1. CatnipCupid
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    CatnipCupid Member

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    Co-dependance

    Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by CatnipCupid, Jun 3, 2013.

    Hi, folks. I'm writing about this subject, because I'm in sort of a co-dependent relationship. You know, where you pay your bills, but you don't make enough to live on your own, type of situation. Frankly, I would love to find someone who could support me financially and emotionally (without bitching about it) while I pursue my writing career. My real dream is to make enough to live on and write before or after work, but I get depressed that it won't come true.

    Has anyone ever been in this situation? If so, did you overcome it? You can PM me if you want.
     
  2. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    how does that make you 'co-dependent'?... that term usually refers to a relationship other than financial...

    as for not making enough to pay all the bills, i've been there... with 5 stairstep children, no less!... on welfare that didn't help much, with a job that paid so little i couldn't even afford a babysitter for the kids, with my oldest only 12...

    how did i overcome it?... i became the long-distance mistress of a millionaire... he set us up in a small town an hour's flight in his plane from his home city and 'visited' every couple of weeks... we later married [long story i will not go into here] and divorced after 3 more pregnancies and 2 more little ones, to bring my total up to 7 i bore and raised...

    it was anything but a happy 3 years of being kept and 12 of a marriage that was mostly 'in name only' despite the elite social and economic status i held thanks to his wealth, family and position, and the divorce and legal battles that followed were hellish nightmares... as a result, only one of my 7 children remains close to this day and 5 of the other 6 prefer to have no mother and no maternal grandmother for their total addition of 14 grandchildren...

    my best advice is to not 'connect' or marry for financial support, even if it's for your children's sake...

    you can email me if you want, but please don't pm... they're a major pain in the nether parts for me...

    love and hugs, maia
    maia3maia@hotmail.com
     
  3. madhoca
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    madhoca Contributing Member Contributor

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    Definitely not good to be in a sexual relationship that is a kind of return for help with the rent. I include marriage in this. You could be a cook/housekeeper/odd job person in return for a room somewhere, though. Or just do what most people do--get a regular but undemanding job in a supermarket or something that gives you time to write in the evenings. I worked evenings when I was doing my masters degree and it left me plenty of time to write and just about enough to lişve on.
     
  4. CatnipCupid
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    CatnipCupid Member

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    Wow, what a story, Maia. Holy crap! I'm sorry about your kids and how they reacted to all this.

    'Hugs'
     
  5. CatnipCupid
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    CatnipCupid Member

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    What's frightening is that unless I get two full time jobs, there's no way I'll be able to live on my own.
    It's scary! I start a full time job next week, but the pay is not much above minimum wage. How are people like me supposed to live this way? I'm praying to God and writing out my anxieties. It seems to help a little. I need options to present themselves and doors to open! I just don't want to have to sacrifice my principles for large amounts of cash if it does open. Know what I mean?
     
  6. madhoca
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    madhoca Contributing Member Contributor

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    It's better to live with your family than be in an uncommitted relationship. I don't understand why families don't live together more and share expenses, it seem plain common sense, but I guess I've lived out of the UK too long...
     
  7. CatnipCupid
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    CatnipCupid Member

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    I have an aunt and an uncle in Florida, and my mom and dad have...graduated. So, I'm pretty much alone. Where are the violins? Lol.
     
  8. thirdwind
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    thirdwind Contributing Member Contest Administrator Reviewer Contributor

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    There's always the option of finding a roommate to save on rent. I know it's not a permanent solution, but it certainly helps save money. Having a roommate during my last year in college saved me a few hundred dollars each month.
     
  9. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    A co-dependent relationship is one in which one party derived benefit from the other party's weaknesses. In other words, where one party is at a disadvantage or in need of healing, and the other person is invested in keeping the first person from getting stronger.

    It's an exploitive relationship.
     
