1. Defender
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    Defender Senior Member

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    As overpopulation/ or Overpopulation?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Defender, Feb 16, 2016.

    Hi, I am trying to figure out the proper way to state my sentence. Is it "As overpopulation and unrest caused this organization to be formed." or is it : " This organization was formed to deal with overpopulation." ?
     
  2. Tenderiser
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    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    The first version is really awkward. I'd go with the second.
     
  3. Defender
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    Defender Senior Member

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    Okay, thanks for the advice!
     
  4. Defender
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    Defender Senior Member

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    P.S, then how would i go about phrasing that if i were to try and combine these two sentences that more or less resemble my idea?
    I'm sorry i said that wrong, I mean, if i were to try and state my concept using these two sentences, what would i say?

    Sentence #1 : "As overpopulation and unrest mounted on Earth, a new organization is formed."
    Sentence# 2 : "organization dedicated to scientific advancement."
     
  5. Tenderiser
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    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    As overpopulation and unrest mounted on Earth, an organisation dedicated to scientific advancement was formed.

    No need to say "new" organisation because "formed" already tells you it's new.

    If possible, I would say who formed it rather than "was formed." The government, scientists, a character's name, whatever.

    As overpopulation and unrest mounted on Earth, XX formed an organisation dedicated to scientific advancement.
     
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  6. Robert Musil
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    Robert Musil Contributing Member

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    For starters, your tenses don't agree. The first half of the sentence is past tense, the second half is present tense. It should either be "overpopulation and unrest mount"(making it present tense), or "a new organization was formed."(making it past tense)

    Sentence #2 isn't a sentence, so much as it's an adjectival phrase modifying "organization". As such, I'd think you could just stick it after "organization", offset by commas, i.e

    "As overpopulation and unrest mounted on Earth, a new organization, dedicated to scientific advancement, was formed."

    I second @Tenderiser 's suggestion to reformat it as active voice if possible, but that would require identifying someone doing the forming.
     
  7. Defender
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    Defender Senior Member

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    well i think you are right, but i don't know yet who formed it, i just know it was formed to find a way to get human off of Earth....
    Hey, do you think i should include something along that line, you know describing the reason for their formation, that way it kinda hints to the ones who formed them?
     
  8. Tenderiser
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    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    If you don't know who formed it I assume it isn't important to the story, so I'd just say "scientists" or "researchers" and leave it at that.
     
  9. Defender
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    Defender Senior Member

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    Yes, i am so sorry about that, its that the the above sentence were written for a different contex than the adjectival phrase, with a different tense, i forgot to make them agree, thank you for pointing that out!
    i will change it immediately. :0
     
  10. Defender
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    Defender Senior Member

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    Okay then, so how would i introduce the fact that they were created to deal with overpopulation, and that they discovered terraforming?
    I thought i would ask because it is a very important detail that i intend to make key to the story's development.

    "spurring the colonization of the Solar System. Golden Age, a centuries-long era of widespread prosperity and technological miracles, begins."
    "The colony ship Odyssey was the first ship to carry terraforming gear out into the solar system, thanks to its discovery by the xx organization."
    ????
     
  11. Tenderiser
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    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    For this draft, just write it as it comes. What you've just written will be fine. Then, when you have an entire novel, leave it to rest for at least a month. When you come back to it, any awkward phrasing should jump right out at you.

    A first draft isn't the place to be worrying about getting every word right. Trust me: I'm writing one now, too. :D
     
  12. Defender
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    Defender Senior Member

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    Okay,its just that this is the second draft. i have been working on this since December, and I wanted to begin third draft this December, but cant refine my writing, it is a mess!
    Oh, and Good Luck with your story, i am sure it will be a work of Genius! :D

    LOL, these little smiley faces are hysterical, especially the animated ones!
    :supermad: This is what i look like every time i write and i scrap it ! LOL
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2016
  13. Defender
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    Defender Senior Member

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    Okay..Okay...one more question, and then i promise i wont worry about wording until draft three, how does this sound ?
    • The present day- As overpopulation and unrest mount on Earth, an organization dedicated to scientific advancement is formed and tasked with attempting to avert the crises of the next century by solving governmental unification issues of colonizing non-Earth territories.

    • The technological innovation of terraforming half a century later, allowed Earth governments to construct its first line of colony ships - led by Odyssey - to initiate the expansion of human habitation, relieving the growing pressure of overpopulation on Earth. spurring the colonization of the Solar System. The Golden Age, a centuries-long era of widespread prosperity and technological miracles, begins.
     
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2016
  14. Tenderiser
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    Tenderiser Not a man Contest Administrator Supporter Contributor

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    Overlong with filler words, a comma splice and a sentence fragment. But FINE for a first draft, really. :D
     
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  15. Defender
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    Defender Senior Member

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    Second, its a second draft, but i am done with worrying about wording, and i will use what you just said to improve it. Okay, i will stick to my promise, you wont find me here again until final draft!

    :write: ( Now i love these little things :))
     

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