1. waitingforzion
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    waitingforzion Active Member

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    Can someone please explain this to me in my favor so I don't despair of life?

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by waitingforzion, Jan 1, 2011.

    For a very trivial problem in so far as it relates to human nature I ask the council of all those of whom it is a profession to research, asses and write, because you guys/gals no doubt have both the education and experience to enlighten me on such things. Suppose I had endeavored since the age I first touched a computer, for the creative and technological pleasure alone, to learn programming skills that would let me make games and programs and operating system. Supposed I became entirely obsessed with these ideas and daily fantasized about doing them, so much so that I paced back and forth when I was not permitted on the computer, and compulsively threw up and caught a tennis ball, or some other like object. Now suppose I had gone to school and been frightened by kids in my class who I was certain assayed multiple times to attack me. And suppose I had become so fearful that upon looking into the matter, the authorities at school believed neither my account nor the abundant circumstantial evidence, but believed those who were involved in it simply because they appeared good to them. Finally, suppose I had been transferred to a school geared toward psychological issues, hospitalized, discharged to a residential treatment facility, promoted through units, returned to the hospital because of what felt like a satanic attack, (in which I was made afraid of my own God, thinking I lost his grace), and restored to residency in last unit where I was, left fearfully anticipating every conceivable count down of common events, that upon reaching the last number I would be instantly damned.

    Yet suppose the Lord was with me through all of this, even though it seemed that He Himself had hated me, and through these things conjured in me a great ambition to go through college. Indeed, though I was attending a behavioral school with very low academic standards, they made me the Valedictorian, and offered me to write my own speech, in which I affirmed vigorously my ambition to attend a Christian college. But instead I attended a community college because all the supporting staff felt I was not prepared to maintain myself in such a far place. Now I focused diligently on my work for the first year, and though it were a small number of classes, I passed them all with no less than a B, fixed upon the career I had desired since my first days with a computer. Yet within me I had been very sad because of the separation between my own heart and the heart of some girl who I had never known, although throughout my life I had always assumed that certain girls were her, only to be utterly disenchanted and embittered in so much that I claimed they were evil. And every girl up to that time always had the reputation that we were not compatible, and from secondary sources I was accordingly warned and discouraged.

    Then in my second year, having completed the prerequisites for my first programming class, I delightfully began programming fundamentals. And at the end of the class, (I forget whether it was the first or the second) a student from another class was invited in by the professor, and I looked upon her with a skeptical eye, until I heard her voice and her enthusiasm for her computer related course. It was evident that she was not defective like me, and that she had a character not like me, but I felt that she was familiar to me, though I had not seen her ever before. And when I saw her again standing outside of the CIS building, I wanted to talk to her, but she went across the street to another building. After waiting several moments, I went across myself, thinking I was going to the same place where she was, but I returned and found her sitting in front of the building where we were originally. So among the dumb and vague impressions of what I thought to say to her, I only managed to ask her if she was waiting for someone. Now while were beginning to talk, I saw a vehicle pull up and understood that it was her ride. She got up, introduced herself and shook my hand, but despite all that she amazed me because she said, “It's okay. We'll talk next time.”

    Well, I believed her 100% percent, and waited until next time, but there was no next time. She only greeted me once after that, and once again after I greeted her. I supposed I must have erred severely in some way, because it then appeared that she was avoiding me. I thought perhaps that I had scared her, but I had only stood immobile and nervous whew I saw her. And fearing that she would think I was following her I went away from her. I did not know whether to go near her or to get away from her; I was very nervous. I once found myself in front of her vehicle as she was leaving the building; she stopped and looked at me, but then she quickly got in.

    I'm too tired to explain the rest of it, but when I get the strength I will continue. From what I just said, does anyone think anything of this? What do you have to say?
     
  2. Elgaisma
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    Elgaisma Contributing Member Contributor

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    Maybe she is a little nervous of you and isn't interested. Don't fixate and move on.
     
  3. Eunoia
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    Eunoia Contributing Member Contributor

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    I don't really get what you're asking for us to explain...

    But anyway, I assume the main thing is this girl who also likes programming? She just seems nervous and this can either mean she's interested or not. Either way, if you want to get to know her, strike up a conversation with her to see if she's interested. If she isn't, try and move on. Trust me, fixating on people is no good.
     
  4. Link the Writer
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    Link the Writer Flipping Out For A Good Story. Contributor

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    I don't think the Lord hates you. He probably hates me, seeing as I'm so fraking clumsy. (Nearly knocked over a precious lamp just now)

    This girl's probably very shy. Just don't fixate on it, take it slow and easy. Don't rush it and get to be her friend first.

    SOURCE: I'm a very shy person.
     
  5. LordKyleOfEarth
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    LordKyleOfEarth Contributing Member Contributor

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    I really don't understand your post...

    It's a sort of autobiography but intended as a question?
     
  6. Link the Writer
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    Link the Writer Flipping Out For A Good Story. Contributor

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    Okay, so it seems you have a desire to be creative and do programming with a computer. In your spare time, you daydreamed about it while tossing a tennis ball in the air. Nothing wrong with that. Heck, I do it all the time when I imagine myself as a famous author conducting interviews and the like.

    You were bullied a lot by the other kids, some of them were so horrible that they pretty much made you have a severe meltdown at the mere sight of them. I'll tell you what my grandma told me: The world is like a box of yogurt. Some look yummy while others look like crap. The key is to not let the crap yogurt take you down. Do whatever the heck you want. Chances are they'll be druggies and have no life at all when they're older while you're jamming away at a computer company, programming the hell out of computers.

    Just repeat this to yourself: "Never back down, never give up. I will work with computers!"


    I think God was with you and was exceedingly heartbroken at how you were treated. He absolutely hates it when His children treat each other in such a cruel manner. I don't know what He thinks, but I'm sure He would not want you to give up on your dream.

    She's probably very shy.

    She wasn't interested in you. All she was doing was being polite and saying "hey" before her ride came. You didn't scare her, though you will if you fixate and obsess over her. Just continue on with your dreams of programming computers, friend. There will always be a chance for a romantic relationship.

    I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself. You don't need that. Just focus on your goal and work toward it.
     
  7. Pook
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    Pook Member

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    Move on, your too late by not doing anything and therefore lose power to lead the woman.

    Next time be decisive and ask the question or learn a little game from 'Neil Strauss' (youtube him)
     
  8. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    if all you've written is not just a joke, or a fiction writing exercise, then i have to say that you should be seeing your therapist or psychiatrist about it, not asking for advice from a bunch of writers, as you clearly still have a serious mental or emotional problem that must be dealt with by a mental health professional...

    don't use this site as an alternative to counseling...

    love and healing hugs, maia
     
  9. Sarah's Mom
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    Sarah's Mom Member

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    Here are some of the big issues with chronic mental illness as I see them: First is the problem with defining reality. The person is absolutely sure some experience is true or factual. Others say it is not that way. Because some people do lie, it's hard to tell the lies from the truths.

    Another issue is communicating with others. Mental illness makes people all about themselves, what's inside their own heads, their own perceptions. What you, and others miss, is the observational ego to tell you how you are perceived by others.

    This is why you have to be in a group, have counselor, or both, so you have a place to do your reality checks. Things change. You will. You have to find a way to get out of your own head, to live more in the world than inside your mind the interior space. You have to know someone you decide to trust to define reality for you.

    As to the girl. What did she actually way? "Bye, talk to you later!" Something like that? It's a meaningless social phrase. She wasn't promising you a thing.

    The girl who exists in your head does not exist in reality. She never will. Projecting your ideas onto people is a way of making the other people not real and making yourself feel even more isolated.

    Go find some resources, see someone on a regular basis, join a group.

    I'll pray for you. Its a very hard life to live. Never give up. And BTW, God is never angry with you. I don't give a crap what those voices in your head say. And go see if you can find a book titled Angela's Jacket. You'll like it.

    Elle
     
  10. Pook
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    Pook Member

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    ^ Other than the God stuff at the bottom I second your post and thought it well written ^
     
  11. waitingforzion
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    waitingforzion Active Member

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    If this stuff didn't happen then you don't exist.

    I think I am quite accurate in my understanding that you perceive me as someone who cannot discern the perceptions of others.

    Reality is all I see around me, and I cannot see it except in my mind, because without a mind, I cannot observe through my senses.

    If in that particular instance she said that then she doesn't exist. I know what she said.

    Oh really? because I thought I saw her every Wednesday. Perhaps there is no such girl at all.

    Do you really believe in God? because if not, your presuppositions against belief in the spiritual accredits too much to my imagination. I admit I was deluded, but that I am 100% responsible for deluding myself I reject. The girl is no delusion. Though certain characteristics I ascribe to her may not be entirely accurate, I know what she said. You cannot dispute that she said it, neither are you in any position to dispute it, because the fact of the matter is, I was there and you were not.
     
  12. Pook
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    Pook Member

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    Lol

    She exists but not how you want her to exist, like most have said, don't fixate.
     
  13. waitingforzion
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    waitingforzion Active Member

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    You don't even know whether she exists or not. How can you tell me in what way she exists? Do you know the way I think she exists? Do you know who she is?

    Please don't be offended by my argumentative responses, but I don't agree with you.
     
  14. Link the Writer
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    Link the Writer Flipping Out For A Good Story. Contributor

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    Sarah's Mom isn't trying to offend you.

    The girl clearly wasn't interested in anything more than idle chit-chat while she was waiting for her ride. She didn't really mean that she wanted to develop a romantic relationship with you. I have had plenty of girls tell me that she'll see me later. All that means is "I'll see you tomorrow as we walk by because we obviously go to the same school together."

    Yes, she is a real human being, we're not disputing that. We know she exists and we know what she said based on what you've described. We're just telling you that she probably wasn't interested in hooking up with you, so you shouldn't fool yourself into thinking she was.

    You're talking about physical things, like I can see my laptop. My hands are typing this post. My senses tell me they are there. What Sarah's Mom is talking about is mental.

    You've constructed a world where this girl is very interested in you simply becaus she said "See you later".

    It could be that your experience with being bullied had made you fear that you do not belong. That somehow God hates you.

    But I'm just a 21-year-old college dude with degree in History. I do not know how the brain works besides it being a "supercomputer for our bodies".
     
  15. Pook
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    Pook Member

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    How do I know?

    I know general types of people and how people are, If Im wrong I lose nothing, If your wrong, what then?

    Next time I suggest giving clearer details to allow people to give due care and attention instead of speculation.

    Be easy...
     
  16. PurpleCandle
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    PurpleCandle Senior Member

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    Do you have a psychiatric diagnoses? If so, you should learn all about that diagnoses and what it means for you and seek behavioral therapy and/or medication to get better. If you do not have a diagnosis, if I were you, I would go get one immediately..because I truly think you probably have a personality disorder and or some other mental disorder.

    These are the Top disorders that come to mind-(Quotes are from wikipedia)

    Paranoid Personality Disorder-
    "...a psychiatric diagnosis characterized by paranoia and a pervasive, long-standing suspiciousness and generalized mistrust of others.

    Those with the condition are hypersensitive, are easily slighted, and habitually relate to the world by vigilant scanning of the environment for clues or suggestions to validate their prejudicial ideas or biases. Paranoid individuals are eager observers. They think they are in danger and look for signs and threats of that danger, disregarding any facts. ( Waldinger, 1997). They tend to be guarded and suspicious and have quite constricted emotional lives. Their incapacity for meaningful emotional involvement and the general pattern of isolated withdrawal often lend a quality of schizoid isolation to their life experience"

    Avoidant Personality Disorder-

    "People with AvPD often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing, and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected, or disliked."

    "People with AvPD are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others."

    Symptoms
    Hypersensitivity to criticism or rejection
    Self-imposed social isolation
    Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though feels a strong desire for close relationships[3]
    Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
    Avoids interpersonal relationships
    Feelings of inadequacy
    Severe low self-esteem
    Self-loathin
    Mistrust of others
    Emotional distancing related to intimacy
    Highly self-conscious
    Self-critical about their problems relating to others
    Problems in occupational functioning
    Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful
    Feeling inferior to others
    In some more extreme cases — agoraphobia
    Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts

    Social Anxiety Disorder-
    "...an anxiety disorder characterized by intense fear in social situations[1] causing considerable distress and impaired ability to function in at least some parts of daily life."

    "Generalized social anxiety disorder typically involves a persistent, intense, chronic fear of being judged by others and of being embarrassed or humiliated by one's own actions. These fears can be triggered by perceived or actual scrutiny from others. While the fear of social interaction may be recognized by the person as excessive or unreasonable, overcoming it can be quite difficult. Physical symptoms often accompanying social anxiety disorder include excessive blushing, sweating (hyperhidrosis), trembling, palpitations, nausea, and stammering often accompanied with rapid speech. Panic attacks may also occur under intense fear and discomfort."

    Borderline Personality Disorder~
    "Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone."

    "...is a personality disorder described as a prolonged disturbance of personality function in a person (generally over the age of eighteen years, although it is also found in adolescents), characterized by depth and variability of moods.[n 1] The disorder typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; black and white thinking, or splitting; the disorder often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes, as well as chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation.[1]"

    Please go get medical help!!!!
     
  17. hiddennovelist
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    hiddennovelist Contributing Member Contributor

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    Um...why would you come onto a site, info dump about your life asking for insight/reassurance/whatever you were asking for, and then totally flip out when people attempted to respond?

    Have to agree with Maia on this one, man...a writing forum is not where you need to be right now...
     
  18. Trilby
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    Trilby Contributing Member Contributor

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    Please seek medical help.
    On this forum we are writers and with the best intentions in the world we could, unintentionally, be making your problem worse instead of better.
     
  19. Mercurial
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    Mercurial Contributing Member Contributor

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    No one on this forum is qualified to help you with your issues. Even if someone was a licensed professional, the web is a poor tool of communication to use for the kind of help you need. Those who are trying to help you are surely kind, but without knowing you their efforts are likely misguided....

    You need to seriously consider talking to someone in person with psych training. I don't know what made you think a group of online writers could help you. This is clearly more than a miscommunication issue.

    I hope you take us seriously when we say this... We do not want to offend you, only to do the best we can for a fellow human being.... Good luck.
     
  20. waitingforzion
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    waitingforzion Active Member

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    I was already hospitalized, diagnosed, and put on medication.

    Note that I did not explicitly say I was convinced that she was interested, nor did I even finish the story of what happened, but I asked you to give me an explanation in my favor, because I was about to mention the things that made me believe she was not interested at all. Of course I had hoped that she was interested when I had talked to her, and of course I had incomplete perceptions. How could I even get to know her if I had already known everything about her? Naturally, it is impossible for me to completely understand enough to judge whether or not she is interested after such a brief introductory conversation. You have even less detail than me, so how can you tell me for sure that we can not at least be friends? Must you assume that my intention was to move so swiftly?

    I never generalized with fear; I was fearful of individuals, not categories. But is it not a generalization to say that I am mentally ill because I seem to exhibit symptoms in general? You could not even specify one disorder; clearly you did not have enough detail to select one. You have a complete misunderstanding of the entire situation, and here you are telling me that I do not understand what is going on.

    I'm not flipping out, but how can accept this profile you are trying to force on me?
     
  21. Mercurial
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    Mercurial Contributing Member Contributor

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    Okay, how about this: you focus more on yourself and less on this girl. It doesn't matter if she's intersted or not at this point; we, who don't even know you, have immediately picked up on other problems you have, so that seems like the more pressing issue here. Work on yourself first, and I promise this girl or another will cone around.

    That's the last I'll say. I'm not interested in playing your games of" What If" or getting caught up in what or who is is not real or what you didn't explicitly say. Good luck, and goodbye.
     
  22. Link the Writer
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    Link the Writer Flipping Out For A Good Story. Contributor

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    Well, we don't know.

    I have no idea what you'e trying to get us to say besides "the girl wasn't interested" and "get medical help".

    All I can say is that if you want to be a computer designer, then go for it. If that's your dream, then nothing, not even mocktry will stop you.
     
  23. waitingforzion
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    waitingforzion Active Member

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    I'm not trying to get anyone mad here.

    I'm sorry for the attitude in my responses. I am not trying to offend anyone, but I cannot accept what you are saying.
     
  24. waitingforzion
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    waitingforzion Active Member

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    Can I still participate in this forum with everyone's acceptance?
     
  25. PurpleCandle
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    PurpleCandle Senior Member

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    What would you accept? Maybe we are misunderstanding what you are looking for??
     

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