A bunch of people read The Tale of Onora

Discussion in 'Discussion of Published Works' started by Jack Asher, Apr 4, 2016.

  1. Raven484

    Raven484 Contributor Contributor

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    Also, sentences are way to long, half the time I have to reread the paragraph to try and understand it. He should have made this a ten page chapter and moved on. So drawn out for no substance. Seems like he is making filler in an already short story. This can't be good moving forward. Will finish chapter 2 on Monday, leaving work now, I will not allow myself to waste time at home on this. Good weekend to everyone!
     
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  2. JD Anders

    JD Anders Member

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    I gleefully await the last half of this tale manifesto thing
     
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  3. Krispee

    Krispee Contributor Contributor

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    Well I`m done, I`ve actually deleted the thing and it no longer exists in my dojo. I`d be interested in hearing what Steerpike and Jack think of the thanks though.
     
  4. ShannonH

    ShannonH Senior Member Contest Winner 2023

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    I'd just like to thank those who are reading this on our behalf. I remember going through the GoodReads thread and wondering how bad it could actually be.

    Thankfully our brave reviewers have saved me that pain.
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2016
  5. Krispee

    Krispee Contributor Contributor

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    I think the problem wasn`t how bad it was, it was his reaction to it. If he hadn`t reacted then no-one would have noticed and this thread would probably have never existed.
     
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  6. ShannonH

    ShannonH Senior Member Contest Winner 2023

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    It was almost magical how all the elements came together; his reaction to the review, his own pretentious nature regarding his work and the critics to it and how bad said work is.
     
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  7. Jack Asher

    Jack Asher Banned Contributor

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    We'll probably do two today, though chapter 4 might be a half chapter if it's like chapter 2.
    Chapter 3: Heroes and Murderers

    Events:
    After all of the "excitement" of chapter 2 we had to stop the flow in order to have "the man" and "the boy" talk about nothing for awhile more.

    And so talk they do. The boy is unhappy he didn't see the way the war ended, and the man explains that only seeing how it began was important. I'm not sure why. All we saw was a battle, not a war, which tells us fuck-nothing. If you were to watch the battle of Shilo you wouldn't know a goddamn thing about The Civil War.

    Then the boy points around the room and asks about all the crap on the walls, and in the corners of the room. Reading about characters playing "I-spy" is as fun as it sounds. Then the boy finds a crown in a pile of junk, and expresses his desire to become king. The man explains that being a king sucks for everyone who isn't the king, which doesn't seem like a very good argument. There's a whole bunch of whining about debt, and collectivism, and slavery, and it's clear that Saccoccio has defined all of those terms based on his experience with youtube documentaries.

    Then the man talks about how he killed his father and why that was a good thing. According to him, his father was responsible for the way he grew up without a father. I was there, and he grew up without a father because his mom ran away into a forest and gave him to a bunch of elves, so I don't know what the fuck he's talking about.

    Oh, and banks are bad, for some reason.

    There's some crying, and they say "I love you" to one another, and then the boy decides he has to "understand all" and drinks some more magic shit and goes into a trance again.

    Writing:
    Unlike the first "the man" and "the boy" interaction, this serves little purpose as far as the plot is concerned. If the events of the first bit had been anything other than a quagmire of writing, it might be nice to kind of unwind for a bit. But they were anything other than exciting, and all this does is slow the pace down further. Saccoccio's opinion of his own work comes out even through his plot style.

    So the scene really only exists as a mouthpiece for Saccoccio to explain that he hates banks and governments for reasons that are never made clear, but would probably appear as headlines on infowars.com. The man points out that
    Well no, but you use wealth and power to buy food, or make others buy it for you. But as we've seen, thinking through a concept is where Saccoccio's train of thought derails and crashes into a ravine.

    And the weirdness of the first chapter appears again here.
    Saccoccio uses the word "responded" despite not knowing what it means apparently. That was not a response. All of the dialogue is full of similar holes in thought, it's almost like Saccoccio is using confusing matching to create a tone of subtle unreality. Or it would be if I could ever be convinced he had so much skill. I can't, so it just come off as inept.

    Thoughts:
    None.
    Emotions:
    A creeping sense of malaise and dissatisfaction, coupled with a desire to stop doing this.
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2016
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  8. Krispee

    Krispee Contributor Contributor

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    Don`t worry, you`ll stop soon enough, there`s not much more to it.
     
