1. Anaspiringauthor

    Anaspiringauthor Member

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    Can someone help me with this sentence?

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by Anaspiringauthor, Feb 1, 2017.

    hhah
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2017
  2. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Admin Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    Personally i'd have said that both the beginning and end are flawed - also there's no way anyone other than you can write the middle of the sentence without a lot more context
     
  3. izzybot

    izzybot (unspecified) Contributor

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    You're asking us to write the meat of the sentence without knowing what it needs to say. If you don't have the middle, why is the end so important?
     
  4. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributor Contributor

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    Every week he stole gadgets, walking them past security guards whose job was to keep him from doing just that.

    I don't like it but is it in the realm of what you had in mind?
     
  5. Wayjor Frippery

    Wayjor Frippery Contributor Contributor

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    Ah! A challenge! [Albeit a weird one]

    He consistently got around security guards whose limbs were all floppy by smothering them in X5 spy-jam and playing them like spoons despite the orders tattooed behind his eyelids that were intended to prevent him from doing just that.
     
  6. Anaspiringauthor

    Anaspiringauthor Member

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    Hi, thanks! The last two are more towards what I was thinking. But I'll bite, why does no one like the sentence? Or the concept? Thanks. Feel free to chime in with more suggestions.
     
  7. Anaspiringauthor

    Anaspiringauthor Member

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    That is what I had in mind, but why are you against it? Thanks very much.
     
  8. NiallRoach

    NiallRoach Contributor Contributor

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    For my money, we know what a security guard's job is. By telling us, you inflate the sentence and it turns kinda flabby.
     
  9. ChickenFreak

    ChickenFreak Contributor Contributor

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    The end calls for a cleverer beginning than mine. I think it calls for some sort of twist or unexpected turnaround or...something. @Wayjor Frippery 's is better than mine.
     
    Wayjor Frippery likes this.
  10. Homer Potvin

    Homer Potvin A tombstone hand and a graveyard mind Staff Supporter Contributor

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    The "got around" part at the beginning is kind of clunky. I've dodged or circumvented a thing or two in my life but can't remember a time I "got around" something... unless it was a minor traffic law.
     
  11. Dnaiel

    Dnaiel Senior Member

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    Um, are you going to return here for another four thousand sentences, maybe? I call dibs on the next two.
     
  12. big soft moose

    big soft moose An Admoostrator Admin Staff Supporter Contributor Community Volunteer

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    He consitently got arround secrutity guards whose time was spent watching pornography, despite standing orders aimed at preventing them doing just that

    He consitently got arround security guards whose feet were embedded in concrete, having spent some time with ready mix doing just that

    He consistently got arround security guards whose wallets he'd filled with purloined notes, he spent his life doing just that

    One problem is writing by commitee - just write your own damn sentence, but the bigger problem is that its a classic case of show don't tell - if you want us to believe in this guy as a spy show him evading security, don't just tell us that he does
     
    izzybot likes this.
  13. Anaspiringauthor

    Anaspiringauthor Member

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    Thanks! :)
     

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