The Not Happy Thread

@Lea`Brooks - maybe what you need to tell your husband is this: it's not about whether he understands. It's not about what he thinks. Sometimes, it's simply about how you feel - and sometimes how you feel is irrational, sure, but those emotions are nonetheless there and should be taken seriously. He doesn't need to get why - he just needs to support you. And by being more afraid of offending your roommate than concerned about your unhappiness - that reflects on his priorities. What you need isn't necessarily for him to talk to the roommate or to allow you to do so - what you probably need is to know he supports you, that how you feel matters to him, and he'll do anything in his power to put it right. The key lies in the fact that he would do whatever it takes to make you happy, even if you do not require it and he never actually has to do it.

As for children and moving out of Richmond - perhaps try to help him understand that you do not mean now. Again, I find it helps if you make sure that the other person knows you're not just gonna push your way through, that you've got them in mind and you get it. Perhaps tell him some of your dreams - what is it about moving out of Richmond, what is it about having children that makes you feel all warm like you wanna give it a go? What is it you see? Show him how wonderful it can be. Show him how important it is to you.

That's kinda how I approached it with my husband - we live in the Czech Republic (his country) whereas my home is England. I have this dream where I go for coffee with my sister and take our children to the park together, because my second nephew and my daughter will be only 5 months apart, and maybe they can be best friends. That my daughter would know my parents and be as close as my first nephew is currently with my mum, maybe get taken to have dim sum at the Chinese restaurant (you don't get dim sum in Prague and Chinese food here is awful). That's the dream, and I tell my husband about it. He knows why I wanna go back, and he can see it is valuable - it's not for something arbitary.

But my husband's terrified of change. He grew up in Prague and his whole family's in Prague, including a small brother he helped raise (he was 14 when the brother was born) and he's very attached to this brother. He's afraid of being a foreigner forever, and he's lived in the UK before for 6 years and was met with terrible xenophobia All in all, he doesn't like it there. The political correctness and tactfulness in the UK also throws him and he doens't understand it, because the Brits can often say one thing but mean another, whereas the Czechs are pretty straight.

So imagine his terror when I said I wanna move back to the UK

The way I did it was simply to state clearly - yeah, I will probably wanna move back one day, probably soon, but it doesn't have to be now. And it doesn't have to be forever. If he's unhappy, we'll come back to Prague. And he tells me how he's got these dreams too - of taking his kid through the woods he played in as a boy, telling her the history of the buildings around Prague as they gaze at the view of the city with the River Vltava running through it on a sunny day. He also wants to watch his little brother grow up, be a male model for him because their father works abroad and only comes home on the weekends. And these things are very important too - and I tell him, of course you'll show our child all of that. And if we went back to the UK, of course we'll visit Prague regularly, several times a year perhaps. As for his brother, I tell him I understand how precious he is to him, and my husband assures me that in the end, our marriage is more important to him.

And in return, he is preparing himself for the UK. We've decided for now that I will give birth in Prague and stay for a few more years - he's just about to sign for a new job here - but he is preparing himself mentally and emotionally. It's an open topic for us, and he's terrified, and that's okay, because in the end I'll do whatever it takes to see him happy - in truth I've already resigned myself to the strong possibility of staying here permenantly. (I've already applied for my permenant residency!) And when we speak about it, my husband tells me, "It's not a matter of 'if' but 'when' we move back to England."

And you know, that's why I'm okay. Because in the end, I know he'll also do whatever it takes to make me happy. And that makes it okay - that makes it okay even if we never move back to the UK, if that makes sense.

So I dunno - maybe talk with your husband. Sometimes it's not about whether he actually does anything but simply about you feeling supported and loved by him. And it honestly doesn't sound like you feel this way, like you know you're loved. And every woman (and every man) should know they're loved by their spouse. I think the healthiest marriages are probably the ones where you are always trying to put the other person's welfare and happiness above your own - and when you're thinking of what's best for him (perhaps that is to stay in Richmond forever) and he's thinking of what's best for you (perhaps moving to the mountains), somehow you'll find your balance, and sacrifices will come more easily, and more happily too.

But it's true that sometimes there're things where one person simply has to make the sacrifice. Say, in my case - how do you compromise, exactly, on which country to live? He's got family here and I've got family there. Someone's gotta give way. And much as it matters, what matters more is we have each other. That's what I remind him - as long as we have each other, we'll be fine. We'll pull through together.

