1. BFGuru
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    BFGuru Active Member

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    Been incogneto for a bit

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by BFGuru, May 14, 2012.

    Life was just too hectic. Too involved. I was living while preparing for death.

    February 25th my father in law, who I love dearly, was diagnosed with stage 2 chondrosarcoma. A week later they discovered a secondary marrow cancer and 4 spots on his lungs. We've been trying to grasp as much time with him as possible since then. No one would give us a time frame as to how long he had left, leaving my mother in law without the help of Hospice. Finally when pushed, we had a week left from the moment they finally set up Hospice services until that final goodbye.

    I was heavily involved in his care at the end. I've teetered between wanting to overdose him to end his suffering to feeling guilty as though I killed him simply because I did give him a few of his scheduled morphine doses (no overdose, I would never forgive myself). I grapple with saying goodbye, and yet I know his suffering is over. And yes, he suffered. Horrifically so.

    We are now beginning the year of firsts without him.

    The night before the funeral we got home around midnight. I began to write when we put the kids to bed and continued to write until I took my daughter into the ER (she became really sick and I feared appendicitis, but it's a nasty tummy bug instead). I returned home and continued writing. I could not sleep until I had it all down. No proof reading. No editing. Just getting it out. His last two months and really his last week. 14 pages later, I have probably failed miserably at summizing the man that loved me like a daughter. But his last story has been told and is there if I ever feel confident enough to share it.

    Here's to living. He would have wanted us to live, and to thrive. Rest dear man. You will be missed, but not forgotten.
     
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  2. JessWrite
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    JessWrite Word Nerd & Proud! Contributor

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    Hi BFGuru,

    I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts.

    My family went through a similar circumstance last Summer with my Great Aunt. She had stage 4 ovarian cancer along with kidney failure. After being in a nursing home for three months, she eventually made it to the hospital ICU and put on a ventilator at Hospice. I was at home with my sister at the time my Aunt passed away, but my parents were there with her. It's the weirdest feeling when your world stops and everyone is still moving around you. I've never had time feel so slow. Those were the hardest times for my family, especially my mom, who was sick several nights with her thoughts.

    I know I'm a stranger and my words are small, but please know I'm praying for your family.

    Much Love,
    Jess
     
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  3. BFGuru
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    BFGuru Active Member

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    Jess, I'm sorry, I just saw this now. Your words are very true about your world stopping. I wish you well and hope you are getting used to life with her in your hearts and memories.

    I've written a lot since he left us. 14 pages on his last week with us. A poem about it (that I've posted here). Other non related things. I've reflected. I don't believe in an afterlife like most people do. I simply believe in the laws of thermodynamics, that energy is neither created nor destroyed. I feel like his energy has simply dissipated and in that I sort of feel like he surrounds us. Perhaps not his consciousness, but something of him remains with us.

    We spread his ashes near his childhood home this month. It was planned only in that everyone knew we were doing it. I brought my guitar to practice while we were there, since I'm taking lessons and someone asked to borrow it for the memorial. Somehow we ended up with three people playing guitar, and people sharing their memories. There were many tears and laughs. Then everyone took a handful of ashes and tossed them. They gave them to my four year old who kept reaching for more. When some fell before he could throw it he yelled "I got Pappy in my shoe!" It was darling, albeit a bit on the gross side b/c there was a storm that week and no power so the well water wouldn't work and he's a thumb sucker. We did get his hands washed in a basin of water before he got tired and needed the little digit, though. In some respects I think the memorial was more beautiful than the funeral.

    I wish you peace as you continue to forge ahead through this journey called life and that your memories of your Aunt bring you happiness. Thank you for sharing.
     
  4. E. C. Scrubb
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    E. C. Scrubb Active Member

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    We don't know each other since I'm new to the boards, but please accept my sympathy, well-wishes, and prayers. I'm sorry for what you've had to go through.
     
  5. BFGuru
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    BFGuru Active Member

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    Thank you E.C. It seems this is the year I will look back on and say "man that sucked."

    My mother's cousin just passed away 3 weeks ago, my grandmother 2. Thankfully I wasn't that close to either, but I do have regrets about not getting down to see her again. Especially knowing all she wanted for christmas was to have all her grandchildren in one place. She lives in TX. I live in PA. I'm a student with many medical bills. It just wasn't happening.

    I'm doing o.k. though, all things considered. I'm allowing myself to feel when needed. And writing or reading has become cathartic for me.

    We have some of my father in law's ashes in a small glass container. My daughter begged for them. I thought I would find them stupid or weird. Or gross. I find them strangely comforting.
     
  6. LordKyleOfEarth
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    LordKyleOfEarth Contributing Member Contributor

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    If you ever need to talk it out with a stranger, my box is always open. I know what it's like; I lost a very dear friend to sage 4 breast cancer not long ago. Writing helps. I am by no means a poet, but I wrote a poem, "Today I met a ghost", about one of our last meetings. It sucks but all things get better with time.
     

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