1. Kw93
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    Kw93 New Member

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    Adding more detail

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Kw93, Aug 6, 2012.

    What can I do to practice adding more detail into scenes in stories? I have trouble using the correct words, I can visualise a scene but cannot put it into words. For example, a bar, I can see the everything, the people drinking, playing pool and socialising. However I have trouble describing in detail.

    What do you do to practice writing in such detail? And what do you do to learn and memorise new words to use?
     
  2. captain kate
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    captain kate Active Member

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    your description is fine, it just needs some fine tuning. Fans of popular frachises, Star wars, Star Trek, etc have an idea how things look so more generalized description works. I took your first paragraph, cut it into two, and got the effect you're looking for. See what you think.


    Taris’ upper city reminded people of Coruscant, only the architecture was different. Unlike the capital city’s blocky buildings, Taris’ were rounded, with less holoscreens and commercials to light them. The city seemed rich, and old fashioned compared against the capital’s industrial infrastructure.

    unlike Coruscant, Taris boomed with tourist traffic, visitors attracted to the ruins on Malaks Sith Fleet attack 4000 years ago. The streets were clean, maintenance druids keeping things clean, and the people were happy compared to the lower city dwellers.

     
  3. Kw93
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    Kw93 New Member

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    That is brilliant, it has more of a flow to it than my paragraph. When you started off writing were your sentence structure similar to mine? If so how did you manage to improve on it?
     
  4. captain kate
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    captain kate Active Member

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    I ended up writing a lot to improve it, to be honest. There's no magic bullet to make yourself better, but hard work. Description falls into a less is more category in my opinion, but there are many minds about it anyway. You have the Stephen King's of the world, who like to describe to minute detail, while there are minimalists, and ones in between. You just have to find your own voice through trial and error.

    Check you PM box though.
     
  5. B93
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    B93 Active Member

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    I think what you need, and Kate has done, is to
    -replace generic words with specific examples that suggest what you intend,
    -take out most of the occurrences of more and less. Usually just state what is.
    -and look for ways to say the same thing in simple declarative sentences with fewer words, so you have room for more examples.

    When you do make a comparison, lead with the main subject. Taris is less industrial, rather than Coruscant is more.

    Although we shouldn't get into general critique in this forum category, I would suggest you review comma spliced run-on sentences. Cutting those up into simple sentences may give the descriptions more punch and will make it easier to expand each thought.

    When you picture a bar, don't just mention a lot of bottles. Have the bartender take a Tarisian bourbon from the array of multicolored bottles filling the space below the mirror. He doesn't serve it to a man who looks like a construction worker. He pours a shot and sets it in front of a redheaded man who is rolling up a fluorescent vest and stuffing it in a hardhat along with a pair of gloves.

    If the people look happy, what would an observer see that indicates that?

    The fact that ... made her get stared at. Put the main point first - People stared at her as if they rarely saw aliens.

    Often the target - what did they do to her last visit to indicate prejudice?
     

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