1. Seppuku
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    Daydreaming

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Seppuku, Jul 20, 2009.

    Hello people,

    I am trying to introduce some day dreaming into my 3rd person narrative (which is a little bit out of my comfort zone), my character is in a conversation, but during each pause she's thinking about something else, where her imagination is wondering. Essentially she's multitasking between thought and speech...that is if it's a realistic thing for somebody to do. Though I am wondering if my method is effective. I would post up my work for review, but this is something I would rather try to get published (once it's refined), so I'll just take an extract instead:

    The character is thinking has been reading The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe before a doctor visits her and she starts thinking about the character of Aslan and heads down a train of thought to do with 'big cats'.


    Do you think it's a bit too disjointed or do you think it reflects a distracted mind exploring a train of thought? I am unsure myself. If it's not effective enough, how would I make it more so?

    Thank you.
     
  2. arron89
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    arron89 Banned

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    I think its quite hard to follow. Its very disjointed - I think it would work better if you followed through with her train of thought, then had the dialogue, rather than putting speech, narration and thought all into the same paragraph at the same time.
    Also, though you didn't ask for criticism of it, the "dreaming" parts feel really forced and unnatural to me. Like how she keeps asking herself questions, and lines like "I quite like lions", I just can't imagine someone thinking like that. I think it would work better as being narration, rather than thought. Something like: Alva was deep in thought when the doctor walked in. She was imagining what it would be like to meet Aslan herself. The doctor looked at his clipboard and checked her name. (WOW that was awful, but hopefully you get the idea...its very late =.=")
     
  3. Seppuku
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    Seppuku Member

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    Thanks for replying. As for the extra criticism, this is a very rough draft, I'm only just going through analysing it myself now. I try not to stuff to people that's in its early stages, as what you type in a rough draft can sometimes read as truly awful, but I was just curious about this particular issue, so it couldn't be helped :). I was thinking along the sides of how you can be in 2 minds are once, as I have been before - I'm daydreaming, yet holding up a conversation at the same time, but it seems it has come off disjointed as I feared. But maybe you're right, they should be separate rather than mixed.

    But thank you for giving a second opinion, it was the kind of help I was looking for. ;)
     
  4. Cogito
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    Cogito Former Mod, Retired Supporter Contributor

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    If you want to see daydreaming taken to another level, read The Secret Life of Walter Mitty by James Thurber.
     
  5. Necromortis
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    Necromortis Member

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    I'll come back and talk about daydreaming in a bit, but I just thought I'd quickly point out that 'The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe' is actually the second book in 'The Chronicles of Narnia.' 'The Magician's Nephew' is the first.

    ~Christian
     
  6. Mojo88
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    Mojo88 New Member

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    I actually really enjoyed it. It wasn't hard at all for me to follow, and it added to Alva's charm. It's actually quite normal to think of something entirely unrelated to what's going on around you. I do it all the time when my boss is lecturing me. "I wonder what's on tonight... Tuesday.. Ooh!! House! I love that show. Amazing that he can hide his accent like that. I'd never guess he was British." something like that happens to me every day.

    As you said, your draft is rather rough. With some polishing, however, and if you can pull it off, I think it's more than possible for you to write an interesting story this way.
     
  7. Seppuku
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    Thank you Cogito, I'll check that one out.


    Thanks, in collections I've seen of the series The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe have appeared first (followed by Prince Caspian) - but I suppose that's why they say 'triple check your facts'. ;)

    Mojo, thanks for the compliments, I'll see how it turns out after I've edited it through to see if I can make it flow and work, though I don't want it to seem disjointed so that it confuses some readers.

    Thank you. ;)
     

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