Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

...Right. lol

 

There are some nice little practices you can do with writing. One I like is dialoging out my "parts." My helpless part says "there's no point in trying to meditate, I can't do anything right," etc. My aggressive/judgmental part says "you're such a weak, pathetic idiot, thinking all that shit" (in response to the helpless part. You get the idea. Mapping these out sometimes I find a part that emerges, in DBT we'd call it wise mind. The part with the most executive power, noticing all the chaos and conflict within the parts. Kinda fun. And exhausting. Okay have to prep for seeing clients now. :/

 

I might be more suited to a mental health forum. Or even mental health accommodation. I've had writers' block now for 58 years! But writers block is such a cliché isn't it. More like moaners block. Lazy as sin. I can't blame lack of a finished product on my mental state. Poetry is better. Less words and no plot to worry about. I've lost the plot!Yeah poetry's the go.

 

That's a great idea! I'll have to try it.

 

@Lea`Brooks I really enjoy your posts. I'd be really pleased if I logged on and saw I had a critique or feedback from you. And I'm not just saying that!

I don't do deep breathing enough. You're inspired me to start doing it in the roadworks on my morning commute, which is usually when my stress levels begin to rise. Thank you.

"Tortured writer" is also a cliché but it's produced some great works of fiction, and poetry.

 

Well I've definitely got something wrong with me. I did something incredibly irresponsible and stupid.
My life feels meaningless and I hate my line and work and can't change. The world is totally screwed up and all ideals and beliefs I once had are gone.

Not taking any psych drugs though, and I wouldn't know how to go about getting them....

How did you get yours (in the UK)? What do you say to the doctor?
I just want a happy pill that can make me feel more positive about things.
The last thing I want to do is go to a shrink and start digging up my carefully buried childhood skeletons.

 

After reading all the comments in this thread, I am somewhat reluctant to post my issues here, since none of them seem to be (or been) as bad as any mental and physical struggles you all seem to be facing on a daily basis. Still, I feel like I should get this off of my shoulders.

Ever since I was young, I have felt somewhat "different". First and foremost; I have never been diagnosed with any disorders whatsoever. Mainly because, well, I never felt like heading over to some institution that would label me as such, and my mother never dragged me into any when I was younger and it was obvious that something wasn't completely right.

Looking back at the past however I can see that my issues when growing up where definitely psychological in nature, and that some of them have never been resolved. My father died when I was young (12), and in the next ten years I grew increasingly introverted, up to the point where I was anti-social and often used various means of escapism from daily worries. This started off quite innocent, with music, video games etc. but later developed into more serious things like drugs,mischief, and petty crime. This escapism pretty much clouded my vision of the underlying issues; my anxiety about facing daily life, about seeing people, the never truly having faced and tried to process past bad experiences, and my constant urge to wall myself off from all outside of my personal "dome". Ever living in the moment, there were no plans of any future I envisioned. Tomorrow did not exist for all I cared.

Then, there came a time when I was faced (luckily) with some very strict but inspirational persons. I was living in Greece at that time, and suddenly found myself in a society that never shows weakness on the outside. There was no place for it, and disgrace pretty much fell upon any whom showed it to ones peers. Many negative things can be said about this mentality, but for me, it taught me to suck it up and fight through it all. It taught me how to fight through the struggle.It helped me grow both mentally and physically through working out and pretty much being re-routed mentally. That being said, it still did not resolve any underlying issues I was struggling with.

I am now 28 years old, and have gained a lot of knowledge of myself. This helps a lot. I know what my pitfalls are. I constantly have to be aware of not retreating into my own mental "nest". I am very weak towards addiction of any substance, and once I notice I am taking a liking to whatever, total abstinence is required. Alcohol is a problem. Marijuana has been for 12 years straight (I used to smoke about 5 joints every day, quit it a bit more than 2 years ago). I smoke heavily and am a major caffeine-craver. One gust of wind carrying weed-scent on it sends my brain into a storm of doubt and I have to force myself to just keep going straight forward and not to give in.

