1. Twink46
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    Twink46 New Member

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    Descriptive pice about depression / self harm / bulimia

    Discussion in 'General Writing' started by Twink46, Dec 17, 2010.

    Ok befor you read it I'm crap at writing I can't spell to save myself and I'm no good at punctuation ( I failed my English writing exam lol. ) so please just ignore punctuation and spelling mistakes.
    I wrote this 30 mins ago it's my first time ever writing anything like this.

    I just want to know What you think? did it move you in any way? can you relate to it at all? What was good what was bad about it ?

    "I feel like iv lost all hope , all innocence all stenght all emiotions all everythig.
    I feel like iv fallen down a hole and I don't have the strength or will power to climb back out. So I give up all hope of ever getting out of this dark lonely place and let it take over me, I let it swallow me howl and engulf me in utter sorrow, emptyness , nothingness. The pain becomes to much, my world spins out of control it's all so confusing , so much is going on , sorrow , hoplessness , lonlyness , worthlessness , sadness , anger , guilt and yet at the same time absolut nothingness , i'm numb i'm empty inside and life just seems pointless I feel compleetely dead inside. I need to feel somthing, it's to much to bare, I try to let it all out I try to cry but the tears just won't come. So I give up all hope again and insted of drops of clear liquid from my eyes that fall to this cold unforging floor Of this dark lonely place it's drops of deep red liquid that fall from my arm .I'm lifted out of this deep dark hole for a while. but I fall down into it's thick dark emptlyness once again this time deeper and I the cycle starts again. this time I try fill the emptyness with food .I eat till I feel my stomach explod. I feel out of control again I feel ugly , fat and worthless. I need to feel in control. I watch as all my sorrow and emptyness explodes out of me with my food by it's side. I close the toilet lid and flush all my problems away. I feel in control i've got my self out of *this depressing hole once again , only to fall down it again and for the cycle to start again with the hole getting deeper and darker each time.

    Is there any point in even trying anymore ?"
     
  2. Mallory
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    Mallory Mallegory. Contributor

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    Of course there is a point in trying more!

    There's a lot of emotion in there and you do a good job of capturing it.

    Sure there are a bit of stylistic errors, but those can be cleared up with just a bit of studying.

    The mods will probably close this though, as it's in the wrong place and you have to critique 2 other pieces of writing before you submit your own. But don't take it personally. This site is a wonderful place to grow and hone your skills and connect with other writers.
     
  3. EdFromNY
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    EdFromNY Hope to improve with age Supporter Contributor

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    It's fine that you feel you have something to say, and that you want encouragement to go on writing. And I would definitely encourage you to continue, because it does seem that you have something to say.

    But your post starts with the statement, "I'm crap at writing" and then goes on with some specifics - the usual suspects of spelling, grammar and punctuation. So, I have a question: do you want to write badly enough to want to do it the right way? Because to write the right way, you need to learn proper spelling, grammar and punctuation (as well as some other basics). None are particularly hard to learn (except in the case of certain specific learning disabilities like dyslexia, and even then it is possible).

    If you don't care enough to learn to do it correctly, it won't matter if you have something vital to say. OTOH, if you learn the tools, then whatever you have to say will be presented in a way that will make its inherent value obvious.

    Good luck.
     
  4. Pook
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    Pook Member

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    21 times you write 'I' in that passage, you may choose to remove a few to allow sentances to flow more.
     
  5. jo spumoni
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    jo spumoni Active Member

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    Without the proper punctuation, it's really difficult to read. I think it's probably worth the five dollar investment to buy Strunk & White's Elements of Style if you're really interested in improving the grammar. Additionally, for what is actually being said, it's a little long. I think you could tighten up the sentences more.

    The piece thus far is a tad melodramatic. It is a melodramatic issue, but right now, it strikes me as a little...insincere. I'm sorry if that's overly picky, but it seems to be more concerned with style and parallel structure and imagery than it does with what your character is doing and feeling. Yes, it's from the "I" POV, but the narration seems almost generic and feels like it's been influenced by a lot of different teen novels or TV shows. Try to create your own voice a little more.

    And for the very last question, I'm unsure if it's part of your story or whether you're actually asking, because it's in quotes like the excerpt you show us, but it seems to be separate. In any case, my answer is yes, you should keep writing. I would never tell someone they should stop. But since you're asking, I wonder if you may need to reevaluate your piece and why you're writing it; whenever I ask myself that question, it's because I'm not happy with where I'm going with my writing. But if you're just asking because you think your grammar and spelling are bad, then OF COURSE YOU SHOULD KEEP WRITING! Grammar and spelling are EASY fixes; Microsoft Word, a good dictionary, and The Elements of Style will fix most of them for you anyway.
     
  6. PurpleCandle
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    PurpleCandle Senior Member

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    I don't like this line, "I need to feel somthing,..." because in the lines before you describe a bunch of feelings, "so much is going on , sorrow , hoplessness , lonlyness , worthlessness , sadness , anger , guilt and yet at the same time...".

    And in general, your description of all these feelings are very vague as it relates to mental illness and bulimia. Instead of just throwing out every word synonymous with sadness I would rather see thoughts more unique to the individual, if that makes sense. This feels like a piece written by someone who is trying to imagine what a bulimic person would feel, and not doing it well.
     
  7. R-e-n-n-a-t
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    R-e-n-n-a-t Contributing Member

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    I agree with purplecandle, this can be described as an outsider's description of what they think causes a condition.

    For example; the stigma that being a genius makes you evil. In reality, the more intelligent you are, generally the more you see the "big picture" and value standard morals less. To be specific, mere sadness and troubles are not sufficient to explain behavior like this.
     
  8. Allegro Van Kiddo
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    Allegro Van Kiddo Contributing Member

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    OP,

    I've worked in psychology for over twenty-one years and I have some suggestions for you.

    Firstly, people with psych problems tend to be locked into them and may not see what is problematic with their behavior. What you've written is very insightful in that the character has a well thought out stance on what they're doing. That's highly unusual, but certainly not unheard of, so there's nothing wrong with it if the character is supposed to be insightful. But anyway, I suggest that you find some "case studies" about the personality dynamic behind people with the problems you mentioned.

    That will allow you to role play the character in your mind and create one that has truth behind it.

    Side note: I'm sure you can do much better on basic punctuation. I enjoyed your words, but the odd form of it hurt my eyes.

    If you keep practicing, spelling and all of that will become much easy, trust me.
     
  9. mammamaia
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    mammamaia nit-picker-in-chief Contributor

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    unfortunately, pieces like this only move me to pass them by and not read beyond the first poorly-written, self-pitying line...

    it's sad that you feel so badly about your life, but people generally have enough troubles of their own that they're actually dealing with, not simply complaining about to strangers, so they won't want to waste time reading about yours... especially when you don't bother to correct the many errors that can be taken care of with a simple spell and grammar check, before posting...

    this may seem harsh, but it's reality and i can't be truly helpful by telling you anything less than the 'awful truth'... i suggest you seek counseling instead of posting your feelings on a writing site...

    that said, if you only want a caring shoulder and ear to cry on/into and some help in improving your writing, feel free to send me an email...

    love and healing hugs, maia
    maia3maia@hotmail.com
     
  10. jo spumoni
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    jo spumoni Active Member

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    By the way, is this piece fiction or non-fiction? Just curious here.
     

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