I've got a particular problem and I'm not sure where to put it. Or maybe it's only particular to me. I have a problem with characters turning around or rather I have a problem with describing this. First of all, I dislike the description of a character turning around. It feels somehow superfluous. However, I'm not sure exactly how to represent the POV character making an about-face to encounter something behind him or her in a stylistically pleasing way. Let's face it, we all turn around many times during the day so if I describe every time my character turns around it would get monotonous fast. For example, in the story I'm working on, my character makes the following actions. 1. She goes to listen through a door. 2. A moment passes when no noise is heard through the door. 3. An unexpected noise comes from behind her (triggering associated internal thoughts). 4. She, at some point and in some way, has to turn so that she, and the audience, can get a visual of what made the noise. I suppose could say she turns around but it feels like that is unnecessary somehow, as I've said. I think the deeper root of the problem is trying to dramatize connective tissue descriptions that do nothing for the actual narrative. Yet, on the flipside, if someone is placing their ear to a door and then, as if by magic, we're getting a description of something that is going on behind him or her, does that break credulity and narrative, causal logic? I'd love to hear thoughts on this because this simple thing is hamstringing, not just the current piece, but a lot of my writing. Thanks
Your suspicion is correct—it is superfluous to state such obvious things, and really there's no need to. Just have her listening at the door, and then say what she sees behind her. The reader will know she turned. In fact no need to write that she sees what's behind her either, just write what's there. You also don't need to say she pressed her ear against the door. Try it more like this— Inside they were talking about _________. [You get the visual clearly] Absorbed in the conversation, she flinched involuntarily when the floor creaked behind her—her brother creeping up. [You automatically get the instant visual of her head spinning, shock on her face, followed by her PoV] You don't want to give a blow-by-blow visual description of what's happening, that's trying to rob the reader of the images that automatically form in their mind as they read. Let that flow happen naturally.
Tha Thank you for your reply! It's good to know that my instincts are not totally off. My big fear is that the abrupt shift will appear jarring. By way of example, I'll post the small section I'm currently sparring with. MC siddled up to the doors the phlegmatic secretary had escorted her through and listened. Aside from the tympanic throb of her pulse in her ears, she could make nothing out. A sound like insects ground between rotten molars came from behind her. They consume. The words sending reverberations of anxiety through her body. She didn't know what to expect. Technically, this would be their first true face to face encounter. What terse and utilitarian communication they did share up until now had been by proxy. Though she had heard stories. In the tangle of brass chains that interlaced above the desk (these were mentioned in a previous setting description), hung what had to be them. That last part would necessarily be the point at which the main character turns and a descriptive passage of the newly introduced characters would follow. However, I still wonder if that transition is too herky-jerky. Not that I'm looking for critique about this particular passage (I've read the forum rules). This is more just to give a concrete example for a recurring issue that I've found has grown to infect all my writing.
There's some critique I'd like to make on this, but I'll wait until your trial period is over and you can post in the workshop for that. But I will say that it isn't clear to me whether she actually is hearing a voice or it's just a voice in her head. Honestly, I don't understand what's going on here, if it's all in her head, who or what is behind her, any of it.
Yeah it's still in very rough draft form. Just for clarification's sake, she is hearing the phrase in her head. You'd have no way of knowing from this excerpt but that statement shows up before this and is given context. I left out the, "she thought," part since that can also be one of those extraneous bits. Economy of language and all that. It's just not included here because of the forum rules and such.
Hi - Moderator hat on here. I see you're cautiously skirting the Workshop rules, and so far you're okay. You're more or less asking for advice on how to create a certain effect, right? But once you start including actual writing excerpts from your WIP and asking for 'help' you are in awkward territory. So please keep your direct quotes from your WIP to a minimum? I see you're already making lots of posts on the forum, which is good. Do a few critiques as well, so you build up a backlog. Then, once your 14 days are up, you'll be able to post in the Workshop right away. Good to have you aboard.
You're on the money there. I'm not interested in that passage in particular as much as what it represents. I'm trying to figure out how to create a certain effect, specifically how to not use words that are, "empty," and just clutter up the page. But anyways, it's good to be on the forums and I'm looking forward to more discussions.
