Richard goes to the counter. As he is waiting for the bill Rachel is on the phone having an argument with someone on the other end. Her speech a crescendo. RACHEL You do what's right...What ever... Did I ask... Go to hell! RACHEL doesn't even puts the phone away and starts weeping. Seeing her in such a state Richard goes to calm her. RICHARD Hey. RACHEL doesn't responds. RICHARD(COUNT) Crying doesn't suits you. He hands her a tissue from a brand new box sitting next to him. RACHEL You didn't need to do that. RICHARD It's alright I would have bought it on the next trip. Racheal takes the tissue. RACHEL I'm sorry. RICHARD I'm Richard. Rachel lightens up a little. RICHARD(Cont) Boyfriend? She smirks at the idea. RACHEL Husband...Ex. RICHARD Sorry to hear that. RACHEL Are you always sorry. RICHARD Only In the company of beautiful women. RACHEL Why do people hurt? RICHARD Because it's easy.
Personally, I would say no, it doesn't work... because I don't see a woman like this engaging with a man like this. If she's a beautiful woman (who constantly has guys hitting on her and therefore has to be selective who she gives her time to) and this guy comes along who clearly has no clue what he's doing with women, I see her blowing him off quickly -- not opening up and trusting him almost immediately.
She is a mother of 40. Her five year old son Eric is dying. She hasn't still forgiven her Ex who cheated on her.
I'm afraid I must agree with Konan, especially after hearing what her background is. "Hey." is not an opening that would entice her to lower her barriers. She's already feeling vulnerable, and here's some strange guy taking advantage of her distress? Handing her the tissue box first, and keeping a respectful distance, is less likely to get an immediate response of "Get the fuck away from me before I neuter you!" "Crying doesn't suit you," is also likely to provoke strong hostility. It sounds too much like a come-on. "Can I help, or find someone to help you?" makes it clearer he's trying to help, not to take advantage.
So how should I go about it ? In the script this isn't the first time they are meeting, though they are still practically strangers. If I start off with "Can I help, or find someone to help you?" How will I take it further? I want my story to be as realistic as possible. Thank you for telling me that this isn't working. I had my doubts and now I want to make sure that this is realistic.
@hilal To tell you how to take it further would be to write it for you. Honestly, the only to write realistic dialogue is to study people and study how they interact with others. How old are you?
I'm not saying write it for me i'm asking for a few examples. This isn't a scenario one sees every day. Do you know a movie where something similar occurs? I have already written dialogues like: INT.JAMES' Sociology class--Day Class has just stated. The students are handing in their assignments. Eugene a student in the class gives his to James. JAMES There should be a title page here. Eugene I'm an environmentalist JAMES A tree somewhere might wanna give you a hug. EUGENE Or a sociology teacher an A? And "DJ Three years and this stuff still tastes the same. Tim You don't go to a MacDonald's and tell them that their fries taste the same even after all these years. DJ Well I don't pay MacDonald's $63,000 a year."
I think the issue is that Richard seems to be hitting on Rachel from go. Seeing a woman obviously angry get off the phone and start crying, his response is to walk up and go "crying doesn't suit you". Why? Something comforting ("Hey, can I do anything?") or awkward ("Uhh ... are you okay?") would feel more natural. Rachel's apology makes it sound like she's embarrassed to be caught crying, which is understandable, but to go from pissed off and crying to engaging with some random guy who started with essentially "smile sweetheart it might never happen" and cheering up from it just doesn't ring true to me. Her "are you always sorry" doesn't make sense because she's the one who previously said sorry. Maybe there's further context not included in this excerpt? On the other hand, if he'd previously approached with an apology, a "sorry to bother you" or whatever, then it'd make more sense, and I could see her at least potentially finding it endearing if - I'm assuming - the point of the scene is him cheering her up and her finding him charming. Then he comes back with another come-on which can really only be cheesy (which could be amusing, depending on delivery) or annoying - and given what we're shown of Rachel's emotional state (ie the arguing, the crying), it seems more likely that she'd want nothing to do with it. Since he kicked things off by hitting on her the entire conversation feels like him going "hey, pay attention to me" when she's obviously got her own shit going on most likely wants to either be left alone to deal with it or helped to deal with it. He's not offering either of those things. He's just a stranger intruding into her space to pay her weird/dramatic compliments. Instead of telling him to get lost she throws out this vague pseudo-philosophical question - at some guy she just met - and he gives a pseudo-intellectual answer, and the exchange is completely out of nowhere. For me it's a hugely jarringly "who talks like this?" moment and it makes them feel completely unrealistic. And the "hurting is easy" sentiment just plain doesn't make sense, frankly. Maybe if what you meant was "why do people hurt other people" but it reads as "why do people experience pain" to me. Obviously I don't know your characters and I can't tell you how they'd act, but I'd question a guy who walks up to a strange woman who's crying and continues bothering he when she doesn't respond by telling her crying isn't pretty (I know that not the exact line, but that's how it sounds). I'm not saying that guy doesn't exist, but that's not a likable character to me. The woman brightening up in response to learning the guy's name is weird - if she did give this guy a chance, she might segue from crying in frustration back to anger/annoyance as the ex, but she'd still be upset - which doesn't come across. The moment of her being like "ex-husband, can you believe it" and him saying "sorry to hear that", and her joking (I assume) "are you always sorry?" is a good moment; that one feels genuine and like they actually have some chemistry. But then he immediately returns to hitting on her, she goes off on a vague tangent, and it doesn't feel organic anymore. Your other excerpts seem fine - I think you're good at dialog in general. But I'd reconsider what you want to do in this scene with Richard and Rachel. What's his motivation for going over to her? He seems to want to help/comfort her so, given who he is as a person, how would he go about doing that? How is she supposed to feel about him as a result - do you want her to find him sweet, funny, charming? This is the first time they meet; the rest of their relationship is built off of this moment. What's the core of their friendship, what's their dynamic? Because unless it's all going to be corny pick-up lines and sudden philosophy, this doesn't do much to set it up.
