1. ToeKneeBlack
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    ToeKneeBlack Contributing Member Contributor

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    Bad Jokes and Puns

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by ToeKneeBlack, May 11, 2016.

    I've been trying to cheer myself up when I came up with this little gem;

    Tom fetched more planks while Marta continued to work on sealing the door. This had to work; with only a few more hours to sunrise, they had to survive the night where they were.
    With an impatient tut, Marta dropped her mallet.
    "What's wrong?" asked Tom.
    "I broke a nail," grumbled Marta.
    "There's a werewolf out there and that's what you're worried about?"
    "Yes, I'm running low," she said impatiently, waving the two halves of a snapped metal pin in Tom's face.

    I've got to use that somewhere. Maybe not in my next book, but one day.
    Do you have any bad jokes?
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2016
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  2. Sifunkle
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    Sifunkle Dis Member

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    According to feedback, everything I've ever written...
     
  3. izzybot
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    izzybot Human Disaster Contributor

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    A joke so bad that even the character isn't impressed:
    Spoilers: it was.

    I'm sure I've got more but for the life of me I can't think of them at the moment. I love a good terrible joke.
     
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  4. ManOrAstroMan
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    ManOrAstroMan Magical Space Detective Contributor

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    Here's a couple:

    Why did the lobster blush?
    Because the sea weed.

    What does an accountant do when he's constipated?
    Work it out with a pencil.
     
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  5. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    My avatar is a bad joke. It looks like E.T., a flat faced cat, and an Ewok had a threesome. And roughly a year later that thing popped out. The horror.........o_O
     
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  6. ManOrAstroMan
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    ManOrAstroMan Magical Space Detective Contributor

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    Popped out of what, though?
     
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  7. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    Now that sir is the million dollar question. :superlaugh::superthink:
     
  8. ToBeInspired
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    ToBeInspired Contributing Member

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    "You've got to tell me about what happened last night, I saw you walk out with that nice blonde number," cajoled Bill.
    "Nothing, I told you a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell," replied Jim.
    "So there was a kiss involved, huh?"
    Bill was met by silence.
    "Upper or lower?" Bill smirked.
    "Look, stop fishing. Leave it alone."
    Bill looked at his fishing pole and then at Jim's.
    "You first."
     
  9. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    Head Mistress:
    If you thought I was thinking of a missile when I said I wanted a S.A.M. You would be wrong.
    Now bend over the desk you Smart Ass Masochist. The head mistress has much to teach you.
    Oh my, how we never learn.:supergrin:
     
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  10. DeadMoon
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    DeadMoon Contributing Member Contributor

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    I give you.... bad jokes!!!!!


    I have a deep voice and don't enunciate, meaning I have deep thoughts that I can't understand.

    I’m not a very outgoing person for me being a Socialite is when the light from my computer is on me when I’m on Face book.

    People ask me if I’m in the band, I’ll tell them "No, but you can still buy me drinks while I ignore you.

    The last time I flew to Las Vegas my arms got so tied, I guess it’s because my wife didn’t join me in the mile high club

    Is it bad luck to tell a male porn star to “Not work to hard?”
     
  11. Cave Troll
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    Cave Troll Bite the bullet, do your own thing. Contributor

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    Ron broke his wand. Guess there is a childless future for poor old Ron and his broken wand. :cry:
     
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  12. NiallRoach
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    NiallRoach Contributing Member

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    Those certainly are bad.
     
  13. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    A novelist is signing book for his book tour. He signs one for a pretty girl with a pretty yellow ribbon.
    Then next in a line is a large metal appliance. He comes up to the author.
    "Hey, I'm a huge fan."
    (Sitcom laugh track) I know, I so funny. :p
     
  14. ManOrAstroMan
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    ManOrAstroMan Magical Space Detective Contributor

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    [​IMG]
    Oops. I memed.
     
  15. Mikmaxs
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    Mikmaxs Active Member

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    Bad jokes, as it happens, are a plot point in my story. Here's a short excerpt:


    Adelyn pulled her old coat around her, trying to ignore the ache in her lower back. Deciding to try for a little investigation, both to get answers and distract from the increasingly uncomfortable ride, she asked, “Do you know what Azahim said when all of his waters dried up?”


    David frowned, raising an eyebrow and glancing towards Adelyn. “I thought you said you were a Tarraganian. Azahim is one of the Divinities, right?”


    “The ‘god of the oceans and seas,” Adelyn confirmed. “But it’s a joke. I didn’t convert overnight.”


    Frown deepening, David said, “I told you, I am bad with jokes.”


    “Sure, if you say so,” Adelyn said. “Doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy them. So, what did Azahim say when his waters dried up?”


    “I do not know,” David said, looking back in front of them.


    “I haven’t a notion,” Adelyn smirked. When David didn’t laugh, she added, “An ocean. I haven’t an ocean.”


    David nodded, and Adelyn thought she saw the hint of a smile. “I get it,” he confirmed.
     
  16. Sack-a-Doo!
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    Sack-a-Doo! Contributing Member Contributor

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    My father-in-law habitually carries a pencil in his top pocket and I had to stop making reference to this type of digestive problem because he kept offering me the pencil.
     
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  17. Sack-a-Doo!
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    Sack-a-Doo! Contributing Member Contributor

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    One of the problems with the judicial system is that when you plead self-defense, you're actually saying, "Well, he started it!"

    My mother never bought that one. :rolleyes:
     
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  18. ToeKneeBlack
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    ToeKneeBlack Contributing Member Contributor

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    “You stupid little human!” yelled the big Santa, “That’s the Elf Destruct Button! We’re all doomed!”
     
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  19. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    A boy in English class is bored. He starts messaging a friend from under the table
    After a bit, the teacher notices and comes over.
    "What are you doing under the table with your phone there?" she asks.
    "English work."
    "Oh yes? How so?"
    "It's text-ual analysis."
    (badoom-tish)
     
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  20. No-Name Slob
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    No-Name Slob Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

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    Two stupid puns:

    How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
    look for fresh prints

    What's Forest Gump's password?
    1forest1

    One vulgar joke:

    What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?
    Where you put the cucumber




     
  21. ManOrAstroMan
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    ManOrAstroMan Magical Space Detective Contributor

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    Stealing these
     
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  22. ToeKneeBlack
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    ToeKneeBlack Contributing Member Contributor

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    Before anyone berates me for religious insensitivity, I am a Catholic. With that in mind...

    What does the Pope eat for breakfast?
    Corpus Crispies.
     
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  23. Charlemagne Swift
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    Charlemagne Swift Member

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    Sounds like whenever I tell a joke.

    Can you see a man over there with two wooden feet?
    of course not, you don't use wooden feet to see.

    that joke there is horrible
     
  24. Shadowfax
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    Shadowfax Contributing Member Contributor

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    Seeing a man, with two wooden feet instead of with eyes, would be quite a feat...
     
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  25. Oscar Leigh
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    Oscar Leigh Contributing Member

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    What do you call a deer with no eyes?
    No idea.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
    Still no idea.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and on fire?
    Still no flaming idea.
     
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