My husband actually could have got a relocation to the UK through his current job (the one he's about to resign from) and I told him not to take it. Why? Because he's miserable in his job, and I was genuinely worried what being stuck in an already miserable job would do to him if he also has to be stuck in a country he never really wanted to be in in the first place. And he was genuinely considering taking it. Why? Because of me. In the end I told him don't be an idiot, decline the relocation. Yes, I wanna move back to England someday - but not at the expense of his wellbeing. We can move later, under our own terms and conditions that suit us.

So I guess my question would be, do you look after each other well? Does he know what you need, as opposed to what he thinks you need? (for example, he doesn't want you to face all the dramas of work - however, is that necessarily healthy for your emotional and mental health, and good for your personal development?) And vice versa too - do you know what it is he needs? What are you both doing to meet each other's specific needs? If he's not quite understanding why you feel the way you do - are you communicating in a way that he understands? For example, my own husband - if he snaps at me, I snap back. But the moment he falls quiet and I see the sadness on his face, my anger dies away and I listen. You understand your husband best - what does he respond to? Try and communicate accordingly. Do you know why staying in Richmond is so important to him? Do you know why having children terrifies him? It helps to ask so he has the space to tell you, even if you already know. Sometimes it just matters that the person feels heard.

As for your paranoia about him cheating on you - again, communication is probably key here. Is your husband aware of this? I understand he no longer has contact with her, but does he know you're feeling insecure? If he could reassure you, and you could perhaps laugh about it together, that could help you feel better.

And yeah, don't be afraid to laugh at yourself a little Don't take these things so seriously, big though they are. It's also good to let your husband know there's always a choice - he's not gonna be forced into anything he hates, you wouldn't do that to him - there's nothing to be afraid of, really. See if you can find suitable compromises.

And in the end, what matters to you? What matters to him? In the end, how important is X compared to your spouse and the marriage? These are good questions to ask, and if you want to stay in the marriage, then it is good to always juggle and re-juggle your priorities together, always making sure that first and foremost, your priority for both of you is to make this marriage work.

He's worth that much, right?

 

Thank you for this. It really helped me to see things a little differently, and I think that will truly help me in the future.

My husband does not understand me at all. lol He just doesn't get how someone can be as emotional as I am. So when we have these conversations, I tell him, yes, I'm emotional, but you knew that and you married me anyway, so you have to get used to it. lol He tries to rationalize everything. And he can't rationalize something he's never experienced before, like the things that upset me. He's getting better, even if it's a slow process.

I've gotten into the habit of saying "Support me" whenever I'm complaining and feel he isn't on my side. lol Like when our roommate does something that pisses me off, I'll make a face or some remark, and my husband will say something to defend our roommate. So I'll just say "Support me" and he'll back-peddle real quick. I know he wants to keep the peace, and trust me, so do I. I'm not a confrontational person, but I'm also not a Mary Sue. I have emotions, I have things that annoy me, and I always have and always will. And him expecting me to be so sweet and nonchalant and unaffected is what I think is causing me so much turmoil.

I'm tired of being nice all of the time. And him asking me to ignore my every instinct is very draining. I don't feel like my complaints are unreasonable either. I'm not going around screaming about how my roommate wears orange socks, and I hate orange socks, and if he doesn't stop wearing those damn orange socks, I'm going to throw a shoe at his face. No. I want him to clean up after himself, pay for the things he uses and eats, and get out of my damn business. lol I don't think those are unreasonable requests. But my husband is so against making waves that he just ignores it, and essentially ignores me and how I feel.

I've told him all this too. I feel like my feelings as a roommate don't matter. My feelings as a person don't matter. Because our roommate is happy. He doesn't have to clean or pay for shit. My husband is happy. The house is drama free. But I'm miserable, and does anyone care? Doesn't seem that way. I'm looking forward to the end of these five months. Not only because he's a terrible roommate, but because he's incredibly annoying as a human being. As I type this, he's sitting on the couch in my living room (he has his own), telling me to turn the TV on so he's not eating (my food) in silence. Bitch, I'm writing something and can't concentrate when the TV is on. Go to your own living room if you wanna watch something. Ugh.

Anyway.. lol

My husband knows I didn't mean now when I talked about children and moving. The only reason I brought up children was because he seemed so adamantly opposed to them, and I wanted to tell him they may be something I want someday before he got it stuck in his mind that it would never happen. He's still scared to even think about it. I think he fears his ability as a parent. Plus, he has a pretty nasty temper sometimes (I've only seen it maybe twice in our entire fifteen year relationship), and I think he's afraid he'll snap and do something awful. But I think a lot of people have that fear.

As for the moving... I'm starting to worry it'll never happen. I mean, truly never happen. The only reason I can think he wouldn't want to is because he's afraid to try new things. He never tries new food, never wants to do new activities or go to new places. He knows what he likes, and he doesn't want to stray from that. And moving would be a huge change for him. When we talked about it, he said maybe we could go when our cats die. We have four, and he doesn't want to drag them to a new city five hours away. But our cats are all under the age of five. Cats can live to be 15 or 20 years old. So if we waited until they died, I'd be forty by then. I don't want to move when I'm forty. I want to move when I'm young. The whole reason I want to move is that I want to do the things that people do in the mountains. I want to hike, and mountain bike, and go white water rafting. I want to meet cool, chill, down to earth people and go to a relaxed bar for drinks. Because I'm young. And the best time to try new things is when you're young. I'm not saying I can't do all those things when I'm forty, but I don't want to waste my young adult life rotting away in a city that I hate.

I worry about our future because of it. I would never do anything to take away from his happiness, but sometimes I feel he wouldn't do the same for me. He has no reason to stay here. I'm not just saying that to make my case look better. I mean it. I mean, I know he's afraid of change. In your husband's case, I can understand not wanting to leave his family. He's comfortable there. But my husband hates it here just as much as I do. He hates his family, the weather, this city. He complains about it all the time. One of the reason why he doesn't want children is because he doesn't want his family to try to butt in. He's a completely different person around his family because he dislikes them so much. You'd think moving away from them would be a blessing. So I can't understand why doesn't want to do it. I really don't understand, especially since he knows how important it is to me. He's miserable here. I'm miserable here. But he's going to make me to continue to be miserable because he's too afraid to move? I genuinely do not understand. And I don't know what our future holds if he refuses to change his mind someday. Maybe that makes me a terrible person, I don't know.

I thought that maybe there's just something broken in my brain that I need to fix. Yanno, since I'm a runner. Maybe I've just got to try to stop thinking the grass is greener on the other side. So I've been trying to make the best out of living here. I've been looking for a job or a volunteer opportunity. My husband just got a new job with a pay raise, so I'll be able to take a painting or a writing class this summer which I'm really looking forward to. Will that make me not want to move? I doubt it. I've wanted to live in the mountains since I was twelve, specifically Colorado. But I know my husband would never go that far. He doesn't like snow as much as I do. So I figured, the mountains in North Carolina are a good compromise. I still get my mountains, he still gets nice weather and is close to his home town. But it may never happen. And I honestly don't know if I can let go of it.

I feel like.. my husband telling me I can't live in the mountains is like someone telling me I can't be a published author. Sorry, it's never going to happen. I've broken up with people because of that. Before I wanted to be an author, I wanted to be a big-time Graphic Designer (it's what I want to college for -- writing started after college). So it was my dream, for seven years, to move to New York and work as a designer for a popular magazine. And my then boyfriend didn't support that. "If you go, I won't go with you." Dumped him. Sorry! But I'm not going to let anyone shit on my dreams.

Sigh... I'm done bitching. lol It doesn't do any good anyhow.

Thanks for all the advice, ladies. I'll truly take it to heart.

 

@Lea`Brooks - may I ask, why did you marry him in the first place? You've known your interests and where your hearts are are extremely different from the very start, and yet somehow you stuck together. Did you marry him because you genuinely believed you were suitable for each other, or simply because of a fear of change since you've been together for 15 years? (as I remember, you only got married quite recently, within about a year ago right?) I'm not trying to imply anything, but you yourself said your husband does not understand you at all. That's pretty alarming, at least to me, esp after 15 years together.

In any case, you did stick by him, and he stuck by you. Something kept you together. I'd try to rediscover what that might be. Sort of a little like falling in love all over again It's easy to forget sometimes why we fell in love, and I think it's good for us to remember from time to time.

