1. John Franklin Dandridge
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    John Franklin Dandridge Member

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    Bastard of Chivalry query, third try

    Discussion in 'Query & Cover Letter Critique' started by John Franklin Dandridge, May 3, 2016.

    I haven't written the intro or closing for my query yet, but this is the meat of it. Comments and criticism would be appreciated.

    Brandon Calumet doesn’t believe the world is real, but he still has to live in it. As a child, he develops exebellon, a rare condition where one experiences prolonged periods of déjà vu. While most cases of exebellon result in schizophrenia, or other disorders, Brandon struggles to reconcile it with his love of art and girls. But when these struggles converge, they either bring him to transcendence—or madness.

    Growing up in the 1980’s and 90’s, Brandon attempts to form an identity, while being bullied by white kids for not acting ‘black’, and laughed at by black kids for acting ‘white’. These issues evolve entering adulthood, as Brandon finds the bad of everything good in a series of relationships, and then discovers the root of his exebellon within Chicago’s art college scene, near the turn of the century.
     
  2. A.M.P.
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    A.M.P. People Buy My Books for the Bio Photo Supporter Contributor

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    So, this is a YA Coming of Age story set in a 80s black neighborhood?

    My issue is that the second paragraph has nothing to do with the first one.
    Like, just from reading this, I couldn't tell you what the story is about. I can definitely tell the details/highlights you wrote out but if someone tells me to say the main plot/arc, I have no clue.
     
  3. John Franklin Dandridge
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    John Franklin Dandridge Member

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    Yeah, that's what I thought the problem was. It's difficult to sort out a plot because the story is told in vignettes, though there is an overall arc, plot.

    And I guess now is the first time I'm accepting that it's a YA coming of age story. Thank you for leading me to this conclusion. I just had issues with labeling it that., but I suppose it is.
     
  4. A.M.P.
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    A.M.P. People Buy My Books for the Bio Photo Supporter Contributor

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    Instead of focusing on all the events and trying to fit them in two paragraphs, try writing down the general attitude and theme of the work.
    Like, what are the constants throughout his life and how are they always challenging him?
     
  5. John Franklin Dandridge
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    John Franklin Dandridge Member

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    So expand on how the sentence?: Brandon struggles to reconcile it with his love of art and girls. But when these struggles converge, they either bring him to transcendence—or madness.
     
  6. A.M.P.
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    Growing up in the 80s, Brandon Calumet finds it difficult to form an identity when he is too white for his black friends and too black for his white friends. Worse to worse, he develops exebellon, a rare condition of prolonged deja vu periods and often leads to early schizophrenia. Growing up with no identity of his own and constantly between reality and schizophrenia, Brandon struggles to pursue his passion for the arts and the girls he falls in love with.

    I honestly think this is all you need.

    As far as I can think, this alone has all the info we need to understand the character and what the book is about.
     
  7. John Franklin Dandridge
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    John Franklin Dandridge Member

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    I like that direction a lot. Thank you very much.
     

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