  10. EdFromNY
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    EdFromNY Hope to improve with age Supporter Contributor

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    @Cogito - Yes, when I first saw the thread, I was expecting to see something to do with addiction, where co-dependency is very common.
     
  11. CatnipCupid
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    CatnipCupid Member

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    Okay, financially dependent.
     
  12. Michael O
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    Michael O Contributing Member

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    Sad to learn your children can be so vindictive not just to you, but to their children as well.

    Eight years ago my sister and her two high school age children were excited. Dad, a general officer, was retiring. He came home, packed a suitcase and said good bye. No home to live in and the wheels came off of three lives as he returned to Europe for a women half his age.

    Next week we'll travel to my favorite nephew's wedding. Should be interesting but not sure what to wear...Maybe kelvar? My sister has never been good with weapons. Maybe I shouldn't drink with my old drinking buddy.

    GOT IT! I'll get drunk before I drink with my ex-brother-in-law that way I won't feel it if she shoots me. And who says the Irish are dumb mutts?

    Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey loves Mommamaia. Not wild monkey jungle love, but a civilized, dog-riding typing monkey love.

    You-a know Don Monkey have-a nothing butta respect for you so you tella da gooda babino to-a hugga you for me.
     
  13. Fullmetal Xeno
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    Fullmetal Xeno Protector of Literature Contributor

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    Man that sounds like a trainwreck. I should keep mental notes to make sure i don't get into that mess later on.
     
  14. madhoca
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    madhoca Contributing Member Contributor

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    Turkish saying: "You can't build a new home on the ruins of an old one".
     
  15. jannert
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    jannert Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

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    I agree with what Madhoca said, and also thirdwind's suggestion about getting a roommate and sharing expenses.

    I do sympathise with how hard it is to live alone when you only have a minimum wage job ...been there, done that! However, if you band together with a few other (reliable) people in the same boat, you can certainly get by. AND if some marvellous, loving human being with money and a willingness to support your dream eventually enters your life—and they can do!—then you'll be in clover. However, if they don't, or don't appear for many years, you need to find another way to support yourself and keep on writing.

    The good news is, having a job is no real barrier to writing. It just means you have to fit your writing time around it. Go to bed early and get up early to write before you go to work. Or stay up late and work after you get home ...whatever works for you. Lots of writers have personal stories about how difficult it was for them to find time to write, but they did find it.

    To paraphrase John Lennon: life is what happens while you're making plans. Too true.
     
  16. KaTrian
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    KaTrian A foolish little beast. Staff Supporter Contributor

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    If I understood this right, this is what I have to say:
    Yeah, good luck with that. Sorry to sound like a dick, but I've seen relationships like that, I even was in one, and it sucks, because you start feeling like crap for being this burden to the breadwinner, who's gonna treat you like crap if s/he has a bad day, has worked hard to pay all the bills, etc. And if you ever want anything, new clothes, phone, shoes, whatever, you gotta ask the money from him/her. It doesn't matter how nice and sweet the breadwinner is. On a bad day I turned into a total dickhead and the other party felt like they were worthless, sub-human for not bringing the money in the house. Sorry if I sound like a cynic. I guess it can work with the right people... esp. when they're super rich.

    Arrange your life so that you can write while supporting yourself. It's difficult, but it's doable, and it will come true when you work hard on it. If you don't have a chronic illness or disability, it'll be even easier.

    mammamaia, quite a story! Wow! You've gone through a lot, I just feel sorry that you have kids/grandkids who aren't close to you :/
     
  17. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    I have to side with KaTrian here.

    I wonder why you need two full time jobs just to pay bills, where are you living? Beverley Hills? Do you drive a Ferrarri on credit? Do you only eat in 5 Star restaurants?

    If you find someone that wants to shower you with money and love see if he has a sister for me will ya? Doesn't have to be good looking, just rich, can drop by now and again with money and presents and disappear again to make me more money while I sit around and write. I'll even get the snip!
     