@hilal my thoughts... The whole conversation felt stilted and just unrealistic. I think you should rethink the last bit of the conversation. RACHEL :You do what's right...What ever... Did I ask... Go to hell! (This is okay, but I'd probably try to make her conversation a little bit more interesting. I'd replace "You do what's right" with something more interesting.) RACHEL doesn't even puts the phone away and starts weeping. Seeing her in such a state Richard goes to calm her. RICHARD: Hey. (This is really just not good enough. You don't just "Hey" someone unless you know them, especially if they are distressed. I'd expect it to be more "Hey, are you okay?" or simply variants of, "You okay?" depending on personality and age) RACHEL doesn't responds. (I can't believe she won't respond, she would at least glance at him. She is human after all) RICHARD: Crying doesn't suits you. (I actually thought he knew her, this statement indicates familiarity to me and since he doesn't, it's quite an inappropriate statement. If someone said that to me out of the blue, I'd automatically think: Do I know you? Who the hell are you anyway? I just noticed he did know of her. Still, I think it's not the best comment.) He hands her a tissue from a brand new box sitting next to him. RACHEL: You didn't need to do that. (Why would she say that? Why shouldn't he? An action like that would instinctively get a thanks or no thanks reaction. I am assuming he is talking about tissue, if not, then I'm just confused. Is she referring to him 'helping' her?) RICHARD: It's alright I would have bought it on the next trip. (Huh? What is he on about? Are we talking tissues here? I thought the tissues were already on the counter and not his...) Racheal takes the tissue. (So suddenly she is okay with taking a tissue...why even fuss about it above...) RACHEL: I'm sorry. (Why is she sorry? I'd say the only person who could possibly be sorry is Richard for intruding into her private moment... She could be someone that says I'm sorry a lot, because I do that myself. But I'd attach an explanation. To me, it'd be more like: I'm so embarrassed... or: I can't believe I am crying over XYZ, I feel like an idiot having a public meltdown...etc ) RICHARD: I'm Richard. (This just feels all wrong, contrived and a set up from previous comment. It just doesn't work.) Rachel lightens up a little. RICHARD: Boyfriend? (I think in many places in your conversation you use one word responses. But I'd probably think you can make things feel less stilted by just changing it a little like: Problems with your boyfriend?) She smirks at the idea. RACHEL: Husband...Ex. RICHARD: Sorry to hear that. (Look, people probably say this to fill in space...But I don't like to read it if I know he is not at all sorry. He's interested in her. So if anything, should he be trying to find hints of whether there is a chance. Or at least, qualify it with, Sorry to see he's upsetting you.) RACHEL: Are you always sorry. (Honestly, this just comes across as a little dumb and cliche to me. It makes me think she is not very interesting...) RICHARD: Only In the company of beautiful women. (My eyes are rolling now... He's sorry a second ago and now he's really hitting on her with the cheesiest of cheesy lines.) RACHEL: Why do people hurt? (If she is aged 40 and not mother of 40 children - your statement above kinda reads like that (hehe), then she's devolved in my mind. I'm 39 and I'd be a little embarrassed asking a stranger that question...) RICHARD: Because it's easy. (I'm not hit by a lightning of enlightenment here... I think you need to reconsider the conversation topic from "Husband...Ex" onwards. It's all a little immature to me.) Anyway, I don't understand the back story, but I did actually like the kind of dialogue you're trying to set up here. But to me, it was just too abbreviated and forced.
I agree with Izzy, the "Crying doesn't suit you" line really doesn't seem to fit. I think actions would speak louder than words here, and instead of saying anything at first, maybe he could just hand her the tissue and things go from there.
