This was not the case for me at all. My elder siblings had very few rules, and my mom was unbelievably strict and over protective of me. Then again, they are boys and I'm the only girl. So that might be why. OP - I was/am constantly overshadowed, but not out of preference, so I don't know that I could help. My brothers have more problems than me, so anything I'm doing is like, "k. cool. gotta go call your brother." Lol. My parents missed school plays, pregnancies, etc. because my mom was so busy enabling them, she didn't have time for me. So, it's not really the same, I guess.
Yeah right. I wonder if there are cultural difference also. My experience was personal but also watching other families so wasn't entirely subjective. Appreciate the correction - good to see it from other people's POV.
Based on my experience of other families. I agree that youngest gets it easiest from parents. Especially with three children.
@Aaron DC I think you're right in that it's usually the case with the youngest. And I have to admit, I'm a little easier on my daughter than I was on my son when he was her age.
That, I disagree with. I think there are equal difficulties based on gender stereotypes. Parents might be harder on the boy to be responsible and make good decisions, seeing them as future breadwinners, but girls usually have less freedoms because parents worry more about their safety, seeing them as more fragile. Seems like a trade-off. But I do agree with the youngest scenario in normal circumstances.
I was the favourite growing up, so I can't say I had it too hard. Perhaps it's a godly justice of sorts that I've always idolised my sister - which led to me annoying her a lot because I copied everything she did lol, not to annoy her but as a child, I just genuinely admired everything she did and everything she had. I was never jealous - I just adored her. She didn't like me very much though because of this lol - being that she's 3.5 years older than me, the maturity difference was quite drastic when we were younger. Mum always thought twins were cute too so she often dressed us the same - now imagine a 6-year-old dressed the same as her 9-year-old sister. Not great for my sister. Basically I was the more easy-going child and therefore easier to handle. Mum always struggled with my sister a little. This played into the favouritism. Also, I was seen as the "baby" so my sister was supposed to look after me, if I was unhappy it was obviously her fault, if I wanted a toy my sister had then obviously she had to give it to me because I'm younger, if something went wrong it was her fault because she's older and therefore expected to make sure things were all right. Because I was younger I got to hold mummy's hand while she didn't. Worst of all is probably the fact that they made it no secret - they actually said out loud regularly that I was the favourite. I also had it easier because mum was much stricter with my sister - she only got her first mobile at 18 whereas I got mine at 15, for example. (still pretty late, but definitely earlier than my sister!) Mum celebrated my sister's musical talent though and went to all her concerts etc. Unfortunately my sister doesn't really like excessive attention, nor does she enjoy showing off, but mum wasn't very sensitive to that and always asked my sister perform the piano in front of friends who'd come over for dinner. So where mum did show love, it wasn't quite suitable for my sister's temperament. As I said, mum struggled with her a little. Now that we're all adults, I know mum's finally admitted to the favouritism that she's shown. I heard that mum wrote my sister a letter apologising and asking for her forgiveness, and my sister says she has forgiven her and she knows mum loves her really. These days mum helps out a lot with my sister's two sons there're certain clashes there too, but ultimately the relationships are pretty good these days. Despite all mum's flaws, she's deeply devoted to her children and will do anything for us, and that's good enough for me And I still adore my sister (but no, I don't copy everything she does anymore lol)
I guess what we can bank on is the lack of consistency - be it boy vs girl or birth order - of how parents treat their kids. Curious that so many responding have found themselves on the receiving end of perceived unfairness? Except mckk good on you for being the chosen one
Good point. I can tell you for a fact that my eldest brother perceives to have it the worst. But he's borderline narcissistic, so I'm not sure he'd be able to see it from another perspective. We're all 6 years apart, though, so I don't think standard birth order applies. From what I've read on the subject, supposedly if there are more than 4 years between kids, they will each behave like a first born or only child.
I think I was favored 'cause I'm the younger one, the cute itty-bitty baby girl. My brother was also already 11 when I was born, so he didn't need anyone mollycoddling him. Plus my parents are quite traditional and think boys should grow up with knocks and bruises while girls, well, should be pampered and given the leg-up more often. My dad is still under the impression I'm fragile and seems to be perpetually surprised whenever I prove him wrong. Then again, I don't envy my bro 'cause he can't ask help from my parents without humiliation since real men don't need help. Anyway, I think there are several things that can contribute to favoritism: maybe she's just cuter, always laughing and smiling, sociable, kind, pretty etc. The sister has tried to compete with her but her personality is different. in fact, she doesn't want to be like that and prefers to be a bit of an outsider, grumpy, morose, rebellious. That could lead to her getting sidelined more often. Though I'm wondering, would that setup be a cliché? Also, I'm sorry to hear about how your parents have treated you. Hang tough, you're better off without them now. Hugs!
Hey it's all good. It was hard growing up because I was stuck in it. But now that I've moved away, I can do my own thing and not worry about them. I actually got married at a bed and breakfast specifically so I wouldn't have to invite my family... Fortunately, now that I'm an adult, my sister has realized where she gets the most attention (my dad and step family) so she goes to them for most things, shutting out me and now my mom. So my mom finally understands how I felt growing up being on the outside. Just recently, my sister's brother-in-law got married. My sister invited all of her immediate family... except my mom. She even invited me, but I didn't go. My sister moved to England about two and a half years ago, so any chance she gets to go home to Illinois, she takes. She's been back probably four times in two years. She's also been visited by my dad, my grandparents, and my aunts and uncles. I've lived in Virginia for a year and a half now, have never been back to Illinois once to visit, and have never been visited by any family member. My dad and them FaceTime my sister regularly. They've only FaceTimed me twice, and none of my sisters came to the phone to talk to me. Sounds fair, right? lol So I didn't go to the wedding because I knew my family would care more about seeing my sister than me. This isn't me throwing a pity party either. lol It's just a fact. Some people are blessed with close families that stick together no matter what. And I have one of those families. They just won't let me be a part of it. lol
I've been doing some personal study on parent/child relationships for several years. (I was originally considering a career in child therapy. Very interesting stuff, there). Anyway, there are two things that I have noticed consistently playing a part in parent favoritism. 1. The parent's personality. 2. Parent's ability to make the child feel loved/the child's capability to receive love. For the second, regardless of everything involved, in the end, if a child doesn't feel loved they will tend to naturally perceive favoritism. As my own example, after over twenty years, I finally came to (some) peace about the favoritism I felt growing up. I realized that my mother's personality (which is the type to try to make everything fair, and runs from conflict) was the one with which my sister identified. It is a personality that she was able to emulate in a way that made my mom see herself in my sister. (To this day, my sister continually tries to be someone she's not, because my mom sees herself so much in my sister, my sister doesn't really understand her own identity.) I am not like my mom--I am like my dad, and I fight for what I feel, even (especially? lol) in the midst of conflict. I have been blessed with talent in many areas. (Why didn't I go after those instead writing? Lol.) My sister has yet to really recognize her talents. My mom, seeing herself in my sister and trying to make things equal, fought for my sister to have a chance at 'talent', too. I feel bad, because all she ended up doing was making my sister feel bad, and (surprisingly to me 20 years later) inferior to me. Here's where the love thing comes in--I didn't feel loved, and thus thought my parents were favoring my sister. My sister, who got those opportunities that really I wanted, didn't feel loved, and felt like my parents favored me and said she thought they thought I was the only one good at anything. This whole premise is what I wanted to use for inspiration in one of my stories. But, I just don't know if I can write that one. @Lea`Brooks , as a thought, one thing you might want to make sure you have for your story is some understanding about why the characters do what they do, even the favoring parents. You will have a rounder, more realistic character development from it and a story that people will relate to and want to put themselves into, because there won't be one-sided characters.
My boyfriend always whines about how all his siblings got musical instruments and got to take music lessons except for him. His parents told him to buy his own isntrument and they'd give him lessons, but when he brought a drum set they told him there was no way they were paying for drum lessons bc it's too noisy. His mom has a slightly different story though, saying they offered to buy him a "real" instrument and lessons but he refused to play anything except a drum set. My mom was the youngest of 5, her mom didn't even want anymore children after 3 everytime she had one she hated it more than the last so my mom was, as another writer pointed out, the scape goat child definitely. She would get beat if she went out, missed curfew, bothered anybody etc, and her older sisters used to purposefully put her into situations that would get her in trouble and beaten, for their own entertainment. Another classic younger child has it worst story is David Pelzer's, he was at his phycho mother's mercy until the baby brother started to become the main focus, while his oldest siblings were actually taken care of. (thats an extreme example but it popped in my mind!) This sounds like a book of self healing for you. That's really great.
That's very interesting! But to be quite honest, I'm more angry at my sister than my parents. And that's why I chose to focus on the sibling relationship in my story than the family as a whole. Because growing up, my parents did favor her, yes.. But it seemed more like she was shoving in it their faces, almost forcing them to pay attention to her. She was mean to me growing up. Really mean. She always criticized me and tried to parent me, like she thought our parents weren't doing enough. I wasn't a bad kid. I was shy and emotional, but not a bad kid. But for some reason, she always thought she knew best. She'd berate me anytime I looked a little bit different than everyone else. She'd laugh at me when I cried. She'd harass me when I complained, saying I just wanted attention. When something good happened to her, she flaunted it because it proved how much better she was than everyone else. She's never had to work hard a day in her life. Everything just got handed to her. She got straight A's in school, went to the college of her choice with no problem, got a job right out of college because she knew someone important. She had an easy life. So when other people had a hard time, she thought they were just making it up. Because HER life was so easy, everyone ELSE'S life must be easy too. When I got depression in high school, she laughed at me. "I just don't understand how she can just be sad for no reason," she told my mom. She didn't understand depression... But then again, she didn't understand my life. She didn't know what I had gone through (which was a lot at that point) because she didn't care. She never just sat down with me and tried to be my sister. Any time I tried to talk to her, to get advice or just connect with her, she berated me for something I did wrong. We had to meet my family for a wedding event an hour away (probably about three or four years ago now). We decided to ride together. I made the mistake of talking about some of my relationship issues, just really looking for advice. To give context, my boyfriend at the time was an excessive spender. He'd save up a little bit of money and blow it on something unnecessary instead of using it to pay bills. She yelled at me... for two... hours. Yelled! Not "criticized me quietly and I'm over-exaggerating the tone of her voice." No, no. Yelled. Because at that point, I had just lost my job. "How can you criticize the way someone spends money when you don't even have a job?" The conversation eventually turned into her yelling at me for everything I'd ever done. The entire drive there, she yelled at me (an entire hour). So then I was upset during the entire wedding event, making my family think I didn't want to be there. But I couldn't just tell them that she yelled at me the whole drive, because they'd think I was just making up an excuse. We got back in the car to go home, she said something like, "Let's finish this conversation." And I told her I didn't want to talk about it anymore, I didn't want to fight. And she took that as the beginning of a fight. So she continued to yell at me for another hour. I had a panic attack in the car on the way home. I was hysterically crying and hyperventilating, so what did she do? She laughed at me. "You sound ridiculous," she said. Before the car ride was over, she kept asking, "Do you want a relationship with me and your sisters or not? Because if you don't, we'll happily step away." So in my desperation to get her to shut up, I told her that no, I DON'T want a relationship with you. She started crying. "How do you think that makes me feel?!" ...like she thought I cared about how she felt after yelling at me for two hours. I had my boyfriend waiting at my house to pick me up as soon as she dropped me off. But she wasn't done yelling at me yet. So what did she do? SHE CALLED MY BOYFRIEND. And continued to yell ABOUT me TO him. That was probably the worst day of my life.... lol I've never forgiven her for that. Because that's uncalled for. There's never a reason to yell at someone that much for that long with no concern about how the other person feels. Our relationship has been fractured ever since. I even called my mom to talk to her. She tried to make my sister understand, but there was no reasoning with her. My dad just didn't care. My dad probably has no idea how much anger I have towards my sisters -- and him, for not doing anything to help me. He chose his wife and step-daughters over me a long time ago, and he doesn't even realize it. But my sister did it too. They have their own family now, and I have to make my own. My therapist says they have a closed group. They have each other, every role is filled, and they aren't accepting applications to join their group. "Stop going to an empty well trying to get water," she says. My own therapist tells me to cut them out of my life. lol I'm really excited to start this story. Not just because it will be therapeutic, but because the overall story, I think, is pretty unique. And it's coming pretty easily to me. I will have to research the parents a little bit more and give them a reason to like Tess more than Envy, but since it's not the main focus, I'm not too terribly worried about it. I may just use the "first daughter, everything is new and exciting, Envy is just old news" thing and be done with it. Thanks for all the stories and encouragement, folks!
I wonder if readers won't just come up with their own reasons for why Tess is preferred by the parents. For example, you may or may not understand the entire explanation for your family dynamics (this goes for all of us), but those dynamics exist none the less. It sounds like you have more than enough details from your own life to write an "earnest" make believe story that in some ways mirrors your own. Even if you don't have a 100% coherent reason for the favoritism, readers should still be able to believe in that favoritism, and, if they dissect the story enough, should be able to come up with their own reasons. This is why "writing what you know" is often easier. It requires less explanations because it reflects events that actually happened.
