1. Darkhorse

    Darkhorse Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2013
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    3

    Avoiding ambiguity: the tree trunks grew thicker

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Darkhorse, May 20, 2013.

    I wrote the sentence below today and I realised that it was ambiguous and probably grammatically incorrect. I don't want the reader to think the trees are visibly growing as the MC walks; rather, I would like to convey that the tree trunks are very large, and increasingly so, relative to those at the edge of the forest. I could say so explicitly, as I have done just then, but that seems unwieldy and wordy.

    Do you have any tips for eliminating ambiguity?

    [Not sure if this is a valid discussion or a problem due to the first day back writing in a while.]



    Or, maybe as below, which I also don't like.
     
  2. GingerCoffee

    GingerCoffee Web Surfer Girl Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2013
    Messages:
    18,385
    Likes Received:
    7,080
    Location:
    Ralph's side of the island.
    Is the board acting up? You have duplicate threads 5 minutes apart.

    I'm not that partial to either one. I need more info.

    I don't think it's ambiguous. But what is it you are trying to convey? Does the change in tree size have a purpose? Is the forest just getting denser?

    This one's too wordy. Or maybe the word choices are bothering me. "He noticed" hmmm, needs more, like a reaction that tells us something about how he felt besides 'noticed'. Was it ominous? What did thicker trunks mean to the character?
     
  3. Ian J.

    Ian J. Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2012
    Messages:
    298
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    London, England
    Personally, I wouldn't worry about using a few more words to help avoid ambiguity. Trying to keep things so short and terse doesn't always work and almost always invites a lack of clarity. But it doesn't necessarily follow that short = ambiguous or long = clear!

    Anyhoo, I have no problem with the length of the second version. It could do with some 'colour' though. 'Walked' is a bit basic, and 'trunks' and 'thicker' are a bit, too.

    For what it's worth, this is what I felt was trying to come across in the sentence:

     
  4. Thomas Kitchen

    Thomas Kitchen Proofreader in the Making Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 5, 2012
    Messages:
    1,248
    Likes Received:
    448
    Location:
    I'm Welsh - and proud!
    I think either sentence is fine, but I wouldn't use the word "grew" - it made me think that they were literally growing before character's eyes. I would possibly use "became thicker." :)
     
  5. KaTrian

    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Contributor

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2013
    Messages:
    6,764
    Likes Received:
    5,393
    Location:
    Funland
    I might drop the whole walking thing if this 3rd person limited? It's like, he wouldn't know this if he hadn't walked there, so you don't have to mention it (of course you can!). Maybe throw some simile there.

    Deep in the woods, the tree trunks were as thick as ______. He could harldy see where he was walking; the foliage was so thick, blotting out the sun...

    I don't know, that just sprung to my mind. I wouldn't probably use "grow" because trees literally grow, so it's a bit confusing.
     
  6. rhduke

    rhduke Member Reviewer

    Joined:
    Mar 15, 2013
    Messages:
    755
    Likes Received:
    192
    Location:
    Canada
    I think the problem here is the word "grew". Grammatically, your first sentence is fine.

     
  7. peachalulu

    peachalulu Member Reviewer Contributor

    Joined:
    May 20, 2012
    Messages:
    4,620
    Likes Received:
    3,807
    Location:
    occasionally Oz , mainly Canada
    Could use actual names of trees -

    As he walked further into the forest, thin trees gave way to wide redwoods.

    - not that thin is an actual name of a tree.
     
  8. mammamaia

    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2006
    Messages:
    19,150
    Likes Received:
    1,034
    Location:
    Coquille, Oregon
    why are there two of these threads?... you need to ask a moderator to combine them..
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice