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  1. edamame
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    edamame Contributing Member Contributor

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    Dating and the Biological Clock

    Discussion in 'Debate Room' started by edamame, Nov 1, 2014.

    So, I recently talked to a taxi driver who wanted to break up with his girlfriend because he wanted three kids and he felt by the time he'd be able to support a family, she'd be too old to have him. This is despite her having a good job, house, car, and a great personality.

    This makes me wonder, do guys refuse to date women past a certain age because they want kids? And do you think the "biological clock" put women at a unfair disadvantage?
     
  2. jannert
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    jannert Contributing Member Supporter Contributor

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    Well, that taxi driver sounds pretty strange to me. What's he waiting for? Winning the lottery? And you don't mention if the girlfriend wants children as well, and is annoyed that he wants to wait till they have more money.

    However, the desire for children/biological clock issue is a big one. It's probably plagued more couples than people will admit. A woman can feel pressured into having children quickly, if she marries somebody later on in life. She might have wanted children at a younger age, but perhaps now she feels her choices are getting fewer (which they are) and she'd better do it fast while she still can.

    This might well mean children with the wrong man.

    However, she might also feel less desire for children as she gets older. (That happened to me. Fortunately I married a guy who felt exactly the same way.) She might see what will happen to a woman who has a child at the age of 40. She'll be 58 years old when that child is 18, and even older if she has more children later. That might be okay, it might not. She might well envision a different kind of life for herself, at an age when her peers who had children in their 20s, are welcoming grandchildren instead.

    Of course a man has no choice in the matter, other than to accept what his partner wants, or force her to accept what he wants. If he's a bully, he can force or coerce her into having children, but if he's not, and he's committed to a woman who does not want (or can't have) children, then he is stuck being childless as well. That can be very sad for a guy who has always wanted to be a responsible dad.

    It's one of those issues that really should be talked out and agreed upon BEFORE setting out in a relationship, because it's not one that can be compromised. It's all or never, really. You can compromise on how many children you have, but you can't compromise on having one in the first place.
     
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2014
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  3. chicagoliz
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    chicagoliz Contributing Member Contributor

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    I'm really confused. If the woman has a good job, a house, and a car, what more does he need? How much more money is he waiting for? (And incidentally, if you wait unti everything is perfect to have kids, you'll never have them.)

    As someone who had a baby at 40 -- well, sometimes you can't control the timing. It was either have him at 40 or never have him at all. I wanted him earlier, but it just didn't happen.

    I'd be curious about what this taxi-driver's girlfriend wants.

    Oh-- and in almost everything related to reproduction, women are at an unfair disadvantage. The ONLY instance I see where women have an advantage is in same-sex couples. A lesbian couple who wants to have a baby has two people who could carry the pregnancy, if there is a problem with one of them, and all they really need to do (in many instances) is find some semen. For two gay men, it's much more difficult, in that they must either find a surrogate or adopt. Adoption is easier now than it once was, but there are some places that refuse to allow adoptions by gay couples.
     
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  4. edamame
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    edamame Contributing Member Contributor

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    This is a specific case, but I think the taxi driver was very traditional in that he wanted to be able to make enough money to support his family as the breadwinner. There was also the case of him perhaps wanting to move back to his home country, and her refusing to. She does want to have children but is staying with him because he's not sure if he will move yet.

    @jannert and @chicagoliz Thanks for your insights! I admit, this hit close to home because I'm getting older now and am still unattached. I agree that the issue of children should be hammered out before a relationship progresses too long and that there usually is no "perfect" time to have kids.
     
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  5. chicagoliz
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    chicagoliz Contributing Member Contributor

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    I get that some people feel that way -- men who want to be the "breadwinner," but I have to say that it's kind of stupid. In this instance that particular desire may cause him to break up with this woman and may therefore result in him never having children at all -- it strikes me as, I don't know, sad, I guess that he would essentially say he will be the breadwinner or he will simply never get married and have children at all. It seems like the latter is further away from his actual desire than sharing some income responsibilities.
    But hey, it's his life, so he can do what he wants.
    Hang in there, edamame. It's a tough issue for women, because yes, there is a timing issue. There are some options, although of course, they all have their plusses and minuses.
     
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  6. Michael Jeffries
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    Michael Jeffries Member

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    I think what really makes the taxi driver strange is his desire for three kids.

    While I think my priorities differ from those of many men (I would rather lose multiple limbs than have children), I don't consider age when seeking partners. My primary consideration is whether or not the woman is willing to give me a chance. If she actually likes me, I don't care how old she is. That probably sound desperate.

    This man does seem too concerned about his ability to contribute to see the opportunity before him. He could be letting pride make his decisions. Speaking more generally, while some biological predisposition for younger partners seems likely within men, this is outdated for the purposes of selecting the best mate. Adult life is starting later for everyone. Life spans are increasing. Retirement ages are receding. Healthcare- for those with access to it- is improving. Though I don't know the ages of the parties involved, his concerns about time running out seem misplaced. My thought is she should be rethinking having children with him.
     
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  7. Lewdog
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    Lewdog Come ova here and give me kisses! Supporter Contributor

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    I only date chicks with a digital biological clock. Though they are easier to read, you do have to deal with them having two periods.
     
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  8. 123456789
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    123456789 Contributing Member Contributor

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    Some top quality humor after that whole manatee fiasco
     
  9. MainerMikeBrown
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    MainerMikeBrown Contributing Member

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    I've never had the desire to have kids, and I don't think I ever will want kids. So I'm not worried.
     
  10. edamame
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    edamame Contributing Member Contributor

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    @Michael Jeffries I don't know why simply wanting someone to like as you like them is desperate. People who put that last above other superficial traits will miss out on knowing someone who might have been a lot better for them. You should never have to prove yourself worthy of someone's love, though trust is something else.
     
  11. Darkkin
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    Darkkin Reflection of a nobody Contributor

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    Love is unconditional, unexplainable, and unexpected. Trust is earned.
     
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