"Crying doesn't suits you" is starting with an insult. I think that the conversation would be over. And what' the "I'm sorry" for? Is she apologizing to him for being insufficiently decorative due to the tears? Oh! Is she the clerk? Well that explains why she continued talking to him--she has no choice. "Are you always sorry" is confusing; he's only been 'sorry' once. Maybe this refers to an earlier version where he said "I'm sorry" more than once? "Only In the company of beautiful women" feels like a blatant come-on line. I think that you need to eliminate the come ons and flattery and make him just act like a human being.
Hi @hilal I think when posting the dialogue it may have helped to provide context. I didn't know if Richard had a comedic nature, I didn't know Rachel had an ex or dying son. So reading it stand alone really didn't work for me. However when I went through the thread in it's entirety more context was given, so the conversation started to make a bit of sense. I won't repeat what others have said as the point is laboured now. But if you post any further dialogue a few sentences on what is happening in the wider context of your story and a small amount of info on your characters may help. For instance just because she is beautiful and has guys hitting on her all the time doesn't mean in this instance she would blow Richard off (not in a erotica sense lol). You said further down the page they met previously, so when they met previously maybe she told him straight up she was done with men, and just wants a friend. I don't know just throwing it out there.
On a grammatical level, don't use things like "...", if there is supposed to be a pause in the dialogue you need to insert a (beat), as a parenthetical.
'Are you always sorry.' He only said it once so I'd change that. 'Why do some people hurt.' Seemed a bit deep or desperate to ask a stranger. I can see you wanted to end with some impact though but I'd find another way. It read fine for me. Easy to follow. Didn't ramble. Richard seemed charming and caring but I didn't get much from Rachel other than upset. I wouldn't worry about Richard's motivations because that could be a mystery or his caring nature could be part of something more sinister in the future. I don't know what the bigger picture is so it's unfair to judge. I don't need more from him. I think you more or less achieved what I think you tried to do, which tl me seemed a first encounter in a style simular to a hollywood movie. Apart from Rachel being flat it was OK.
Strawpoll of the five women in my team , all of them would read "crying doesnt suit you" as a chat up line whether from a stranger or an acquaintance, and responses would vary from "Fuck off " to "mind your own business" as to 'only in the company of beautiful women" - they all agree that the conversation wouldnt have got that far anyway, but if it did it would be over at that point and none of them would then ask 'why do people hurt' I think the key thing is if he's not a friend why is he comforting her at all ? If I'm in a cafe and i see a woman i don't know well burst into tears i'm going to assume its a private matter and not interfere. Of course if he is a freind thats different, but in that case he wouldnt just say "i'm richard"
From Richard saying "sorry to hear that" until the end, the dialogue conjured up images of a romantic 50's movie for me. The last 5 exchanges seemed to progress more rapidly than seems plausible and felt like it needed a bit more. "Why do people hurt" seems to come out of the blue, but without knowing the build up to this encounter or the content of the previous encounters of these characters it would be wrong for me to say it does not fit. I am in the same position as you with regards to writing believable conversations..... I am not finding it easy. Good luck.
Hi, After reading the dialog the main problem I see here are, 1) how is this conversation/interaction helping your story? It seems like a mundane conversation we've seen in 40s/50s era movies. 2) it honestly gets confusing trying to distinguish Rachel from Richard. Two names that start with R which at first glance almost seem like the same name. The scene/interaction is hum-drum and it's really a scene. It's not dialog you have to worry about, it's the purpose of the scene, and then let the dialog reveal the character/motivation of that scene. Every one is agreeable here as well. That's boring. Try adding conflict, a tension between the two. As it reads now, it just kind of endlessly goes on and on for no reason.
Hey there, I apologize if I'm echoing anything posted before me (I haven't read through the above replies). So when it comes to writing dialogue, you need to generally be faithful to the emotional reality of the characters and how that drives their behavior in a realistic (assuming you're going for that) conversation. I'm assuming, based on what's revealed within this bit of dialogue, that these two people are perfect strangers. One is having a rather serious, highly emotionally charged moment--in public, nonetheless. Richard's "crying doesn't suit you" is a very bold thing to say to a woman (he doesn't know) who is clearly in distress. Honestly, that's not a particularly comfortable or even respectful way of addressing someone. Unless Richard is meant to be a bit of a dick, I wouldn't recommend this way to start things off with a character who is meant to be liked by the reader/audience. And her response to his line seems a little too open, friendly, and receiving for someone who was incredibly heated and sad 5 seconds ago. Is she smirking at the idea of Richard being her boyfriend? Why? She knows nothing about the guy yet, other than the fact that he gave her a tissue. Isn't that too quick of a gear change for someone who is distraught and over relationships? "Only in the company of beautiful women." Reads a little too try-hardy from Richard. Which, again, could be the point of the character. But if he's meant to be suave, then this line doesn't work too well. There needs to be some kind of progression that leads to Rachel's next question. It just doesn't seem to flow too well with the rest of the dialogue and seemingly comes out of nowhere. Perhaps adding a beat before she asks the question which gives some breathing room for the character to process first and THEN ask this strange, random person such a profound question. Hopefully some of this advice was helpful.
