1. Rob9730
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    Rob9730 New Member

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    Can somebody please tell me if this makes sense (below), if not, could you help me with it?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Rob9730, Dec 16, 2014.

    This: "You are the prelude to my each, and every breath"

    I want to make it more poetic and powerful in terms of romance.

    I'm not exactly talented in literature or grammar so, please forgive me! haha
    The theme is: Romance.

    It'll be a letter to a past girlfriend that i'm still in love with.

    I wanted to explore the use of "infinities" in the letter, specifically, how some are smaller than others etc.
     
  2. Shadowfax
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    Shadowfax Contributing Member Contributor

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    A prelude is something that precedes something else...so she is something that goes before every breath?...presumably "my every breath", because I'm not aware of her going before MY every breath.

    Also, an infinity has no ending, so a ranking of infinities between greater and lesser is meaningless.

    However, I am nit-picking with the logic, and I've always felt that logic is out of place in love stories, in whatever form, so that:

    "If paradise is half as nice
    As the heaven that you take me to
    Who needs paradise
    I'd rather have you"

    (If paradise is half as nice - Amen Corner)

    This always struck me as being a very logical cost/benefit analysis, and not at all romantic.
     
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  3. AccidentalHermit
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    AccidentalHermit New Member

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    All I have to add is that you should take out the comma. Otherwise it seems great to me!
     
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  4. Chinspinner
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    Chinspinner Contributing Member Contributor

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    It works for me without the comma (as Hermit said).

    If you are going for rhyming couplets though the second line is likely to start getting a little needy.

    You are the prelude to my each and every breath.
    blah blah blah blah death.


    Unless you go with: -

    You are the prelude to my each and every breath,
    the silver-tongued lady to my Macbeth.
    The tasty gherkin in my McDonalds,
    and I the forgotten clown called Ronald.
    Or the Hamburglar known for his culinary crime,
    and wishing now for an irretrievable time.
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2014
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  5. stevesh
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    stevesh Banned Contributor

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    I'd also take out the comma, and 'prelude' seems a little formal in that context. I might say 'You are the reason for', or 'You are the 'force behind', or 'You are the air that forms'.
     
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  6. Rob9730
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    Rob9730 New Member

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    Thank you so much for all of your replies!
     
  7. Rob9730
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    Rob9730 New Member

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    I was thinking the same, but then I figured that 'prelude' is often used when referring to classical/orchestral music which could add a further and more profound layer that goes beyond the words. When you think of orchestrated music you think elegance and perfection and i wanted put her in the same light; if you know what i mean?
     
  8. ChickenFreak
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    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    I see what you mean, but the whole metaphor needs to work. It's not as if you'd say, "Well, sculpture is elegant and artistic, and people sculpt with chisels, so I'll say "You are the chisel that sculpts my each and every breath," because that image doesn't really have meaning beyond the image of hacking at something to shape it.

    'Prelude' has some meaning beyond instrumental music, but that meaning may be a problem. A prelude is something before the main work, something slightly apart. The implication could be that she's a nice little trimming/decoration for his life, but she's not a core part of it.

    If you want to go with music, I'd go with something that is part of the whole work and essential to it. The melody, the rhythm, the conductor, something.
     
  9. Rob9730
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    Rob9730 New Member

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    I'm not sure if any of you know about how the heart works but, i'll just take a punt at it anyway. That's not meant to be offensive in any way, I apologise if it is!
    The heart is myogenic, the reason being due to the presence of electrical impulses etc and, i was trying to say that she is what calibrates my heart - strengthening the electrical impulses. The electrical currents preside majorly in each "lub-dub". keeping the heart beating and she is what keeps my heart beating (not literally obviously, but she gave me the fight that I lacked).

    I probably should of added this in (it will added in the letter) that the reason she means so much to me is, due to the time she came into my life.

    I'll keep it plain to not bore you all too much: it was a week before I planned my suicide that she came into my life, and it made me want keep on living. She was the first person that actually cared how I felt everyday and I was so deeply in love with her (not just after that week of knowing her but after a long time of being with her that i loved her). It ended with me pushing her away (hypocritical i know) because, i was so insecure in the way towards, what I could to do to hurt her rather than do for her. I worried how long, just her would be enough. I felt like such a grenade at the time and I was constantly anxious about how I could just break down and hurt everyone. I sound like such an asshole ;(

    p.s. I'm trying to rebuild our relationship; if you're curious.
     
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2014
  10. Rob9730
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    Rob9730 New Member

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    Good point. Thank you for being so detailed! Does chiseled come across as "flat" though?

    Thanks again :)
     
  11. Rob9730
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    Rob9730 New Member

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    True! Stupidly I didn't think of that before I considered it Haha.

    By the infinity thing I was trying to riddle up something like;
    If she was part of a story - my story - and each day she grew further apart the spaces between those words got larger and eventually the words would grow so far apart that the next word would take a massive amount of time to reach without a big push. Each day, the will to carry on with that story would distance itself just as the will to carry on living would due to her being the story and her being the only reason that i wanted to live. I just can't put that feeling into words...
     
  12. Komposten
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    Komposten Insanitary pile of rotten fruit Staff Supporter Contributor

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    Are you completely sure about that?
    Infinity is bigger than you think - Numberphile
     
  13. peachalulu
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    peachalulu Contributing Member Reviewer Contributor

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    Actually I like this better than preludes - maybe you could find a way to say just this. Sometimes frankness is more romantic than what's perceived as romantic.
     
  14. Rob9730
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    Rob9730 New Member

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    that's going to be a tricky one haha. I only do GCSE English :p

    Thanks for the idea though!
     
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  15. Eric Byers
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    Eric Byers Member

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    There is little I could offer that hasn't already been said. I have a collection of 'love' poems and poetry is where I began writing. I'mnow trying my hand at a novel. Obscurity and directness form a good love poem

    "To start a fire you need but flint and steel. A strike, a spark, and breath. It is into my heart you have so breathed and set aflame to all that was. Flames that have been long cold and lost in darkness, embers in an endless cave. For what light will shine from such and what writing on the stone shall be revealed. There was a time I once knew, yet I know it no more"
    -Eric Byers

    Just as an example. Hope that helps
     
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  16. Rob9730
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    Rob9730 New Member

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    I'm now a fan ;)
    I'd love to read one of your pieces! Although, it'd probably take me a while to read them as, i found that first snippet you sent to be rather complex for me. I takes practice, I suppose!

    Thank you for your help! :)
     
  17. The Cuckoo's Nest
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    The Cuckoo's Nest Member

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    Something more figurative may come off more romantic:

    "You are the perfume that scents my each and every breath"?

    I don't know. I'm not very good at making love.
     

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