When I look at checklists describing ADD (Attention Deficit Dissorder), I can put V's on 48 out of 50 points of symptons. I know I have it, although I've never been diagnosed. It used to be worse in the past, as I now know how to cope with it fairly well, but it has led to depression and anxiety a lot, and still does sometimes. Perhaps it's not just the ADD, but just who I am. At the moment, I feel I have pretty muched forced myself into not letting it influence my social and professional life, but inside I know I am still a bit odd

Pff..quite a rant this is, hope you guys can forgive me It's not often one gets a chance to just spew it out though, so I just had to.

 

Trust me, that's what this thread is for. I hope a mod stickies this. I'm looking at you, @Wreybies and other mods here.

Over the last few months, I've noticed something about myself: I'm stoic. I see myself as this stoic badass that can get shit done. I don't cry, I don't whine. I take a deep breath and just get this shit done. My role models from childhood were Goku and Link, stoic, tough guys who got shit done.

As a consequence, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of telling others (IRL others) my problems out of some perceived fear that they'll think me weak. I mean, would you ever imagine Goku sitting Krillin and the others down and saying, “Guys? I'm battling a psychological problem”? No! He'd turn Super Saiyan and kick the shit out of that problem!! How do you think Krillin would act if Goku did tell him that? Piccolo? Gohan? Could you imagine Link telling Zelda his psychological problems?

Honestly, what do you think Krillin, Gohan, or Piccolo would say to Goku if he told them that? What would Zelda say to Link?

But in reality, maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm not as stoic as I thought I was. Maybe I'm...weak. I'm not the strong badass, the tough guy. That scares me. I'm not as tough as I thought I was.

It's served me well, but at the same time I wonder if it's hurting me. I treat it by ignoring it, by utilizing my greatest strength and acting like it's not there. But it's when I've had a drink or two and think about it, really think about it and come to realize that maybe... I'm not as strong as I think I am.

I'm afraid of talking about it IRL because whether they know it or not, I see myself as basically their Goku. While I can't fly, shoot energy beams out of my hands or obtain astronomical power by screaming bloody murder, I'm basically their Goku. This stoic badass that's determined to see things through, the Rock of Gibraltar, the Man With No Fear™.

...Yet I'm not. I've got some issues. I'm afraid that one day, one of these days, maybe decades into the future...I might actually allow myself to drink myself into oblivion. Literally. Even though my stoicism and my natural instincts tell me otherwise, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of looking weak.I've got weaknesses I'm afraid of sharing. In turn, I guess the anxiety builds and builds and I put more and more covering on it, but I'm worried that... I dunno.

Y'see what I'm saying? I want to be able to talk to people without the use of beer, otherwise the internal problems are just going to build and build until one day I decide to binge off a six pack and that's it.

 

Took the words out of my mouth! That's where my "I am not weak" mantra came from. I feel so weak, in every way. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I feel like I'm not strong enough, not smart enough, not... powerful enough to handle anything.

I try to be strong, to pretend that things don't bother me. Because when I show my emotions, I too feel weak. But I also feel judged. I feel like people think I'm doing it for attention, that I don't actually struggle. That I'm just selfish looking for someone to pat me on the back.

So I don't talk about it. I think about it, especially when I'm alone. But I don't talk. And then it festers. I push myself harder than I should, ignore things that I shouldn't, because I'm strong, dammit, and I can handle anything. I'll take people's mistreatment and act like it doesn't bother me. I'll lift more than I can carry and ignore any offers for help. I'll pretend I know what that word means and change the subject so you don't ask questions.

I realize it isn't healthy. But what do you do? How do you push back that irrational fear of judgment? I don't talk about it too much with my husband. I know he loves me and would support me no matter what. But he's accused me of complaining too much, and something like that really sticks with you. I don't even really talk about it with my therapist because she doesn't help me. Don't get me wrong, she's a great therapist. When I'm in a pickle, she gives me wonderful advice. But further than that? Really getting into my psychological struggles? Not so much. I've been thinking about finding a psychiatrist, get some meds, get some real deep brain therapy. But I haven't committed. I got so lucky to find a therapist I really connect with, and I'm afraid it'll take a long time to find another connection like that.

But what can you do? You drink. I cry. lol

 

I know, and the funny thing is, I know I shouldn't drink too much. I know that if I let myself, I could drink up to three beers per day. While that isn't exactly to the level of alcoholism that most people think, but it is a lot to me. I feel bad for drinking too much, or if I play video games, I feel like a deadbeat loser, like one of those stereotypical fat, cheetos-eating kids who spend all their days playing World of Warcraft rather than doing something productive.

I guess I've slowly come to the realization that all that's just my anxiety, that I have full control over it, even when it seems like I don't. Maybe that's why, recently, protagonists such as John Marston from Red Dead Redemption and Joel from The Last of Us spoke to me: they showed me that even the most cynical person can still find something to keep going, something to keep themselves from falling over themselves in their own despair/anxiety. There were so many moments in those games where I wondered why they didn't just throw their hands up and say, “I quit!”; why they kept going.

I guess...you don't have to be a badass, you just have to know your limits and when you find yourself there, just try to fight through it one way or another. Sometimes you need to talk to someone. We can't fight our battles by ourselves all the time. Even Gohan needed a little help beating Cell during his big arc in Dragonball Z.

But Christ, it's hard. It's like your own brain is trying to fuck you sideways from the Potomac to the Rhine, to Timbuktu and back.

 

I'm going to be totally destructive this weekend. I'm driving to Knoxville tomorrow to buy some new clothes and shoes, then going out to eat and drink at some fun restaurant, then going to waste some money at a strip club. I'm going to be a pig and enjoy it.

 

@arkadia

Not to put a downer on things, but there is no such thing as a 'happy pill'. Each psych med comes with pros and cons. ( For example, you might stop sweating the small stuff but have absolutely no energy.) In the U.K. the usual route is to go and see your G.P. Be open and honest about your mental state, and he/she will make a referral to a psych clinic where your condition will be assessed. I get the impression you have visions of yourself on the couch. In my experience, that couldn't be further from the truth. It can take time to get an appointment, and longer still to set up specific therapy sessions, many of which are not one-to-one, but rather group in nature. CBT, (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) might be something you could look into. It deals with how you presently think, rather than dredging up the past, and aims to break your problems down into smaller, manageable components. Often, our own negativity makes mountains out of molehills. CBT aims to redress the balance by using positives to bolster self-image and problem solve. It never ceases to amaze me how listening to others messed up thought processes puts my own into some kind of perspective.

 

Not sure where else to vent, but this seems to be as good a place as any. I've been quite vocal about the fact my writing has ground to a halt this past year, so much so that I haven't even opened Scriviner in months, or so I thought.

I accidentally hit on the icon on my task bar this morning and ended up perusing the folders. I found several opening paragraphs of what I assume were meant to be short stories. I'm saying "I assume" because I have absolutely no memory of writing them. None whatsoever. And get this... one has potential. I haven't thought that of anything I've attempted to write in such a long time. How is this even possible?

Anyone else ever done this?

 

I went to my GP and said I'd become increasingly anxious and it was affecting my life (the tipping point was when I spent a morning at work crying in the toilets). He asked me a handful of questions like what did I worry about, had my friends and family noticed, was there anything in particular that set it off... then he said he'd refer me for therapy and did I want to try citalopram in the meantime, because it could take months to get therapy set up. It took about 5 minutes all in all.

The therapy was a disaster - for a start they only offer telephone appointments in my area, and talking on the phone is one of my biggest anxiety triggers. So next time I saw him I said I was happy on the pills and didn't want therapy. I've been on them about 3 years now.

Citalopram doesn't make me think more positively but, except for the odd bad day, it makes my anxiety much more proportional. I no longer drive home every day thinking about all the things I said to people and worrying which of them could be construed as rude, mean or weird.

I had a friend in university who stopped taking it because it made her stop caring about anything. Like she didn't give a crap whether she passed or failed her degree. My best friend stopped taking it because it made her feel spaced out (this went away for me after the first few weeks). It's not for everyone.

 

ADHD is at least as bad as depression, and even harder to complain about socially. It resembles a mild, persistent concussion, with a course that can run for decades or forever, but it looks too much like a personality problem for many people to particularly care. I can trace a laundry list of strange traits back to being autistic, only a few of which are positive, but the organizational and energy-related problems are handily worse than any of the others. They create an endless conflict between guilt and biology, one that I can avoid only by treating life like a computer game.

 

Hello friends! I was thinking about something last night, and I wanted to get it out. And if you, in any way, know what this is or have experienced it and can tell me wtf is wrong with me, I'd truly appreciate it.

