i am attempting to write a story but i am not sure if my background fiction is solid, would appreciate any ideas or constructive criticism, be warned though, this is a two page history for the current story, here it goes: History 800 years ago shortly after the present day, as overpopulation and unrest mounted on Earth, a number of new political organizations were formed, including the Ascendant and the Dominion cult, who later became bitter rivals. These organizations lead the race to humanity's discovery of terraformation, by funding and encouraging technological progression in this field. In the end Russia was the first to discover it, under the auspices and funding of the Ascendant. The new technology was launched into the space, with the terraforming gear aboard, to spearhead the colonization of new worlds, under the command of the Ascendant organization, who funded the project. The launching of the vessels sparked the first wave of human expansion beyond the confines of Earth, founding the first colonies on Mars, the Moon, Venus, and Mercury. In later years they terraformed planet and moons, and expanded their civilization beyond Earth and throughout much of the solar system. Many worlds were colonized thanks to the development of transformation, the discovery, had ignited a prosperous time of technology and exploration for Humans, known as the Expanse. During the expansion however the discovery of mysterious and ancient technology in the asteroid belt, proved to be our ultimate downfall. Tensions between the colonies were initially due to the race for the valuable technology in the asteroid belt. As colonies became distrustful of each others growing power, tensions escalated between them, and it lead to civil war. During the war however, accidental reactivation of an alien artifact known as the Black Stone resulted in the arrival of an alien robot race known as the Perverted. Who waged a campaign of destruction against our civilization nearly driving us to extinction. The archive where humans had kept their research and knowledge from the Expanse, was lost. History 2 The Expanse had lasted for less than two centuries, before human civilization, fell victim to an event of cataclysmic proportions. The technology that had been acquired from the asteroid belt had been the cause for the civil war as each colony strove for control over it. However after the Martian colony had accidentally activated a device from the belt during the war, resulting in Perverted appearing on Jupiter from an unknown location by way of a warp gate that allowed them to instantly enter our solar system. This alien species waged a campaign of destruction against civilization. Few managed to survive the onslaught. Forced to withdraw to Earth, mankind's home world, the remnants of humanity who survived united under the guidance of the Ascendant, who were still present on the planet, to build the Haven, establishing the last bastion of civilization in the solar system. The Ascendant also established a protective shield over the city using old human technology, temporarily shielding them from the enemies who loomed in the skies. ( eventually the Perverted seeded parts of Earth and had begun to encroach on the haven, sending raids in an attempt to find a weakness in the Haven's defenses.) The Haven has come under attack throughout the years, Perverted raids probing its defenses for weaknesses. You are one of an army of warriors known as Defenders that call the Haven home, individuals that have been created to take a stand to reclaim what we lost. though the enemy may posses superior technology and numbers proving decisive advantages, you posses the weapons and secrets to turn the tide of battle in humanity's favor. well what do you guys think, also i am an amateur, so please don't get me wrong i'm not trying to get someone to do my work, just need your guys professional and experienced views and ideas, thanks!
TL,DNR it all. I think the two paragraphs of text are a whole lot of information, much of which probably doesn't even need to be in your story. Important perhaps for the back story so you can keep it all in place as you write but you certainly don't want to info dump all of that in a book as written. I think it would be far more manageable written as more of an outline/timeline for reference. Easier to read and understand. As I quickly became bored reading the first paragraph I will only loosely paraphrase as an example: 1. Two parties emerge, the Ascendent and Dominion. 2. Terraformation is discovered in Russia by the Ascendents. 3. Multiple planets are settled during the period known as The Expanse. 4. The colonies eventually enter into war with each other over a technology battle. 5. During the war the Perverted alien robot race, once dormant, is reactivated. And so on. These are the facts of your story and it is up to you to weave them into the narrative and not just dump them on the pages in a long diatribe. Is that what you were asking?
well sort of i mean like you said, the pages were not meant to be in the actual story, at least not now, but it was more as a reference, but i wanted to know if it had logical fiction behind it, also you said you got bored reading the first page, what was boring about it? honestly because that is a major concern if is boring, i mean how can i make it interesting? thanks for your time
The use of second person makes this read like an opening cutscene in a game. If your history is going to presented like that, opening crawl style, it's very blocky and hard to get through because it's all tell and the language used isn't very engaging. If this is just something you wrote up to explain your project's backstory, it's fine. It's a serviceable sci-fi set-up, shades of Mass Effect and Space Odyssey, but how good it is is all in how you write it. I like your use of different sects of humans and the robot aliens sound like they have potential. You have some decent bones to work off of.
