Is My Simile Clear

Discussion in 'Descriptive Development' started by anitaex100, Sep 16, 2016.

  1. Nicola

    Nicola Member

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    The heliocraft Marianna bought whirred as it took to the air. Silver blades stretched out like giant wings, disappearing over the horizon.

    There's nothing wrong with the sentence at all, but is it necessary to add that she bought it? That's something the reader would already know.

    'Marianna climbed into her heliocraft, from the depths of it's cockpit she awoke it and set the blades unfolding like the irridecent wings of a (dragonfly?). The blades whirred, slow at first, then speeding up into a silver blur, blowing flat the surrounding dry grass. With one last flick of the switch, the craft lifted and hovered for a moment before tilting and swooping sidelong over the brow of the horizon'
     
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  2. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributor Contributor

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    I agree that bought or brought should be removed. That just loads down the sentence, dragging the reader one way to tell them about the source of the craft, and then dragging them back to watch said craft. I'm not saying that it's over-complex or hard to understand, just that it's a bump that serves no purpose that I can see, and a smooth sentence is better than a bumpy sentence.

    Unless there are dozens of similar craft so that you need to tell the reader which one it is, I see no need for it. If you do need to specify which one, then "Marianna's heliocraft..." would be less of a speedbump.
     
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  3. Francis de Aguilar

    Francis de Aguilar Contributor Contributor

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    Marianna's new .....
     
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  4. Catrin Lewis

    Catrin Lewis Contributor Contributor Contest Winner 2023 Community Volunteer

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    Meh. I'm not liking the comparison of blades to wings. Why? They're too much alike. For better or worse, I'm reading this vehicle as some sort of helicopter. Blades are to wings, as helicopter is to airplane: same difference; ergo, the simile doesn't tell me anything more about the craft than I already knew.

    An effective simile takes two unlike things and finds the striking commonality between them. I'd think harder and come up with something else those whirring blades are like.

    My 2 cents' worth.
     
  5. Georgina Bass

    Georgina Bass Member

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    What is simile? :confused:
     
  6. SethLoki

    SethLoki Retired Autodidact Contributor

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    I see it as when likening something to something—usually for effect. As loud as thunder, a face like a bag of spanners ( < wouldn't like to meet that person on a night as dark as tar).
     
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2016
  7. Catrin Lewis

    Catrin Lewis Contributor Contributor Contest Winner 2023 Community Volunteer

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    It's a kind of figure of speech. In it you use the prepositions "like" or "as" to draw a comparison between the thing you want the reader to understand, and something else. As I said above, the something else should be different from the thing you're describing. The effect should be a new understanding of the thing or person person being described.

    E.g., "My love is like a red, red rose," and "As the deer pants for the water brooks, so pants my soul for you, O God."

    But not, "She's a lot like my old girlfriend" or "He's as slow as you are." Those are perfectly decent sentences, but not similes.
     
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  8. Georgina Bass

    Georgina Bass Member

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    Oh thank you! You've made me comprehend "simile" so smartly. :)
     
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  9. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Admin Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    Someone's being writing valentines cards again :D

    i tend to think of the example

    "Bob ate like a pig" is a simile , "bob was a pig " is a metaphor (unless bob is actually a pig)
     
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  10. Wreybies

    Wreybies Thrice Retired Supporter Contributor

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    And this test of actuality is a good test for something that @Catrin Lewis mentioned above, the difference between a genuine simile and a simple, flat comparison. A simile can always be turned into a metaphor. A flat comparison cannot be. To use Catrin's examples...

    My love is a red, red rose, .... metaphor
    My soul is a deer panting for the waters of the brook, O God. .... metaphor
    She is my old girlfriend ... not a metaphor
    He and you are both slow. .... not a metaphor
     
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  11. Mckk

    Mckk Member Supporter Contributor

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    Your writing would be stronger if you removed the similie altogether. It's not necessary, and the image far more powerful without the comparison, because the actual image is already powerful. A whirring heliocraft (I imagined helicopter) with silver blades stretched out - it's vivid enough. You don't need to add anything more to it. The word "blades" is particularly strong - by calling them "wings" after just weakens the image. Think of a giant whirring blade - remember "blade" isn't just helicopter blades but there are associations of swords and knives, of violence and stealth. I'd be like, whoa whirring blades I better back the hell off! You get my drift? The impact of calling them "blades" and leaving them precisely at that is what makes it good.

    "Wings", by comparison, conjures up images of birds and angels, neither of which are particularly regal or powerful, or violent. "Wings" does not automatically conjure up a feeling of power the way "blades" does.

    Therefore, by comparing the blades with wings, you weaken your own image.

    Also, as Catrin mentioned above, both helicopter blades and wings are used for flight - the comparison is too close together for there to be any impact, or for the similie to add anything to your sentence, rendering the comparison superfluous.
     
  12. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Admin Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    I often find thats the case with similes , often less is more . in my Wip I had a combat scene which in first draft had the hero "screaming like a banshee and hurling himself at the[enemy]like a big cat pouncing on its prey" ...in draft two that reads much more tightly as "screaming incoherent curse words Blade hurled himself at the [enemy]"
     
  13. SethLoki

    SethLoki Retired Autodidact Contributor

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    Word thrift eh—concision. PMFJI but I pondered this for my own learning. I'll raise you two three four five and a bunch of syllables:

    "with cussing war cries, Blade attacked..."

    Same message?

    (like a guilty schoolboy, I await my telling off)
     
  14. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Admin Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    this is true - but i'd already used attacked in that paragraph and i wanted to comunicate the idea of him throwing himself forward reckless of his own safety to save a colleague - hence 'hurled himself at the enemy'
     
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