Mental Health Support Thread (NOT for giving medical advice, or debating)

Sometimes suicide pops into my head. Not in a really serious way, where I think about how I would do it, when, and where. But in a "My mind is so fucked, I'd rather die than struggle with fixing it" kind of way.

I want to quit my job. So badly. It's eating me up and literally taking a toll on my body. I have headaches, muscle aches, nausea, tremors, and kidney pain almost every time I get in the car to go to work. And don't get me started about my anxiety level.

Being a manager is just too much for me. I can't handle it. And that's fine with me. Some people just aren't cut out for it. But my husband is and thinks that I am too. I don't think he fully grasps how miserable I am. He wants me to stick it out, wait and see if things get better, toughen up. But I can't. It's destroying me, little by little, every day.

He said he'd support me no matter what I do, and my therapist said that's the part I need to focus on. But it's hard when I know he'll be disappointed in me if I step down. She told me that I need to stop trying to seek his approval because then it becomes a parent/child relationship instead of two equals in a marriage. And I know she's right, but it's still difficult for me to change my line of thinking. Step down: I'm happy but my husband's upset. Or stay a manager: my husband's happy but I'm upset.

He'll get over it, I'm sure. We don't need the money. It's nice, sure, and it's building up our savings. But we can survive without my pay. I just need to do what's best for me right now. And in doing what's best for me, it'll benefit my husband too. Who wants to be married to a miserable woman?

I know what I need to do. I just need to build up the courage to do it. I really hate life sometimes.

 

Why does he want you to work?

 

It's mostly because he likes the money. I'm full time and get paid a decent amount, so it's good for our future. And he's one of those people who believes in suffering now so we can relax later. I told him I don't want to quit, just step down, but it's a decrease in pay and hours.

But I also thinks he thinks I'm selling myself short. That if I put my mind to it, I can handle this job. I try to explain to him that I'm trying the best I can, but I don't think he's grasping that.

 

I just need to get these thoughts out.

I can't stop feeling listless. I've applied to so many jobs. I've taken up three new hobbies in the last month. I do working parties weekly. I spend my spare time writing, then checking every website for notifications, then writing a bit more.
I have a horrible feeling constantly. Everything I try to do doesn't make me happy. But I wish I could cry. Constantly, I'm on the edge. My head feels a million miles away. More panic attacks. But my head feels so empty. I don't even know what's wrong. I just need to talk to someone without them telling me they can't do anything. I want to talk about this, but also how the weather is terrible, tell them their shoes are so cool, have an argument about our favourite characters, buy them a horrible sandwich. I just want to talk. I just want to interact with a goddamn human.

 

I know this is likely going to be of absolutely no help, but... I'm in the exact same boat, so I completely understand.

 

@Lea`Brooks and @I.A. By the Barn - Look, back when I was looking for a job and got rejection after rejection...I was almost close to just giving up and, I dunno, drowning my sorrows out with alcohol for all the good it did. The economy was, and still is, crap and it looks like it isn't gonna get better. If it's of any comfort, there are lots of people struggling to find a job. Lots of them. And believe me, it can really destroy your morale. Encouragements like, “You're gonna get there” feel more like insults than what they originally were.

Also, By the Barn: the weather's nice here for once, I like your shoes, Captain Picard is better than Captain Kirk, thank you for the horrible sandwich, I'll have the soggy fries with that.

 

Economic slave.

 

This is exactly why I came searching for a forum like this. I mean, down to the job, husband as best friend, and no life (though I Pinterest instead of play video games). Let me know any time you'd rather go with the swearing/ranting/tear it all down until we uncover something amusing route and I would LOVE to talk!

 

Going through a very bad patch, mostly work-related. I'm seriously considering going to the doctor and seeing if I can be signed off for sickness, but then I'd have the new worry of trying to survive on less than 1/4 of my salary for the next two months (until I begin my new job). I can't face going to work but I can't survive without it. Great.

 

Heck, you don't get sick pay when you're signed off sick? Not even for a little bit? I had no idea that was how it worked.

 

Depends on the company. Some only give what they're legally required to: if a doctor signs you off, you're entitled to £88 a week for up to 28 weeks of sickness. It's the same rate whether you normally earn £50 a week or £500 a week.

My company offers above the legal minimum - 10 paid sick days a year - but since I have a chronic illness I've used six already this year. Once those days are up all I get is the £88. I can't pay my bills on £88 a week.

 

Hope this thread is also suitable for a little venting, if not I apologise.

