Thanks for the kind words. I think I'll tone down the art comparison a bit. It makes it seem like he doesn't really know what he is talking about, but I guess overall the passage works, with some minor tweaks
That's fair, then. Still, I realize this part goes beyond a man just convinced X is the most beautiful thing in the world. "She was like a painted masterpiece, with its greatness so absolute making the artist go mad with the realisation of never achieving anything nearly as perfect. She was like love, the one and only love, the kinda love that one would find themselves lucky to perceive only for a blink of an eye. The kinda love artist and musicians have tried to pinpoint since the dawn of art." It's one thing to say. "I could never imagine anything ever having been or ever being again as beautiful as Sarah Johnson." It's another to go and ahead and speak on behalf of all artists. Do you see the difference? This is similar to when writers try to start their piece claiming to know a truth about existence, and explaining it like it is fact. It provokes a knee jerk reaction in the reader: "who the hell is this guy?" My advice? Get rid of the artist parts and keep the rest.
Mmm, I think you are looking at it from the wrong perspective. Someone longing for the past isnt longing for beauty. As you acknowledge, they are longing for what they miss. If some perv wants a cheerleader, its not because she is beautiful. Its because she represents a part of his life that he longs for - youthful innocence, carefree existence, a reminder of when they were powerful (in their own little world anyway). Desiring beauty for the sake of beauty is more the desire for perfection. A self confident person might seek beauty to satiate his ego and an insecure person might do so to seek validation. But he's no longer seeking that. He's seeking what he's lost. So rather than focus on beauty, you need to focus on what about her represents what he misses. At least that's my opinion.
Given the context you've just mentioned, I think it works well. Perhaps lose one of the art examples, and perhaps an aside is needed at the end, like: Such was the infatuation with which he thought of her. Or: It's fair to say his mind had elevated Sarah to a high and remote pedestal.
The problem with our piece is that it is in your head. That is you, trying to describe something in words. You are treating it in as poetic language as possible, because you think poetry and beauty go together, somehow equate. This is mistake, unless you want something that has been done to death in every romance novel. If you want to talk about her beauty, surely it is only in relation to how your protagonist feels about it. So, you need to do it in feelings. His feelings. When you look at someone you fancy, you really do not actually think...Hmm...sunlight on the water...passion in art, or anything else. That is over selling. What you need is a visceral reaction. "Every time I see Sarah I feel like I've been punched in the gut, run over by a steam train. She makes me physically sick, I want her so bad. Forget poetry. This girl makes me want to rip out my heart and give it to her." Alright, maybe that is a bit extreme, but I hope you see my point. Nobody would think those things you wrote. When a man is in love it is primal, basic, urgent.
Feelings are the key ingredient here. And it stuns me how confusing and paralyzing beauty is. Is there a way of describing this essential damnation of being in love? Who is she, and does it seem as if she treats her admirers with elegance... as if each and every one in line ready to get on their knees to propose feel as if they are the only one?
try something like this "sarah johnsson was so beautiful she gave me that old fashioned feeling. that i would do anything to bone her" you know, but like poetic and stuff
Perhaps I should have mention it before, but my story is mostly of a comedic nature and practically non-existent of actual romantic drama. Now when that's in the open, I have to say that I now seriously consider replacing my entire poetic description with: "Sarah Johnsson was so beautiful she gave me that old fashioned feeling. That I would do anything to bone her. You know, but like poetic and stuff" ...because reading that made me genuinely laugh for a solid 10 minutes
Hey Zed, You need to be careful when taking stranger's advice. I absolutely understood the intention of your initial prose. I got what you were going for in terms of narrative style. It wasn't a turn off at all. I think a lot of the criticism you've received here is from people judging the character as a human being, rather than judging the quality of the prose with respect to the narrative purpose. I think at this point you realize it's a safe bet to turn things down just a notch, but don't feel compelled to entirely scrap your description.
It's a good opinion, I give you that, buuuut... the character in question doesn't really look for his past. It is more suggested that Sarah Johnson is the last thing that's left from the greatest years of his life, even if that dont make much sense, but that's all part of the fun. So as time passes, he builds her up to be the most perfect thing in existence, even if he doesn't fully realize why he thinks she is so perfect to begin with, so he mainly focuses on her beauty.
The alarmingly high amount of art comparatives will be lowered, that thing is for sure, and those are some good lines. I might just steal them
I wouldn't say that I personally consider poetry and beauty to go hand in hand. Because my character doesn't fully grasp why he is so infatuated by her, he, with his primitive male mind, focuses on her attractiveness. It is like he is trying to convince himself on why he likes her by going into this complicated description. Anyway, I really liked your so called visceral reaction. Might work that in as well, somehow.
It isn't love my character feels. Atleast not "real love". More like a crush, or the feeling like he is supposed to love her for some intangible reason, when truth is that he falls so deeply for her for some other reason than love. I hope I make sense
I know exactly what you mean. It's within reach, but unapproachable by any means. Like having a fresh strawberry pie under your nose you can't eat. Like 72 virgins in heaven you doubt exists. Like a fata morgana of an oasis in the desert.
Not entirely (or at all) relevant, but I gotta say, ZedZatta, that I really like the symbol you created for your avatar.
Aww, thanks! I kinda been afraid it looked too much like swastika. And I gotta say I love bears on tricycles