I suffer pretty regularly from, what I call, "brain freeze." Now don't get it twisted -- this isn't the same as eating ice cream too fast. When you're playing on a computer, do you ever try to open a program or play a game and the whole screen just locks up and you can't click anything, can't access anything, just get that awful (Not Responding) error? Yeah. My brain freeze is like that.

There are a few subjects I can't talk about or even think about before my brain locks me out. (Keep in mind, this post may turn very disjointed because I can already feel the brain freeze coming on... going to be hard to fight through that, because I normally don't!) Space, the ocean, and the human body are just a handful of those things. Any time I think about the vastness of space... How we're just tiny specks living on a tiny speck floating in a sea of other tiny specks.... Or any time I think about how much of our planet is covered in water and how little we know about much of it... Or how our bodies are so complex, our brains harbor memories of everything we've ever experienced, our organs know exactly how to function....

Any time I think about any of those things, my brain literally feels like it's going to jam. I start to get a headache, then I feel this vast... almost emptiness in my head, like if I keep thinking about it, my brain is just going to drain of all information and I'll never be able to access it ever again. It'll just be this clump of mush in my head that is essentially useless. I'd never walk, talk, think, move, or do anything again. Because my brain would literally be dead.

It's really debilitating sometimes. I don't like to fly because of it. Not only does my anxiety make me think the plane is going to explode in midair, but my brain freeze makes me feel like I'm going to have a panic attack at any moment. I have to sit in the window on an airplane, because, on top of anxiety, I have motion sickness and vertigo problems. If I can't look out the window when the plane starts to turn, my equilibrium will get thrown off and I'll get nauseous. I always have to be able to see the ground to orient myself. But at the same time, any time I see the ground, I'm reminded that I'm thousands of feet in the air. And then my brain freeze comes on. I have to quickly quash it before I panic.

That's typically what I do. I just ignore it. But sometimes it can be really hard. Because when I say "brain freeze," I mean it literally. I can barely form a thought once it starts. It's almost like an endless pool of blackness. Like I'm reaching into dark water to try to grab a stone at the bottom, but I can't see it or feel it, so I'm just flailing around, searching for anything to grab on to. I essentially have to empty my mind (which fortunately I know how to do after years of meditation), focus on the nearest object to me, and let my brain naturally reboot. Eventually I'll start to form thoughts again. "Man, that plant is ugly."

This doesn't occur every day. Maybe not even every week. I know what some of my triggers are, so I try to avoid them. And when I watch movies dealing with space or the ocean, I just imagine it's a fantasy. It's fake. Gravity didn't happen in Earth's orbit. It happened in an imaginary place that doesn't actually exist. The Martian didn't happen on a real planet. It's fake, created only for the sake of the movie. There is no atmosphere outside of Earth. There are no other planets. There's just Earth and the moon, which is only a few hundred feet away, you know. (Note: I know both Gravity and The Martian were filmed on sets, not actually in space or on Mars. )

And I can talk about space and the ocean without getting into detail. I know space is there. Just saying "space" or "ocean" or "brain" doesn't freak me out. It's when I think about them, really think about them, that the problem starts.

Not many people know about this. My husband does, because if I'm going to be around him all the time, he needs to know my triggers. I don't think he understands the depth of the problem (and I'm not even sure I laid it out here very well), but he knows I don't like to talk about certain subjects. But other people? It's very hard to explain. How do I tell someone that thinking about certain things causes my brain to stop and have them take me seriously? When I have told people, they think I'm kidding. Over-exaggerating. I'm not. My brain literally stops. They just don't understand. So now I just tell people I have a phobia of my triggers. It makes me look childish ("She's afraid of outer space?") but I'd rather look childish than not be taken seriously, I suppose.

I want to go to the doctor about this. I feel like there has to be something I can do to make it stop. Some medicine I can take. But how can I talk to a doctor when I don't even know what it is? I can barely explain it in short sentences, so how can I make someone else understand?


Sigh... I'm broken.

ETA: I should add that this is a relatively new issue. I took an astronomy course in college (maybe seven or eight years ago) and I never suffered from brain freeze. Can't pinpoint exactly when it started, but it's been at least a couple years. I should also add, I wanted to be an oceanographer when I was a kid. I loved the ocean and wanted to know everything about it. Now I can barely watch Planet Earth or Blue Planet without getting freaked out. And it truly sucks. Because I love to learn.

