1. blackstar21595
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    blackstar21595 Contributing Member

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    Am I "showing" this correctly?

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by blackstar21595, May 12, 2013.

    San was behind the three-point line. He shot the ball at the basket, which swished as the ball went in.

    "Nice three," said Boris,his teammate, who caught the rebound.

    San stuck his hand out. "Pass it."

    Boris passed the ball to him.

    My question for this is, do I show San ignoring what Boris said through his actions? Or do I need to revise this?
     
  2. sanco
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    sanco Contributing Member

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    I got that straight away actually, due to the fact that most people would reply with a "thanks" just out of politeness.
     
  3. Anthelionryu
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    Anthelionryu Member

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    I live in a different world. I missed it completely because most men I know communicate like this naturally. Call it machismo; I don't know the reason but it's almost taboo to use common pleasantries like "thank you" for something like that. In other words, Boris is supposed to know instinctively that Sans is thankful for the compliment. But if he says it he loses 'man' cred.

    In this scene are you trying to show that Sans is miffed at Boris for some reason?
     
  4. thirdwind
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    thirdwind Contributing Member Contest Administrator Reviewer Contributor

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    I understood what was going on, too.

    I do have two unrelated concerns/suggestions. One is that the basket cannot swish. A swish means the ball went through the basket without touching the rim or backboard, so you could say something like, "The shot was a swish." Second, getting the ball after a shot has been made isn't considered a rebound. Boris merely caught the ball; he didn't rebound it.
     
  5. sanco
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    sanco Contributing Member

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    I'm familiar with that, but I'd still expect some sort of acknowledgement. A look, a wink, a nod, a "cheers". "Pass it" conveys something like San is annoyed at Boris and doesn't want to talk to him or San's one of those guys that just wants to focus on shooting hoops instead of interacting socially.
     
  6. The Peanut Monster
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    The Peanut Monster Senior Member

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    I missed it, had to re-read a couple of times to get it. Maybe something about how San just looks at the ball, or doesn't make eye contact with Boris would have driven it home for me.
     
  7. rhduke
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    rhduke Contributing Member Reviewer

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    I missed it as well. I didn't expect him to say "thanks" or anything. That would be kinda corny. It seemed natural for him to just ask for the ball and keep the game going.

    I don't think you have to edit San's actions. You could add a reaction from Boris when San asks for the ball. Like maybe Boris was smiling when he complimented him, but after San ignored him, his smiled dimmed. Okay, maybe not smiling, but something similar to that effect.

    ^ Lack of eye contact works too
     
  8. Xatron
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    Xatron Contributing Member

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    I missed it too. When I and my friends play basketball we don't usually respond verbally to such comments but rather nod or gesture in acknowledgment so I wouldn't expect him to respond verbally in the first place.

    Or you can mention it yourself, like this:
     
  9. Yoshiko
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    Yoshiko Contributing Member Contributor

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    I didn't get any impression that San was ignoring Boris.
     
  10. TerraIncognita
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    TerraIncognita Aggressively Nice Person Contributor

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    I missed it as well and this was also what I was thinking. A smile, a nod, or just any non verbal communication is a more common response in situations like that. At least in my experience.

    I agree with the others that lack of eye contact or refusing to look in his general direction are much better ways to convey that he was ignoring him.
     
  11. AshleyFinn
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    AshleyFinn Member

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    How would he normally react to something like that? To me he wasn't ignoring him. I don't expect something in return when I'm showing respect.

    But with regards your intention, I think in this particular situation we need to be shown a previous experience where San gives some sort of sign of agreement to the compliment. that's how I would handle it. Maybe in other instances he always responded "Nothing to it." or "You know it."
     
  12. Xatron
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    Xatron Contributing Member

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    If one responded verbally to everyone that said something like "nice shot" or the like, he would be out of breath in 10 minutes.
     
  13. AshleyFinn
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    AshleyFinn Member

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    I don't see how this is relevant. A 3 pointer is not routine so he would have plenty of breath.
     
  14. Xatron
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    Xatron Contributing Member

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    Really? That's your argument, that one should always respond to 3-pointer compliments but not 2-pointer?
     
  15. EdFromNY
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    EdFromNY Hope to improve with age Supporter Contributor

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    A different issue - if the ball swished through the net, there couldn't be a rebound.
     
  16. AshleyFinn
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    AshleyFinn Member

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    It doesn't matter. What matters is what this character normally does. Poke holes in the story all you want but it's irrelevant to the topic.
     
  17. blackstar21595
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    blackstar21595 Contributing Member

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    I appreciate what everyone has said. Since only 1 out of 10 people got the "ignoring," it definitely means it needs to be reworked. The main thing I wanted to do was show ignoring as oppose to telling the reader" he's ignoring him,"(something that someone said to do.) and I'll definitely use the lack of contact to drive home that point. And thanks for the mention of the rebound, silly how I've been playing basketball for how long and I always thought that any time you get the ball back from hitting the basket, it was a rebound.
     
  18. TerraIncognita
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    TerraIncognita Aggressively Nice Person Contributor

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    Glad to help. :)
     
  19. blackstar21595
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    blackstar21595 Contributing Member

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    I :love: all of you. Except for Michael O.
     
  20. thirdwind
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    thirdwind Contributing Member Contest Administrator Reviewer Contributor

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    The way I interpreted this is that San just stuck his hand out without giving any other response. So I took this to mean that he was ignoring Boris, though he may have heard what Boris said. Part of my interpretation also comes from experience. If you compliment some of the people I play with or say anything positive, they usually just ignore it. On the other hand, if you say something like, "You suck at defense," you're more likely to get a response. That's just how it is.
     

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