  9. ShannonH

    ShannonH Senior Member Contest Winner 2023

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    Two more books to work through for the bravest amongst us.
     
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  10. Krispee

    Krispee Contributor Contributor

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    No, not for me, too many other books to read, writing to do, work to bring home, a painting to be finished, and anything else I can think of to be honest.
    Anyway I thought this thread was only for the one book?
     
  11. Sundowner

    Sundowner Active Member

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    "Humph! I hate Capitalism!" Saccoccio pouted as he proceeded to happily pay his subscription fee for World of Warcraft.
     
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  12. Jack Asher

    Jack Asher Banned Contributor

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    Oh, well that was basically nothing. Okay.
    Chapter 4: A Light from the Forest

    Events:

    So we're back to this line break bullshit, which will make this difficult but here it goes.

    Some bitch name Ellia is upset because the g'ment gonna take all her guns! Er. Swords anyway. And while she doesn't have any swords and doesn't need any swords, she understands that swords are important, because blah blah blah blah blah. Then she goes away her effect on the story being over.

    So now this fucking tree is talking to a fairy, and telling her that she needs to go find an elf who doesn't have a fairy. The tree doesn't know who it is, just that he's lonely, which is the worst thing you could ever possibly be. There's also some bullshit about "The Great Barrier" and "The Shade" which don't get explained because Saccoccio only had a limited number of words and they all had to go to his opinions on the second amendment. The fairy (Dani) is supposed to find the boy and bring him to the talking tree.

    Then it's all about that kid from Chapter 2, or possibly all the chapters, who knows. He's in front of the city and it's raining, and every reader is rolling their eyes because we all know it's a fucking dream. There's fighting going on in the city, and that's interesting--no we get a bar.

    Dani has to fly off now and search for this kid. She flies through a tunnel and there's another elf in there. She doesn't like the look of him, so we have to hear about how terrible people like him are for a page and a half. Then she gets to elf village and--fuck.

    We're back in the nightmare, and now a horse is riding past the kid. And there's a girl on the horse and they have some kind of deep psychotic connection. Then the horse almost runs him down, and the girl goes off and he's sad. Like really really sad.
    I fall in love on the bus to work every day, so I know what he's feeling.

    Then the fairy wanders around some more, and talks to people about fucking language and shit. Gotta meet every motherfucker in the village who says hello to her, because they're gonna all be super important later. Then some little kid asks her name and she tells him, then gets pissed that he "tricked" her name out of her. So she has to spend a page threatening him with how dangerous this little fucking fairy is. And suddenly she knows Aithein's name, even though nobody told her.

    Also her eyes are purple.

    Also her eyes change color with her mood.

    Also Saccoccio cribs his ideas of deviantart pages run by middle school girls.

    Bar (for no reason) and Dani lands on Aithein's windowsill just in time to say his name, and we're somewhere else again.

    More nightmare. This time an evil horse shows up and the rider is holding the macguffin, and the kid looks at the macguffin and screams, and everyone in the entire village can hear it. Birds scatter, etc. The kid wakes up and the fairy is there and they meet, and then they have to fuck off because--

    Bar.

    And they're outside on the porch, we really needed a visualization to get there Saccoccio, and the bitch from the first passage is there, and maybe she's the kids mom or something? Not really clear.

    Dani and the kid walk through the village, and it's super important to the plot. Some other fucking elf is moving rock out of another elf's garden. He's being made to...some...how. So the kid throws on of the stones at the house, and tells the toiling elf that he's totally there for him, and he's gonna burn that elf's house down, he just has to do other stuff right now. Then he fucks off again.

    They walk through the village and everyone's gathering together to turn in their weapons, and it's super sad you guys, because Saccoccio says so. Some pretty elf bint hollers at Aithein and he has to go talk to her...

    And then we're done with the whole flashback. We're back with "the man" and "the boy" that I hope you've come to loathe as much as I have. The man is playing a flute, and the boy is like "you play that flute good." And the man is all, "have some food." So they do.

    The End.

    Then there's an afterward, which is another level of fuckery. Saccoccio has to name everyone he's met in the past 15 years, and give a really creepy tribute to their lives together. Among these is his editor who:
    This sentence is exhibit A in why I don't believe this person exists. If he did he'd probably tell Saccoccio that everyone in the afterward does not need their name in H7.

