1. Vernalire
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    Vernalire Member

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    AMEIR: THE MAN ON BOTH SIDES

    Discussion in 'Fantasy' started by Vernalire, Aug 5, 2016.

    Ameir Henson cares about the fate of his mother Jean and older brother Aidan, more than the billions of innocent lives that are at stake.

    Ameir finally encounters his runaway big brother after three years growing up without him, but it's not the joyful reunion he's fantasised about. Instead, Ameir suspects Aiden is working for the vicious warlord who's kidnapped their mother and wants Ameir as well. The warlord knows Ameir poses a dormant arcane power that could easily rival his own one day. However if the warlord can control Ameir now, using his mother as leverage, he'll be unstoppable in his plans to destroy the core planets.

    Now Ameir must make a drastic decision: confront the warlord and possibly save billions, or give in to the warlord to save his beloved family.

    AMEIR:ABSOLUTION is a YA fantasy and YA ADVENTURE novel at 80,000 words. I thank you for your time and consideration!

    And the alternative.

    Billions of lives are at stake, but Ameir Henson cares more about the fate of his mother Jean and older brother Aidan.

    Ameir Henson cares about the fate of his mother Jean and older brother Aidan, more than the billions of innocent lives that are at stake.

    A formidable masked warlord named Abrasion sets his sites on conquering the Henderbock solar system and they are utterly terrified. Abrasion commands his men to abduct Ameir and his mother, knowing Ameir has a dormant arcane power that could easily rival his own. But if Abrasion can control Ameir now, using his mother as leverage, he'll be unstoppable. Fortunately two super-powered men swiftly rescue Ameir. However, Jean isn't as fortunate. Ameir's rescuers agree to help Ameir retrieve his mother, but before they can even start their quest, Ameir and the group have a brief encounter with an embittered Aidan. It's far from the glamorous reunion that Ameir's been fantasizing about for the past 3 years. Before Ameir and the group can gain anymore ground on rescuing Jean, they quickly find themselves being framed for murder by Abrasion, in efforts to divert attention away from his scheme to destroy the core planets, killing billions.

    Now a galactic terrorist, Ameir must make a drastic decision: confront Abrasion and possibly save billions, or give in to Abrasion to save his beloved family.

    AMEIR:ABSOLUTION is a YA fantasy and YA ADVENTURE novel at 80,000 words. I thank you for your time andconsideration!


    Which is better. I'm gridlocked. Be harsh with feedback!
     
  2. Shadowfax
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    Shadowfax Contributing Member Contributor

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    First off, Vernalire, you must get your SPAG issues sorted. You may be able to get away with some in your MS, but if your query letter is dotted with them, it'll end up in the bin faster than...

    Having read your other threads, you seem to have got a one-dimensional view of children and how moody teenagers ARE - not can be. You seem happy to have an 11/12 year old because that's before the age of teenage angst, and resistant to making him 13 because now he'll be a moody, defiant teenager, rebelling against parental authority. But you also want him to be an independent young man who'll take on a planet-destroying maniac - if ever there was a time for some rebelliousness, it's then! And, while there are plenty of examples of boys of that age doing great things (William the Conqueror was only about 8 when he became Duke of Normandy, and he went on to unify his duchy and take the crown of England), they were generally "chosen ones" who had been raised from childhood being trained in their greatness (and William was nearly 40 before he invaded England, and spent the rest of his life subduing resistance), not just some snotty-nosed kid from Backwoodsville.

    Incidentally, I can remember as a young teen reading books that were obviously (I can see it now!) YA, with a young hero, and thinking "how on earth is that kid that good?" It was incredible then, and it would be incredible now. You're sidestepping his need for an education by introducing a latent power; but even Luke had to be taught how to use it by Yoda.

    I'm no authority, but your synopsis sounds more suitable for a DC/Marvel Comics treatment.
     
  3. Tenderiser
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    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    @Vernalire I think you need an introduction to your post explaining what you're asking. Not everyone will have seen your other thread. :)
     

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