Make the history more interesting or the way it's written? The history itself is fine, and if you don't plan on including what you've posted word for word, it's fine as well. A lot of the reference material I've written for myself is absolutely terrible because all it has to do is remind me of what's going on and no one else ever needs to see it, hahah.
well in terms of how it was written, what is boring, i mean is it not enough detail or is it not focused, that kind of thing
All right, well, part of the issue is that it's in two massive paragraphs. Breaking it down a bit more would do a lot for its readability. I'd try to break it into one para per approximate 'era' - one to set up the state of 800-years-ago Earth with your rival humans funding the terraforming research, one to talk about the Expanse, one to introduce the Perverted, one about the retreat back to Earth, whatever. The general style is just very dry and tell-y, like I said - 'this happened, then this happened, which caused this to happen'. It's like a weird prologue or overly-long blurb to set up a story. It's not a narrative, it's an explanation, and before you explain something to a reader you need them to care about. This sort of format doesn't engender caring, which isn't strictly a failing of your writing, just not what this type of writing is good at. If you want to make this backstory interesting, my suggestion would be to imagine a character telling the story of and putting their own voice into it. That helped me, anyway. It'd inject some humanity into it.
also does any one have any other ideas, possible plot points, enemy factions, or even ideas i should scrap? thanks
okay this is the format, i will work on the speech part later 800 years ago shortly after present day, as overpopulation and unrest mounted on Earth, two new political parties emerge, the Ascendant, and the Dominion. These two organizations rose up to the issues at hand, funding research for terraformation and interplanetary colonization. Russia was the first to discover this technology, under the Auspices of the Ascendant, who swiftly sent it into space. Igniting a prosperous time of technological advancement and exploration for Humanity, known as the Expanse. With this technology humans expanded beyond the confines of Earth, founding the first colonies on Mars, the Moon, Venus, and Mercury. They terraformed planet and moons, and expanded their civilization beyond Earth and throughout much of the solar system. However the discovery of mysterious and ancient technology in the asteroid belt, proved to be our ultimate down fall. As tensions between the colonies due to the race for the valuable technology in the asteroid belt steadily grew, it eventually lead to civil war. During the war, an alien artifact was unintentionally reactivated, and resulted in the arrival of a robot alien race known as the Perverted. The Expanse would last for centuries, but human civilization, ultimately fell victim to a cataclysm of extraordinary magnitude. A technological discovery resulted in civil war and the arrival of malicious entities known as Perverted, a new hostile robot race, who waged a campaign of destruction against civilization. Few managed to survive the devastation. Forced to withdraw to Earth, mankind's home world, the remnants of humanity who survived united under the guidance of the Ascendant order to build the Haven, establishing the last bastion of civilization in the solar system. The Haven has come under attack throughout the years, Perverted raids probing its defenses for weaknesses. You are one of an army of warriors known as Defenders that call the Haven home, individuals that have been created to take a stand to reclaim what we lost. though the enemy may posses superior technology and numbers proving decisive advantages; and though effective, the Defenders are still too few in number to turn the tide of battle in humanity's favor. Defenders have been created to harness the power of a new energy through their robotic bodies, to create powerful abilities that allow them powerful offensive attacks, defensive counters, and increased mobility. Defenders seek to uncover the mysteries of humanity's downfall and reclaim what has been lost to them. These exploits lead them to rediscover and reclaim old worlds, once part of mankind's civilization but now occupied by a deadly race of robotic aliens. The Defenders are all that stand between the dark forces that seek to destroy civilization and those who take refuge within the Haven. It is their duty to rebuild from the ashes of destruction, to ignite the once great flame of human civilization, and be the light that shines through the darkness. Their failure would mean the destruction of the human race.