    Writing:
    The whole passages thing is the worst here that it's ever been. There's one that is literally a paragraph long. And there's a bar sepparating the time that Aithein wakes up and the time he walks out of his house. There is no rational explanation for this, other than that Saccoccio suddenly thought he was writing a screenplay. It's gone far beyond distracting and is deeply into annoying at this point. More than anything else that would be my biggest barrier to reading any more of these books.

    Weird phrases all over, etc, but the one I'm going to leave you with is the last line in the book
    (emphasis added)
    That's the opening line from at least 20 different, incest themed, twilight fanfictions.

    Thoughts:
    Insofar as a story has a beginning, middle, and end, this is not a story. If there is a conflict it doesn't show up until Aethein is told he has to come to the talking tree, which happens on page 79 of 90! Even if I was reading a 600 page fantasy novel this would be entirely unacceptable to me. 80 pages in is far far too late to try and hold my interest.

    If we wanted to recap the events of the story as they happened they would be:
    Boy shows up at his fathers
    Father shows boy his past
    Father is born
    Battle happens
    Boy/father talk about it for a bit
    Father gets called to see a talking tree.

    None of that needs 80 pages! But there has to be room for spell names, descriptions of the history of every race on earth, and Saccoccio's insane worldview. If you were to task Alex Jones with writing a fantasy novel, and pumped him full of DMT, then tore half the pages out at random, this is what you would get. It's a loosely defined chain of events, held together by preaching narrative, plot holes, and the worst language use I've ever seen on a published work.

    I'll miss getting to write these posts, though, so if you've enjoyed reading them, it was almost all worth it.
     
  13. Mckk

    Mckk Member Supporter Contributor

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    @Jack Asher I'm a little sad this has to end. Your reviews were hilarious to read :D I could tell from your final review that you were about ready to burn the book and the author with it lol.
     
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  14. Krispee

    Krispee Contributor Contributor

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    @Jack Asher - Do you really believe all that stuff in his thanks?
    I`m not convinced that he didn`t make some of that up too. Some of it was kind of weird.

    My own impressions of the book, even though I skipped a lot, was primarily that it didn`t make enough sense as a story. Leaving the the writing style aside I think he needed to spend much more time working his story through. I know fantasy is another level of difficult when it comes to organizing and keeping track of the story because it is a whole world you are building, but it has to been done.

    Anyway, thanks for starting this thread, it`s been interesting.
     
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  15. Jack Asher

    Jack Asher Banned Contributor

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    I would say that whether it happened or not, Saccoccio believes it happened to him. But do I believe that he went sailing off into open water as a child, caught rare fish, and came home drenched in their blood? No. No I don't believe that.
     
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  16. ShannonH

    ShannonH Senior Member Contest Winner 2023

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    That sounds like an interesting read.

    I get the impression Saccoccio seems to believe his stories and the other bs he spouts.
     
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  17. doggiedude

    doggiedude Contributor Contributor

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    I feel the need to write about a character named Saccoccio now.
     
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  18. Jack Asher

    Jack Asher Banned Contributor

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    "Collectivism is a tool of enslavement!" He told his raid group, as he wiped them for the 5th time.
     
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  19. Jack Asher

    Jack Asher Banned Contributor

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    So...
    Here's something terrible. You can watch him read the thing here.
     
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  20. Raven484

    Raven484 Contributor Contributor

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    Reading chapter 2, will give notes as I read:
    Good start to chapter, we meet a woman running with her baby to escape a city, yet to know why though.

    He then starts what looks like a dungeons and dragons user guide. Starting with 2 pages of what blood magic is.

    Nearly fell asleep reading the next couple pages. He is trying to explain the region and the politics of the cities. Totally incomprehensible, I read it twice and still don't know what he wants us to understand.

    He keeps naming all these cities like you know the geography of his world, really confused now.

    Eight pages into the chapter and the girl still does not know where to take here baby. My head might explode from the details he is giving for the region. If I was her, I wouldn't know where to go either. Each place is described as being more fucked up than the other.

    Next couple pages he introduces a fishlike race and some kind of tree people. He tells of alliances between different regions that the readers have no idea about. Also sets up some kind of trade and commerce that is really boring to read about. All this and the woman decides she can't go in this direction because its too dangerous.

