1. LukasKubicek

    LukasKubicek New Member

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    Sentence Construction Help

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by LukasKubicek, Jan 22, 2017.

    Hi, I am new and glad to be here. This is my sentence as is: "During a period in which the team was under particular pressure, not resting—even to catch my breath—became a habit of mine"

    To clarify, this is intended as a positive statement, conveying the subject's utter determination.

    That part I have in quotes above is fine as is, at least by my estimation. What I'd like to do is to add something to the sentence, more detail, but ideally still not break its flow.

    Either:

    1. Something about how this positive habit/practice/whatever persisted even after things got better

    Or 2 (a new idea). Something about how it had an influence on my teammates doing likewise.

    Thus making a pretty positive statement seem even more so. As stated, I like what I have so far, but don't know how to expand on it with the two suggestions above and have it retain its flow. Thank you so much.
     
  2. Wreybies

    Wreybies Thrice Retired Supporter Contributor

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    The problem I have with this sentence is obfuscation of the grammatical and logical subject. That first clause, which is a rather involved ablative absolute clause, gives us every reason to believe that the logical subject of the sentence is going to be the team. This turns out to be incorrect as we come to the very last word of the sentence, "mine", wherein we learn the actual logical subject. The grammatical subject is "not resting", hence my need to point out the difference between logical and grammatical. Regardless, I had to read the sentence 3 times. First time I was confused. Second time I got it. Third time it finally read smoothly.
     
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  3. Homer Potvin

    Homer Potvin A tombstone hand and a graveyard mind Staff Supporter Contributor

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    I too had to read this three times to understand it. Unless you're deliberately going for some kind of obscure stylistic effect (or intentionally trying to confuse the reader) I would rewrite it like: "I made a habit of not resting when the team was under particular pressure." Or "When the team was under particular pressure I made of habit of not resting." Otherwise I probably would not consider reading any further. "When" is a very good word. You should consider using it instead of "During a period" unless you're trying to bump your word count.
     
  4. LukasKubicek

    LukasKubicek New Member

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    I was fine with the sentence as is, I only wanted to add to it in some way.

    Was that your way of saying you can't, or won't, help me?

    On the one hand, I appreciate the unsolicited feedback; on the other, I wish you had answered the post within the context I put it in.

    That is, "Either:

    1. Something about how this positive habit/practice/whatever persisted even after things got better

    Or 2 (a new idea). Something about how it had an influence on my teammates doing likewise."

    Thanks all the same.
     
  5. Elven Candy

    Elven Candy Pay no attention to the foot in my mouth Contributor

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    I really wouldn't add to it, honestly. It's already a long sentence that's a little difficult to read; adding more information to it could make it cumbersome. Have you tried putting the information you want to add in the next sentence? If you're really against rewriting this sentence or putting the information in the next sentence, you may be able to tack on a little something at the end, like this:

    During a period in which the team was under particular pressure, not resting—even to catch my breath—became a habit of mine and encouraged my teammates to push themselves harder.
     
  6. Shadow Reeves

    Shadow Reeves Active Member

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    It does seem unnecessarily convoluted.

    The lack of specificity with "a period" and "particular pressure" makes me think that this action of 'not resting' is not happening now, but merely an internal thought, in which case I'd suggest "had become" rather than "became.
    But even so, it does not flow particularly well.

    "It became a standard operating procedure for the team to not rest while under pressure, no matter how taxing, not even to catch your breath."
     
  7. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributor Contributor

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    My main thought is: How is running full tilt and never resting a positive thing?

    That said, I find the original sentence confusing. My rewrite would be:

    When the team was under particular pressure, I rarely rested, even to catch my breath.

    My sarcastic addition on the "positive" concept would be:

    When the team was under particular pressure, I rarely rested, even to catch my breath. This continued even after the demands of the job reached a more normal level. As a result of this admirable work ethic, I died of a coronary episode at age 36. In a world plagued by overpopulation, I recommend this strategy to all youth who wish to contribute to society.
     
  8. Cogito

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    In my opinion, you have too much in the sentence already. Clarity is paramount, and as others have pointed out, it's confusing. You're trying so hard to communicate so much that the sentence is bleeding at the seams. What seems to be your principal concept (I fell into the habit of not resting) is lost in passive voice, and the subject (the narrator) is tucked into a prepositional phrase at the very end. The qualifier (not even to catch my breath) further fragments your primary assertion.

    So I have to concur with my peers. Add nothing except clarity. The best way is not to cram too much into one sentence.

    If you want more punch in your prose, learn the power of the simple declarative sentence.
     
  9. Shadowfax

    Shadowfax Contributor Contributor

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    1/ I agree with the other posters that the original sentence was unclear. I'm grateful to @Wreybies for his grammatical demolition deconstruction, which explains WHY it's such an ugly thing.

    2/ Having understood your original sentence, I can't help but feel that your MC is a self-righteous prig (sic). Was that your intention? Or is this a sentence from your CV, intended to highlight what a wonderful employee you'd be?

    ETA: Reviewing your other posts, it seems that using us as a thesaurus to find alternatives to "unprofitable", "sales territory" and "taking on other people's jobs" does fit in with the CV hypothesis.


    3/ That's a fairly unappreciative response to all the help that's been extended to you.
     
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  10. Wreybies

    Wreybies Thrice Retired Supporter Contributor

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    We are occasionally mistaken for an editorial service. The "can I please speak to the manager" attitude begins to make sense.

    To the OP: We are a community of individuals with a common interest. We are not a service for which you have paid. Kindly leave the remonstrative tone at the door.
     
  11. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Admin Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    When my team was under pressure working flat out with no rest breaks led to me being off work for ten weeks with work related stress leading to clinical depression - just sayin.

    As a manager that is not a sentence I want to see in a job application, as a) running flat out is a bad habit, b) it suggests poor time management, and c) stated like that it comes across as 'not a team player' and 'thinks hes better than his team mates'

    Assuming you aren't writing a CV, if this really is a novel you need to think about whether you want your MC to come across like that.
     
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  12. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Admin Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    Would that imply that it would be better structured as

    " I developed a habit of not ressting, even to catch my breath, during the period when the team was under pressure" ?

    (leaving aside the wider considerations about whether thats a good idea etc)
     
  13. Wreybies

    Wreybies Thrice Retired Supporter Contributor

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    Returning to a presumption that this is, in fact, a piece of creative writing and not a CV, yes, assuming we are too keep all of the original syntactic material in play. @ChickenFreak's honing is the clearest as it trims away extraneous verbosity in favor of directness and the logical and grammatical subjects are clear. I am not disinclined to the use of a preamble clause, but in the original there was such a clause and a parenthetical interjection before we ever got to the logical subject. It's a minefield.

    ETA: Once you know the route for the sentence, it's hard to recreate the initial confusion, but it's that initial pass that's the issue, and if this is to be compared against a stack of other CV's awaiting review, well... daunting.
     

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