I have a few issues I struggle with since I was a kid I've been fighting a massive lack of self-esteem and also fighting a lot of self-hatred.
Also, due to having a past with severe bullying (threatening letters etc) I get some sort of "attacks" when I'm school...it's not really an anxiety attack, sometimes my brain sort of "freezes", my hands starts shaking and I sort of panic and also get a general feeling of discomfort and have to leave the room, often I have to leave the school when it happens though.
This only ever happens when I'm at school (and in rare cases when I'm in a place I find highly uncomfortable) and is the reason why I've failed at 7-8 attempts at getting an education in my adult life.

There's no diagnosis, though, I've been to several psychologists and psychiatrists and technically there's "nothing wrong with me", I just have a lot of "baggage" and I've found that not having a diagnosis, at least in this system, means you get less help.
I spoke to the counselor to try and get some help (I'm only in actually school 4-5 weeks at a time) while I'm there and the result of the conversation was that since I have no severe diagnosis, criminal past or an addiction, there's nothing they can do to help me.
Luckily my teachers are very understanding and want to help, although there's little they can do seeing as I don't even know myself why and when it happens.

So yeah, just frustrating I guess is what I'm trying to say...probably needed a little venting.

 

I think this one is a no brainer. You got medical professionals who don't think you need drugs, But clearly you got a problem- low self esteem. So what's the solution? You need to start re-programming your mind. Repeat to yourself positive thoughts and eventually you'll start to believe it.

 

I'm guessing having some private counselling/psychotherapy isn't an option? Regular venting, an hour a week that is entirely about you and someone sitting down and giving you their undivided attention could be helpful. Failing that group therapy for anxiety might be good - and a bit cheaper. You don't need any kind of diagnosis for either of these options (not in the UK anyhow).

 

Is there any hope of him understanding that this is simply not the job for you? It sounds like you're both focusing on, "This is a better job. Can I handle it?" But it sounds like it's NOT a better job. It might be a better job for somebody else, but it's not a better job for you.

One could argue that a chef should strive to become a bond trader or a lawyer because it's a "better job" in the sense of making more money. But it's not a better job, because it's the wrong job.

For you, stepping down might put you in the right job, or it might just be a "better wrong job"--a job that still isn't right, but that lets you heal to the point that you have some emotional and intellectual energy for eventually searching for a genuinely better job.

Edited to add: And in case my point isn't clear, that is IMO a big reason to, yes, STEP DOWN and start that healing.

I mentioned somewhere back in this thread about my being in work burnout. If I had seen this burnout coming a couple of years ago and taken action, I'd be far better off right now. You see that there's a problem, a big soul-destroying problem. Step down and let your soul heal.

 

I stepped down a couple days ago. My last day as a manager is this Saturday, then I go back to being a normal sales associate. They cut my hours pretty bad, and I was concerned it would upset my husband.

But yesterday when I got home from work, we talked about it. And he said he was proud of me. That simple sentiment was enough to make me feel so much better.

I know this new position won't be perfect. But like you said, I'm hoping it'll give me a chance to heal until I find something better.

 

I felt a weight off my shoulders reading that, @Lea`Brooks. I hope you start to enjoy work more!

 

Yay!!

 

Congratulations, @Lea`Brooks. It takes courage to recognize that a situation isn't right and to make changes, especially when you feel there is external pressure (whether societal or closer to home) to stay in the situation, buck up and work through it, or what have you. We're all individual, and I think too many people allow societal dictates to keep them in situations that don't work for them personally. I'm glad your husband responded as he did. Best wishes to you.

 

Thanks everyone.

I was feeling pretty bad about myself right after I stepped down, like I was a failure. I kept thinking that, maybe if I'd just tried a little bit harder, I could've made it work. Maybe I just didn't put in enough effort.

But I've gotten over that for the most part. It just wasn't right for me at the time. I'll take a break and work towards possibly doing it again in the future. Just not now.

So thanks for the support. I really appreciate it.

 

You are very welcome, @Lea`Brooks . Any time.

Well, it's happened: my anxiety is compelling me to bite myself after saying something that, upon looking back, I realize was really stupid and insensitive; and also basically promising someone close to me on Facebook that I'd commence research on her family.

I don't want to do it because of the fear of pain and blood, but... I kind of, sort of...want to??

...And...well, there was that one time I tried strangling myself with the vacuum cord....

...Good Lord, I think I need help...

 

OK, crisis over. I didn't hurt myself in any way -- but dear Lord that was...um...scary.

By the way, I just realized that this thread has no link for suicide prevention. Don't you all think it's kind of important in a thread like this to have suicide prevention sites for those who have suicidal thoughts?

Here's a link for the US version.
http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/#
And here's a link for non-US versions:
http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
Here's a general link: http://www.suicide.org/index.html

 

@Link the Writer

Get professional help now.

 

It's all right, crisis averted. I have no intention of self-harm.

 

@Link the Writer
Sorry I didn't read this earlier. I'll send you a virtual hug now.

You stay safe.