1. Computerbug

    Computerbug Member

    Jul 14, 2011
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    Any ideas on how to improve these ideas or make them more fitting to their theme?

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Computerbug, Aug 27, 2011.

    Okay, so I've been doing tons of storyline development in my comic lately and In my comic there are different demons that control their own realms, each one for one of the 7 deadly sins, but in my comic they corrupt ones mind during possession so the person's history and memories get mixed up with the demonic hellish visions. So here are my ideas for what they'll be like, I mostly want your opinions on how to improve them to help represent the sin better or give the areas more variety, any help at all would be appreciated.

    Eviro=Dystopian futuristic factory polluting the brain and shutting it down slowly paralyzing the person. The tormented souls there are forced to constantly be on the run from the demon's machines that drain all energy from anything that has it.
    Demon=Towering cyborg monster that is attached to the
    walls by cords and pipes and has covered his limbs in huge mechanical devices to minimalize work.

    Enviro=An enormous estate who's condition mimics the sense of self adornment that the demon shares and slowly crumbles and warps as the demon becomes corrupt and rotted. The tormented souls here are at first rather normal butlers and servants put their features quickly take a more disturbing turn as they quite literally turn into the demon's puppets.
    Symbol=A crown
    Demon=handsome superstar that slowly decays into a patchwork
    hunchback with needles in his back, black holes for eyes, rotted teeth,
    and features like a clockwork fortune teller (see Zoltar). He has needles for fingertips to sew up his ripping skin and talks to a variety of finger puppets to keep himself feeling important and to hear his own voice.

    Enviro=Forrest filled with arm covered trees and eyes that follow you wherever you go and various shadowy figures are constantly trying to steal from you. And the tormented souls are constantly being pick-pocketed and watched by everything.
    Demon= Shadow creature covered with eyes and
    can generate limbs when needed.

    Enviro=nightmare carnival full of freaks and rides where tormented starving souls are always surrounded by food but if they eat it they will slowly turn into it and be sent to the demon who will digest them for eternity.
    Symbol= mouth full of teeth
    Demon=Giant blob covered in drooling mouths
    and has stocky limbs.

    Eviro=Small city with patches of flesh on the buildings as you get farther to the center it becomes more overgrown with scum and organs. No ideas for the tortured souls here.
    Demon=Extremely thin woman with clouded eyes, huge lips,
    Unnatural tan skin, really long nails, a fur coat
    and smokes cigs. And has tentacle like appendages for legs.

    Eviro=Volcanic island filled with witch-doctor relics and pagan idols among other strange tribal stuff.
    Demon=Towering Islander with a flaming tiki for a head, jewlery made of bones, and lots of creepy voodoo trinkets. He has many tribal tatoos and piercings all over his body.

    Eviro=Huge city with 2 enourmous arms protecting it from intruders. It's filled with crime and violence and countless street gangs that torment the spirits there.
    Symbol=Open hand
    Demon=Hulking demonic mob-boss with pinstripe suit, tiny wings, rocky skin, and tons of rings on his squared off bulky hands.

    That took forever. If you actually took the time to read that then I will now get out my slop clap processor.

    *CLAP*.... *CLAP*... *CLAP*...

    Good that's still working...
  2. Heather

    Heather Contributing Member

    Mar 28, 2010
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    Some points you may like to consider for each of the worlds:

    1. What are the people/other inhabitants like? Do they differ from world to world?
    2. How did they get to each of them, and how are they interrelated?
    3. Many of your worlds seem very cliche (greed = boss in suit), and perhaps that would make your worlds and demons a bit 2-dimentional for the readers. My adivce, mix it up a bit and maybe move away from some of the cliches.
    4. You said that the demons possess the people's minds so that they infect their memories ect, but how do they do it, why do they do it, and what sort of things would they actually do.

    These are just a few points I picked out for you to consider, and hopefully they will give you some of the answers you were looking for.
  3. Cogito

    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

    May 19, 2007
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    Massachusetts, USA
    Don't write by committee. Come up with and develop your own ideas. That is what a writer does.
  4. mugen shiyo

    mugen shiyo Contributing Member

    Apr 8, 2011
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    New York, NY
    I like envy and gluttony's realm. That's kinda creepy. I don't think it's the realms themselves you need to sharpen, but the characters interactions with or inside them. I think the realms are fine as they are though Lust could use some work. It implies more repulsion than anything. Whether wild and sudden or slow and implacable, lust's purely physical seduction should be displayed as such. Like a drug except lust doesn't seem necessarily harmful in and of itself.

    And Greed. Greed, I think, can use more work. Mobsters and gangsters stand for multiple sins. Not really specific enough to be metaphorical. Perhaps he comes into a green lit cave full of scrawny people with greedy eyes and daggers that hiss and reach out to you, always eying you. Actually, there doesn't seem that much of a difference between greed and envy.

    The seven sins were originally listed as other sins. Perhaps you don't need to use Greed and Envy, but substitute Envy- which is simply greed for another persons possessions, with Apathy, which is the loss of drive, hope, or ambition. Similar to Sloth also...

    How about malice. Malice is different than anger or wrath. Wrath is provoked. Malice is the mere, natural will to cause harm to others around you. To harm and to spite without provocation. If there is truly a person who does bad things without any sort of provocation, then Malice would fit them well, and could be symbolized by anything resembling a Saw movie.
  5. Computerbug

    Computerbug Member

    Jul 14, 2011
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    I actually chose a mob-boss for greed because he is the last one encountered and is supposed to be extremely powerful and kind of like a boss in a way but not quite satan. Thanks for the advice Mugen, I'm working on lust but it's hard to display in a comic without being explicit so that one has been kinda slow in development. As for greed, you guys seem to really dislike him but several people I know said that he was their favorite character design, I'll try to find extra ways to add my own twist to the idea then, to make it more original. I just need him to represent a sort of leader but also represent greed. I'll work on it, thanks everyone for the help.

    Oh and Heather, basically all of those questions are answered in the story, no need to worry. ;-)

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