1. martial_wolf
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    martial_wolf Member

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    A little question about a part of a passage.

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by martial_wolf, Jun 14, 2011.

    I wrote this sentence and realized that it could be one of two things; acceptable or absolutely terrible. How do you all feel about it? I'll include the one before it for a tiny bit more fluidity.

    "He was born with hunting in his veins. That blood would not let him down, but rather seemed to spark his appetite for the chase, it fed him with the moment of decision and let him drink in the kill."

    I'm leaning on the side of overkill.
     
  2. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    I think you should listen to your instincts.

    Overkill indeed. And an oddly appropriate label.
     
  3. Melzaar the Almighty
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    Melzaar the Almighty Contributing Member Contributor

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    I think it'd be passable or even fine if you stopped at "chase", really. :)
     
  4. martial_wolf
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    martial_wolf Member

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    Thanks guys :)
     
  5. Ice Queen
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    Ice Queen Senior Member

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    I thought it was good as it is actually; I have to say I actually like the bit about 'drinking in the kill'. Seems appropriate to a kind of fierce hunter.
     
  6. WriterDude
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    WriterDude Contributing Member Contributor

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    Same here. I would let "It fed him..." start a new sentence to make it flow better, but it's fine otherwise.
     
  7. EdFromNY
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    EdFromNY Hope to improve with age Supporter Contributor

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    I agree with Mel. That's really the end of the sentence. The following phrase, if you were going to use it at all (I wouldn't), should be a separate sentence.
     
  8. Trish
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    Trish I've been deleted.. again Contributor

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    I agree with Mel and Ed. However, if you are really attached to them I think they need a little tweaking. "drinking in the kill" is a bit of imagery that is best left unimagined, to me anyway. Something like this might help...

    "He was born with hunting in his veins. That blood would not let him down, but rather sparked his appetite for the chase. It fed him at the moment of decision as he moved in silently for the kill."
     
  9. jo3bo
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    jo3bo Member

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    Hi, I'm going to second everything that others have said, but there are a few other bits I think need a tiny bit of tweaking.

    By using "but" here, you are implying that the first part of the sentence would not necessarily suggest the second. However, I don't think, from my understanding at least, this sounds right. The blood that runs through his veins is what spurs on his appetite, not something contradictory. So I would probably omit "but" then replace it with "and" or equivalent. Maybe this isn't necessary, but I think it might read a little better. Or, perhaps, If you do want to keep the "but", re-write it as something like this: "Not only would that blood keep him vigilant, but also fueled his appetite for the chase." (Bear in mind, this is just a suggestion off the top of my head that, I'm sure, you could put more eloquently)

    This is the last thing I think you could take a look at. I'm not sure being fed "the moment of decision" makes much sense as it stands. Aside from the imagery of being fed a moment, even without this blood in veins (that makes him such a good hunter) at every moment he would still have to make a decision. I have worded this very clumsily, and I apologize, but what I'm trying to get at, as Trish suggested by adding the "at", is that the blood presumably enhances his decision making in these moments it doesn't "feed" them to him.

    Otherwise, once you've tightened up the imagery, I think your character will appear a very formidable and experienced hunter :)
     
  10. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    i'm sure lord lytton would have approved of it as is...
     

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