    Finally she heads south, even with her Mana being low. So sad using Mana in a story. I must have missed it, but I guess south is the least dangerous. I reread these 12 pages and still have no sense of direction.

    He goes to a break and suddenly its Summer. The above happens in winter I believe, so there is some kind of time shift I guess forward. Its a one page break that basically describes that there is war in the air and lions and wolves are attacking people more than usual. Then it breaks again.

    The next three pages have two story breaks, or scenes I guess. One describes an army that is on the side of the old man in the prologue. The other I think is lead by a some scary dude that uses women warriors. Its a nice break because at least for three pages you can understand the descriptions a little. But no reason on why they are marching to war with I think each other.

    A four page break back to the woman with the baby. She finds water and then is attacked by a bear. She uses Ice magic to kill it, but it swipes her with its claws and injures her. She, I think, passes out. A one page scene that he takes four pages to describe. It wasn't that bad though. Probably the best understandable four pages so far.

    Another two page break describing how the armies are now face to face. One has a guy in charge that I think is some kind of master of illusions and shadow magic. The other is lead by a woman who masters blood magic and is some kind of necromancer. Also with the woman is a man that is part of a race that only has a male born every hundred years. He is some kind of king to these women and is described as having reptilian skin. Again not bad writing on these two pages, just you don't know why they are getting ready to fight.

    One page break back to the dying lady and her baby. Some kind of tree people have shown up with fairies at there sides. One takes the baby and senses that they are ancient companions of some sort. The mother watches as she is dying. Not bad, although who the tree people are is beyond me.

    A one page break where a shaman is introduced to cast a protection spell on the men before they fight the women warriors. Very juvenile in my opinion. Readable though.

    Half page break back to the woman. The tree people vow to protect her as she thinks of her husband. Not much to it.

    Nine page break as the war begins. We learn that the husband of the women running with the baby is the leader of the Shadowlight army. They fight, hurling spells back and forth at each other. No clear winner yet. Not bad fight scene with some cheesy magic thrown in. The lady necromancer is kind of cool, raising the dead to fight her enemy. Best nine pages so far, and they are cheesy at best.

    Two page break as the woman dies and the tree people have her son. The said they would protect her with their magic, but she dies shortly after anyway. How weak. A long two pages as she vows to be with her son always if she can.

    Last four pages move us back to the present, I guess. We are back with the old man who has drugged the boy prince. The old man begs forgiveness to his wife and wants to keep the boy on so he can learn the rest of the story. Apparently it is the boy's fathers past in some way.

    Very confusing so far, no Why to this story at all so far. Reading this makes me want to start drinking again. I find myself rereading things to see if I missed something to help explain it all. But I have found nothing to give me the Why so far.

    It's like Jack wrote above, I think half the pages in this story are missing to make sense of it all.
     
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  21. Raven484

    Raven484 Contributor Contributor

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    Chapter 3:

    Fifteen long pages of the man and boy having a conversation about the boys vision. All in all just a metaphor saying all men are heroes and villains depending on your perspective of the situation. It wasn't too hard to read. Easily his best chapter. The man it turns out is a king. He is trying to show the boy what it is to be king, I think. The chapter was a little long, but it had some substance.
    At the end of the chapter the boy decides to go to the dream world again to see the past.
    He does kind of throw how he despises banking systems down your throat though. Not sure why he needed it here in the story. I guess he thought writing ten pages of readable material was enough for the reader, back to his opinions again.
     
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  22. ShannonH

    ShannonH Senior Member Contest Winner 2023

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    Perhaps it's just a case of Saccoccio operating on a higher plain of consciousness that we just can't comprehend.
     
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  23. Krispee

    Krispee Contributor Contributor

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    That`s probably it, we are not the enlightened ones.
     
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  24. ShannonH

    ShannonH Senior Member Contest Winner 2023

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    I'm almost tempted to try, to see if I can understand his brilliance.
     
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  25. Jack Asher

    Jack Asher Banned Contributor

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    I think he was king, but decided that being king was for losers for...reasons that Saccoccio tells us without really telling us. In the meantime I don't know who the fuck is running his country. It must be someone, because the kid wants to become king. Like he had to have been exposed to the idea of kings and central government at some point, in order to want to become king.
     
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