1. Garball
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    Garball Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand. Supporter Contributor

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    bad passage?

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Garball, May 15, 2013.

    Does this sentence read ok? I'm having a problem accepting it, but it is stating what I want it to. It is a quoted thought of the MC so it doesn't have to have perfect grammar.

    context: Atheist/agnostic pondering how they sold their soul when they don't believe in religion:

    passage: “Red said he didn’t believe either. Maybe the lack of belief made us easy targets. It sure would be easy to take something from someone that they didn’t even know they had in the first place.”
     
  2. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    "Red said he didn't believe either, that maybe our lack of belief made us easy targets... I'll tell you what though, it sure would be easy to take something from someone that they didn’t even know they had in the first place!"
     
  3. Xatron
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    Xatron Contributing Member

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    “Red said he didn’t believe either. Maybe the lack of belief is what made us easy targets. It would sure be easy to take something from someone when they didn’t even know they had in the first place.”

    That's how I would write it.
     
  4. Garball
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    Garball Sometimes nothing can be a real cool hand. Supporter Contributor

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    thank you both
     
  5. Nee
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    Nee Contributing Member

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    Why are you using quotes for thoughts? Quotes are for spoken dialogue.

    And I need to see the paragraph before and after to say if it fits into the flow of the narration.
     
  6. jazzabel
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    jazzabel Contributing Member Contributor

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    My problem is repetition of the word 'easy' twice. Either repeat the word three times or not at all, it reads better. Also 'something or someone' dilutes the point somehow.
     

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