 

Damn. Sounds like a neurological disorder... Am I correct in assuming that you just sort of 'space out' for a bit? Like you're conscious, but your brain has basically unplugged itself from the wall outlet that is your body?

https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=brain+spacing+out
Here's what I found about spacing out.

https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=overwhelmed+brain+shuts+down
and
https://www.google.com/search?biw=1366&bih=673&q=my+brain+shuts+down&revid=1785071738&sa=X&sqi=2&ved=0ahUKEwjbm_-b_urKAhVFXD4KHewRBGAQ1QIIbSgD

https://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=spacing+out+a+lot

I also found these links. Hope they'll be of use.

I don't mean to diagnose because I'm no doctor at all. The two things that jumped at me were 'dissociative disorder' or a type of seizure where you basically just shut down and stare off into space for a few seconds. Again, not a doctor, and I don't know of this is what's doing it.

 

I definitely know the feeling of brain freeze, but I don't have triggers per se. It happens when my brain is generally overloaded and brings me to a screeching halt no matter how familiar the task I'm performing. It gets a bit embarrassing sometimes as it can happen in mid conversation, and no matter how much I try to mentally back-peddle, those affected thoughts are lost to me. It happens more often than I'd like.

I've learned to live with it, even found humour in it, and my Bi Polar meds ably take the edge of the panic that sometimes accompanies it.

You've explained the situation well enough to us... why not do the same for your doc, writing it out if you need to. I've had to do that in the past and I think it sunk in better than me making a poor attempt to explain what was going on. (And getting myself worked up in the process.)

EDIT: And while I remember...you're not broken, just a bit cracked, as we all are in our own way.

 

Thanks guys!

@Link the Writer Yes, it very much feels like I've come unplugged. lol I particularly connected with the "overwhelmed brain stops working" search. Once it's put into those words, it kind of makes more sense to me. Like the information is so intense that my brain can't hold it all and shuts itself off before it overloads... if that makes sense.

I posted something similar to this on another website (looking for additional feedback) and others are saying disassociation as well. But it just doesn't.... feel like disassociation, you know? In most of those cases, the brain shuts down because it doesn't want to remember trauma. I'm not traumatized by space and the ocean... I just can't think about them. lol But what do I know? Maybe disassociation doesn't mean it's triggered by what I'm talking about. It just happens. I have no idea.

@obsidian_cicatrix I used to have it happen without triggers, but that was a while ago. It could last for a day or more. I could barely talk because I couldn't form thoughts. I couldn't focus. It wasn't fun. I haven't had one of those episodes in a while, now it's just this. I was hoping it was just an anxiety thing. lol I could just take meds for it and it would go away and all would be well again. But from my research, that hasn't happened to anyway. But they did agree it took the edge off. I'd like to have just that -- just something to keep me from panicking when it happens. Because it's scary! It's hard to describe how scary it is to feel like your brain is shorting out. Kind of need my brain... Don't want it to go on the fritz... Not an easy organ to replace, yanno.

That's a good idea to write it down. Hell, I may even print this page out and show it. Maybe that'll help. I've just been so nervous to talk to someone, because it feels like a non-issue. Like a doctor would see it and think, "It's nothing. Move along." And I really don't want to be made to feel like I'm making it up or causing it myself or something.


Thanks for the support. I feel much better about the problem now. lol

 

I normally get "brain freeze" when a woman first takes off her bra, but we probably don't have the same problem.

 

<takes my sexy ginger female character and has her pose nude for your viewing pleasure>

 

I was going to suggest you google disassociation and see what you thought. It doesn't ALWAYS happen because of a trauma trigger, I know, from my best friend who experiences it. But I don't get it myself so I'm not much help.

 

Ohh...weird coincidence. I just finished a pic of a topless red head this morning. For real. Thank goodness I'm compos mentis right now, or goodness knows what delusion I might have spun outta that. It would have probably gone something like:

"Hey guys....guess what? I can paint the future."

Ahhhh...you gotta laugh.

 

I think you should post that to the picture thread!

 

I don't wanna do that....pm?