One way out would be this - there's no reason why you can't have your mountains and stay married. However, it might mean you don't share the mountains with him. There must be societies and groups in a large city like Richmond who are interested in hiking and water-rafting and going on adventures. Is it possible for you to enjoy those things without your husband? You could go with a group of friends on those adventures like you want, while your husband stayed at home - perhaps he goes on the occasional trip with you but most of the time you'd go by yourself with your friends. Can you live with perhaps not actually living in the mountains but rather making regular trips there?

Do you spend any time together as a couple? Do you talk and laugh often together?

The thing is, his inability or perhaps unwillingness to support you is probably an issue that needs addressing. Even after the roommate is gone, this issue will remain and it remains that he's terrified of change, and it remains that you both still want different things. Perhaps it's time to ask your husband what is it he sees in his future, his dreams, his passions, and how does it fit in with yours? Maybe build an entirely different dream together. Ask him what he's so afraid of. You say he likes to rationalise everything - well, try rationalising his fear. Maybe he'll start to realise he has little to fear and start seeing things differently.

It sounds like your husband wants to work on this with you, which is good. If talking to him doesn't help, I'd advise perhaps looking at marriage counselling. As long as you love each other, things can be worked out, but it sounds like perhaps a little bit of professional advice can't hurt.

ETA: your husband doesn't strike me as someone who communicates all that much. Does he tell you how he feels and what he's thinking usually? It might be wise to consider perhaps he's just as frustrated with you as you are with him, and to listen to his side and consider why. If he's the kind of guy who communicates in order to avoid drama - and you're very emotional - I am guessing he might be afraid to tell you how he really feels, any dissatisfaction he might have with you. No one's always perfectly happy with their spouse - so does your husband communicate these things with you? Because if he doesn't (either by being overly aggreeable or being silent, or some other way - but either way, not expressing his needs), that could be another red flag to watch out for. Just because everything's peaceful/quiet doesn't mean he's happy. There may well be things you need to work on that would put him at ease and make him happier. It's all about adapting to one another, but you can't adapt to his needs if you don't know what they are, and he might not feel like he can tell you the truth of what he needs if he suspects you would dramatise it or overreact. (I'm not saying you are a drama queen necessarily, but from his perspective you would be overreacting, and that's drama, and he's afraid of drama)

 

I feel so social awkward sometimes I think I just a burden to everyone I try and talk to and wonder if I should just give up and never talk to anyone ever again.

 

When I saw a poster, in my local library, asking if anyone was interested in getting together for Nanowrimo, I registered an interest. No one got in touch, so i assumed there wasn't enough interest. About a month ago, when I accessed my library online there was a note about a writing group that meet every Tuesday at 5pm.
I went round bang on 5pm - it meets alternate Tuesdays. I was pointed to the lady who organised it - oh we've had a club since November she said - it started for Nano. They took my contact details for a second time.
By Saturday, I had heard nothing, so i went to the library again, spoke to someone else and left my details for the third time.
Still nothing. So I've given in on that idea. I must be instantly forgettable. I'll stick to online groups.

 

Wow. Sorry to hear that. I have had that kind of luck before. Have you tried NaNoWriMo before?

Then again in my case I was referring to the internet too. Like I should just give up on life itself sometimes.

 

Aaaah - your case is much more serious then.

I've done Nano a couple of time but only online. No writer's group. Not too sure about a group - I suspect most would not write what I write and then I'd stay quiet and be bored in meetings.
I wouldn't recommend giving up on life but then I haven't tried it.

 

My case comes and goes. lol

So did you win? I didn't know what NaNoWriMo was one year ago. So I tried the concept of it this last april just to see how I measured up.

I think a group is more moral support then actually helping you achieve the goal by direct help.

 

Pull yourselves together man. 'I should give up on life itself. . .'
Have you suffered any real turmoil, persecution, illness, war, famine or abuse in your life?
If the answer to any of the above is yes, you have my condolences, if not. . .

 

Won the 1st time. Winning didn't bother me the 2nd. Used Nano to drive me on a little but I'm not into setting silly word targets.
You're averaging nearly 100 posts a month, so you're doing ok here.

 

Yes because personal emotional issues must reach a objective standard of suffering to be valid?

Personally the level of suffering I went through in my life is probably not at such a standard if such a standard exist. I also don't believe I will do that but. Well I have stood on top of a building looking down before. So I dunno maybe it is just luck that I am here to reply to this message.

Wait huh?
What do you mean by 100 post a month? I mean I get you are referring to my post count right? Just not sure what that has to do with anything?

 

Sharing an interest or chatting - 675 times is getting over awkwardness or putting up with it an getting on.

 

Lol. Wait my post count isn't that high.

Also problem comes and goes. Truth be told I haven't felt it in a while. Like years. And it is how active I been here that has caused it. Well helped cause it. I felt like many of my replies were more bothersome then helpful and that this place would be brighter without me which then caused me to reflect on how pretty much the same thing is true about everyone that knows me. I am too talkative for my own good and-- sad.

I probably be okay. Being a social awkward failure is at least something I am.... used familiar with. lol.

 

If I feel any contribution I have made was useless I usually leave it for a day or 2, till something else grabs my interest. Don't dwell on the perception something was bothersome or poor in any way. Shrug it off and move on - like me with the library group. These forums aren't popularity competitions. They have served a purpose if they get you thinking.

 

Here's something you and many others need to understand. When you leave a social interaction feeling like you somehow failed, more likely than not, you are suffering from some internal problem. Either the person you parted ways with is analyzing himself just like you are, or, he isn't thinking about you at all. Either way, your interaction was probably fine. Do you know how you can know this is a fact? Try interacting with that person again. The interaction will be the same. Now, if your interaction was really so bad, that person wouldn't be interested in interacting with you again.

The truth is, most people are only decent at social interactions. It's a skill just like anything else. Lots of people play basketball for fun because they like it. That doesn't make them professional. It doesn't make them trained. Just because you don't like to play basketball, and or don't think you're good at basketball, doesn't mean that if you joined in on an amateur game, you would do horribly. It's the same with social interactions.

 

What good do you think saying "Get over yourself" does? All it does is insert condescension into your argument with the purposeful effect of dismissing their feelings. Who are you to tell a person that their feeling are "incorrect?"

Instead, you should acknowledge and validate their feelings and then rationally point out where their perceptions of others' thoughts and feelings are incorrect. Your prior two paragraphs attempt to do this, and they would be better served without that final line.

 

Ben I'm surprised. Nothing in that post was meant to be condescending at all (but now that you made it so, I'm deleting that last line). If any post here smells of condescension, I'd say it's yours, which dismisses my rock solid advice as mere "attempts," after first demonizing my innocent, if cliche and sloppily inserted, final message.

 

I didn't mean your first two paragraphs failed in their attempt; in fact, I acknowledge that they are trying to do what I agreed should be attempted in my prior sentence. I only meant that the final line subtracted from the preceding paragraphs.

Merriam-Webster defines condescension as "an attitude of patronizing superiority." I agree that my comment had a superior attitude, but I'm not sure if it's patronizing. It very well might be depending on the definition. If so, I think it's justified because of what was said.

As to the condescension in your post, I don't know how else to read "Get over yourself." I can only read it as saying "Get over yourself [because your feelings on this issue are not warranted and wrong]." As long as someone is actually feeling a feeling, it's not wrong. So to tell someone their own feelings are wrong, I read that as misplaced patronizing superiority.

 

Logical responses but the thing is. Logical responses to an emotional issue.

I love and live for logic but emotions play on a completely different set of rules. Well more or less. I would argue that there is logic to emotions but that logic still is different than standard logic I think. Which makes the standard logic you give not worth much sorry to say but then again it didn't have to be. I didn't post in here seeking random people to give me solutions to a problem. I just saw other people expressing themselves and decided to do the same.

 

Went out by myself to watch a few free artist performances. One guy sang about how he drove away the people in his life, how lonely he is, and how he can just die at 25. Whelp. That didn't help my mood.

 

I'm just unhappy. My best friend, and someone I care deeply about, he isn't allowed to talk to me. I totally disagree how people are handling this. But I can't just voice my opinion. It's hard to always tell what he is thinking.

 

Isn't allowed to talk to you? That sounds terrible. Sorry to hear that!

 

@KaTrian

Yeah... What annoys me is we are both adults. Thanks though! It's hard and I don't understand some people.

 

But if he's an adult, who's stopping him? A jealous girlfriend? I mean, I get it that, like, kids aren't allowed to eat candy every day 'cause that's going to ruin their teeth, but with adults, that sounds slightly scary.

 

Well, he still lives at home. So it's his parents who don't want him communicating with me. It does seem slightly scary. When he told me, I thought at first it was because he didn't want to talk with me. But that isn't the case. I just don't understand!