  18. erebh
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    erebh Contributing Member Contributor

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    In all seriousness, I thought co-dependence was for people who didn't have the confidence, not the money, to be independent.
     
  19. Mckk
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    Mckk Moderator Staff Supporter Contributor

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    In my experience, not working is not really ideal. There was a period when I had almost no lessons - I had maybe 3-5 lessons a week (I'm a freelance private tutor) - and I was miserable. I lacked social contact, which made me slightly hyper in the evening when my husband came home from work. Problem, since he's been at work since 8.30am or 9am, he's tired, he wants to shut off and be quiet and have some rest. He's an introvert, which means talking costs him more energy than replenish usually. My husband never blamed me for not bringing in much, but I could see he was stressed because we were relying so heavily on his salary alone. For my part, actually having no work means you write less because time is not as valuable suddenly, and you end up wasting time (as I am now - the floods have meant all my students cancelled today). You also lack inspiration.

    My husband wants me to work, not for the money, though we also need that, but because it's just healthier for me. He's quite traditional so he's happy to be the breadwinner - but he does want me to at least freelance or work part-time. He doesn't want to become my only source of social interaction during the week when all my friends are busy. He needs to know that if he's really tired, he can come home and just relax without having to worry about me and my mental state from having been stuck at home all day. (like today, he knows I'm stuck at home all day. He doesn't wanna go out because we've eaten out for 2 days in a row, and since my lessons have been cancelled, finances are looking rough for this month. So he's stressed - he knows I need to get out of the house, he wants to provide that, but it puts strain on him financially here. I can hear it in his voice - he's not angry with me, but I can see he's getting stressed) I'd rather my marriage is right and my husband is looked after than to write, and my bringing in some money helps the marriage, not just financially.

    I have a friend whose husband actually asked her to quit her job so that she could write full-time, because he brought in enough money. It was to the detriment of their marriage and was actually one of the factors that led to their divorce. She wasted time during the day and then started writing when the husband came home. He would wanna spend time with her but she would've only just got into her writing, so she picked writing over him.

    So I dunno - on the surface, not working and writing all day seems like heaven, but I'm not sure it really is.
     
  20. jannert
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    A lot of what Mckk says rings true. Fortunately, I don't have a stressed husband, and financially we're okay—and very lucky!

    However, I wrote my first novel while I was still working shifts, which meant I didn't know from one day's end to the next when I'd be yanked into work. It was very hard to establish a writing schedule, but I did it.

    Since retiring into what I thought would be writerly bliss, I found my output has really slumped. Too many ways to waste time, and too little compulsion to write NOW or else. I'm working on restoring the balance, but it's not the writer's dream I imagined it would be, while I was still working my butt off. (I've put on more butt since retirement as well, but that's another story...!)
     
  21. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    thanks for all the kind words, hugs, and empathy, everyone!

    on the upside, after having survived bearing and raising 7 kids for nearly 40 years, i didn't have to be a free babysitter for 19 grandkids, till in my grave! ;)
     
  22. CatnipCupid
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    CatnipCupid Member

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    I think I might try writing before work, since my schedule will be 7am-4pm. I do theater and rehearsals usually begin at 6pm. I tend to have more insights and gain a positive perspective on life when I rise early.
     
  23. CatnipCupid
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    CatnipCupid Member

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    No, you don't sound like a dick, just realistic.
     
  24. CatnipCupid
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    CatnipCupid Member

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    Well, you've accomplished something for me this evening-you gave me a chuckle. Beverly Hills, yeah right. When I entered the library field more than a decade ago, I found out the Bev. Hill's public library's membership fees were over $100.00. For some reason that always blew my mind, even though I know it's a ritzy area.

    If I didn't have student loans (stupid!) and could make a decent living with one job, I wouldn't have to take anti depressants.
     
  25. CatnipCupid
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    CatnipCupid Member

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    That's a good point. Do you work from home or do you go to them, or meet at libraries?
     

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