1. mrwinstanley
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    mrwinstanley New Member

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    Colon/Semicolon use in this sentence

    Discussion in 'Word Mechanics' started by mrwinstanley, May 31, 2011.

    Hey there, just wanted to check if I'm doing the right (or the wrong) thing.

    Here's the sentence, cheers.

    "Since the speech on Monday Simeon had been a fervent supporter of Miss Patricia Harwood: he’d watched all of her published speaking engagements on youtube; he’d subscribed to all possible mailouts via her website; he’d even donated the entire proceeds of his last paycheck from the donut factory to her cause."
     
  2. ChickenFreak
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    ChickenFreak Contributing Member Contributor

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    I don't think that it's technically incorrect, but I think that it's unnecessarily complex, without deriving any value from the complexity. I would simplify it:

    "Since the speech on Monday Simeon had been a fervent supporter of Miss Patricia Harwood. He had watched all of her published speaking engagements on youtube and subscribed to all possible mailouts via her website. He’d even donated the entire proceeds of his last paycheck from the donut factory to her cause."

    Or if you were going for a sort of repetitive rhythm thing, something that I'm addicted to but making a mild effort to break:

    "Since the speech on Monday Simeon had been a fervent supporter of Miss Patricia Harwood. He had watched all of her published speaking engagements on youtube. He had subscribed to all possible mailouts via her website. He had even donated the entire proceeds of his last paycheck from the donut factory to her cause."

    ChickenFreak
     
  3. cruciFICTION
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    cruciFICTION Contributing Member Contributor

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    You've actually got a couple of errors. The mailouts/mailing lists thing isn't particularly wrong, but mailouts sounds off to me. I also don't understand why there'd be more than one "mailout" for one website.

    An alternative to what I've proposed would be:
    "Since the speech on Monday, Simeon had become a fervent supporter of Miss Patricia Harwood. He'd watched all her published/public speaking engagements on YouTube, he'd subscribed to her mailing list via her website; he'd even donated the entirety of his last paycheck from the donut factory to her cause."

    This alternative (while it takes some liberties; I'm sorry), is less complex and gets to the point more. Really, by using so many semi-colons, you confuse your point a little, I think.
     
  4. mrwinstanley
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    mrwinstanley New Member

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    So it seems a bit of a colon cleanse was in order! Thanks for your help folks. :)
     
  5. thewordsmith
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    thewordsmith Contributing Member Contributor

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    Eww! That was SOOOOO bad.:D Funniern anything but stil ...
     

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