the reader. Some people, like me, end up scratching their head and eventually just give up even trying to understand what happens and when (there's e.g. time-jumping within one paragraph). Similarly, some readers stay on board easily, while others may get frustrated and decide to read something else.

    Probably the best thing is to read a lot and keep an eye out on how others have pulled off thought-voices (The Host seemed like a good example) so you'll be able to execute it smoothly, and you'll also know what worked for you while you were the reader.
     
  9. tonguetied

    tonguetied Contributor Contributor

    Joined:
    May 23, 2014
    Messages:
    566
    Likes Received:
    231
    Location:
    Central Florida: land of fire and sand
    This would seem like a good way to handle multiple voices in one's head, not sure I could pull it off so I will probably avoid that type of scenario.
     
  10. KaTrian

    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2013
    Messages:
    6,764
    Likes Received:
    5,393
    Location:
    Funland
    I'm not sure how to do it either. I read one novel with a character who constantly confused French with his English. It wasn't so much the vocab as it was him using French idioms or mixing up similar words so his way of talking was quite off. Since I know some French, I got most of it. To someone else, he may have just talked weird. Either way, it really stood out.
     
    tonguetied likes this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice