Never tried it myself, but that's really cool >.< Just don't overdo it, and I think that will make for one awesome story.
This seems like a "He Said, She Said" type narration where the narrator is a character within the story and the narrator is more conflicted with you (the author's voice). When the narrative voice and authorial voice are conflicted, you now have an unreliable narrator and now there's no authority that's driving the story. I can see where it might frustrate a reader not knowing who is in charge here. If it's experimental, I think it's fine and you could have a lot of fun with it. If you had an advance to write it, I think it's a bit risky.
That was 100% pure genius! I darent follow through with my version now incase I taint what this story has achived! Very very good
I posted that not to discourage your or deter you from writing your story, but to encourage you instead. Don't be intimidated by it. This is not the only short story that does this. I've read a few novels and a few short stories that use this technique and they make for good reads. Don't be afraid to try your ideas out.
