Being grammatical without sacrificing rhythm

The opinion that next to no one reads Hesse for pleasure is irrelevant. The fact is that I read Hesse for pleasure and I gave his name because the first poster asked who I was reading. The one sentence I provided doesn't have the years of experience that Hesse has, of course, nor does it possess his elegantly simple style of prose, but I have seen and felt his style in my other works of writing, and thought it would be useful to mention.

Anyway, enough digression.

I have re-writen this science experiment of a sentence once more, taking into account what some of you have said:

"The truth of this awakening will shift the eyes of your soul from slumber. The eyelids that once glazed them over will thunder open to reveal a star-like brilliance behind their gaze. If you are lucky enough to feel this awakening, then you must heed to its command if you are ever to look at your own life with dignity."

If you are having a hard time putting the sentences into context:

"It is the pervasive hands of social influence running rampant throughout societies worldwide. It has been around since the beginnings of our social adaptation and it continues to invoke conformity. It aims to mold each individual to another individual’s authority. The process spreads epidemically, grows the individual’s authority in numbers, and strives to become a movement or an establishment. All this to pervade, conquer, and condition humanity one individual at a time. From the realm of the single individual, to the giants of movements and establishments –and everything in between –the pervasive element of social influence exists to conquer you. It conquers you from every angle until you're awakened into action after you realize your freedoms are being oppressed and the understandings you have about your life come into question."

The truth of this awakening will shift the eyes of your soul from slumber. The eyelids that once glazed them over will thunder open to reveal a star-like brilliance behind their gaze. If you are lucky enough to feel the awakening then you must heed to its command if you are ever to look at your own life with dignity. One cannot consider himself or herself a true patron of freedom until an honest effort is made by recognizing the colossal impact delivered by the elusive force of social influence. Bearing the growing pains of indignation, accepting the isolation of defiance, and battling the crusade to freedom, is but a fleeting twitch in the overall flight of the soul’s expansion."

 

"It is the pervasive hands of social influence running rampant throughout societies worldwide." This is almost right out of George Orwell's essay Politics and the English Language. It mixes metaphors in a way that is self-evidently contradictory, referring to "hands running rampant." Further, its diction is pretentious and obfuscating, to the extent that, in the first sentence, the reader isn't necessarily sure that the author knows what it is he's saying.

You should read the linked essay. You'll learn a few things.

 

In my opinion, you are over complicating your writing and in turn diluting your intended message. Periods are your friend.

There is no reason for this to be one sentence:

Or this:

Four commas in one sentence is distracting.

 

This has gone beyond a general discussion of nosebleed writing styles to specific critique. Thread closed.