Again, is this your actual story, or is this a summary of plot? Regardless of the answer, please do not spread the same post across multiple threads.
oh sorry it is piece of reference material for a story i want to write yes it is a plot summary, is it in the wrong place? if so where do i put it and how do i remedy this situation? thank you for your patience
No, this is in the correct place if it's only a plot summary. But it needs to be clear that this is only a summary of your plot, not the actual content of your WIP. The comments and train of conversation are veering toward treating this as your actual writing, not the skeletal structure for your plot, which is a different thing.
Now, as regards this as a plot summary... It's sounding noticeably similar to James S. A. Corey's books which are currently getting the SyFy treatment as The Expanse. You even make use of the word expanse. Yes there are differences, but the overall arc is noticeably similar. If you are reading these books (great books, btw) or are watching the show (great TV imagining of the books as well), I would stop and question how wise it is to be writing a story as similar to Corey's books as this is. It's one thing to write in a similar vein, but can you keep the story from aping his?
Oh no i have not read or heard of this show or the books, I chose 3xpanse as a word describing the age pertaining to the act of expanding through the stars because I did not want to say golden age as that is what I hear everyone use, as for its similarity in plot how so , I always tried to be original?
Sometimes these things are just coincidental. A million years ago I worked on a story about kids with abilities and the coming doom of mankind for which these kids were a last hope.... and then the X-MEN movies started happening. I have never been a follower of comic books, their characters, or their tropes, and yet still the first of the films was hauntingly similar in tone and overall idea to my story and all I could think was, "Great. Fuq. Next!" It happens. If nothing else, then allow me to point out that there is currently a very well made SyFy show called The Expanse based on books by James S. A. Corey, books which bear strong similarities to your story. You may wish to rethink the use of the word expanse, if nothing else.
i know what you mean, i once created an alien design and it happened to show up in mass effect as the geth, i actually will try to change the name, but i in terms of story intend to make it totally different from the show you are referencing, becuase the work here is only the back story, the current story is more along the lines of surviving the alien attacks and protectin the last bastion of our race by way of special humans that have been merged with machines to become suprior and more apt for defending humanity against a powerful alien race of robots, so you see the summary above is a skeleton for the history leading up to the current point. PS can we pull this convo off the forum, its... kinda.. embarrasing if you know what i mean, i mean after were done i mean, thanks
I think @ddavidv just showed you how to make it more interesting. Break it up into numbered points. I followed what he wrote quite clearly, while my eyes and brain just didn't follow your post at all. Breaking your points up makes a more logical progression, and we can think about the points themselves, rather than try to figure out what they are. I am assuming this is an outline for your plot, not your actual writing. I think you'll find the subject easier to deal with yourself, if you break it down as he suggested.
well i did break it up into smaller paragraphs like this one : 800 years ago shortly after the present day, as overpopulation and unrest mounted on Earth, a number of new political organizations were formed, including the Ascendant and the Dominion cult, who later became bitter rivals. These organizations lead the race to humanity's discovery of terraformation, by funding and encouraging technological progression in this field. In the end Russia was the first to discover it, under the auspices and funding of the Ascendant. The new technology was launched into the space, with the terraforming gear aboard, to spearhead the colonization of new worlds, under the command of the Ascendant organization, who funded the project. The launching of the vessels sparked the first wave of human expansion beyond the confines of Earth, founding the first colonies on Mars, the Moon, Venus, and Mercury. In later years they terraformed planet and moons, and expanded their civilization beyond Earth and throughout much of the solar system. Many worlds were colonized thanks to the development of the terraformation. The discovery, had ignited a prosperous time of technology and exploration for Humans, known as the Expanse. During the expansion however the discovery of mysterious and ancient technology in the asteroid belt, proved to be our ultimate downfall. Tensions between the colonies were initially due to the race for the valuable technology in the asteroid belt. As colonies became distrustful of each others growing power, tensions escalated between them, and it lead to civil war. During the war however, accidental reactivation of an alien artifact known as the Black Stone resulted in the arrival of an alien robot race known as the Perverted. Who waged a campaign of destruction against our civilization nearly driving us to extinction. The archive where humans had kept their research and knowledge from the Expanse, was lost. is this what you guys mean?
